Wasted Words 11

Recommended Download: The UsedAlone This Holiday

‘Tis the season for giving. It most certainly is. Most people give to the less fortunate, and that includes myself usually. However, being the rebel that I am, I’m gonna do something different this year. I’m gonna give Christmas gifts to people who can afford them. I’m gonna give gifts to famous people. They might be rich. They might be famous. But trust me, they need help more than you’d ever expect.

Jay Z – I’m gonna give him a copy of his debut album, Reasonable Doubt. Maybe if he hears what a great album this is, he’ll realize what shit he’s been putting out lately and make another one like it.

Andre of Outkast – I’m giving him a whole new wardrobe. I saw his latest video, and I’m sure he’s tired of wearing his Grandfathers hand-me-downs.

Britney Spears – Aside from my address and key to my house that I mailed to her, I’m gonna give her a muzzle for Christmas. Afterall, we’d rather her to be seen and not heard. Am I correct fellas? Oh, I’m giving Christina Aguilera the same thing. Shhhh, don’t tell Britney.

Fred Durst – I’m gonna give this guy a fucking clue. Don’t get me wrong, I like most of Limp Bizkit’s music. However, when your own fans begin throwing objects at you and causing you to need stitches, something isn’t quite right.

Chris Carraba of Dashboard Confessional – I don’t know how, but I’m gonna find this guy some fucking testicles. The poor, whiny bastard seems to be missing a set.

Eminem – He gets a gift certificate for a tattoo and I’m gonna recommend that he goes with a middle finger on his forehead. With all of the people trying to bring him down, he’s gonna need an extra one.

Master P – A career. I saw him on his sons television show on Nickelodeon the other day. Resorting to kids shows tells me he isn’t doing to well. I guess if he gets really desperate, he could always pawn some of his gold teeth.

Andy Dick – A big sign in his front yard which reads, YOU ARE NOT FUNNY! YOU ARE AN IDIOT! Hey, someone needs to tell him.

Okay, so I was just trying to fill space and be funny with those. But you have to admit, some of them are kind of true.

Admit it!

Okay, don’t. At least pretend to laugh. Please?

Congratulations to the Muncie, Indiana band, Oblique, on winning the Battle of the Bands last week. Be sure and head over to their web site and check them out. Oblique

AFI have posted a new video on their site. The video is for the song Silver and Cold from their album, Sing the Sorrow. You can check it out here. I saw this on MTV during the All Things Rock countdown as well. It’s a pretty cool video.

On a final note, am I the only one glad to see Ice Cube, WC, and Mack 10 reforming as Westside Connection once again? I sure hope not. The first album was great, and if the first single from their new one is any indication, it should be just as good.

Thanks for reading. Until next time, I’m out.

Evolution of a Music Snob (or..How I came to love Nirvana..and then everything else)

I would like to start off by thanking everyone for their warm birthday wishes! You guys really made me feel special and happy on this, my 20th birthday. Kisses and hugs for all of you!
I also would like to apologize to everyone for my lack of substance (or presence) in my articles for the past few weeks but its tough, nose to the grindstone time over here at Clark University, but I had some time tonight before going back out to drink to hook you guys up with some Nina brand article love.
Here goes…
Since age 11 my favorite band, hands down, has been Nirvana.
Before I had discovered them my musical taste consisted of…well…lame things. Granted I liked the greats of my parent’s generation like Simon and Garfunkle, Joni Mitchell, James Taylor, and Carol King, but I had no musical taste that was entirely mine. The first c.d. I ever bought for myself was a Boyz 2 Men Album (I know, shut up..). However, in 4th grade this was all about to change.
I remember the first time I heard them was when there was some funky smells coming from my brother’s room. I go up to investigate and he’s sitting there listening to something that sounded really cool. I grew up worshipping my older brother and wanted to do everything I could to bond with him, so I sat and listened with him. I asked him who this was, and he told me it was “Nevermind” by Nirvana. I remember thinking “wow…this is really cool!”. He made me a copy, and for my birthday that year, bought me a copy of “In Utero.”
Granted, I had no idea what a lot of the lyrics meant but the way his voice moved, and the way the guitars just screamed…I was in LOVE. Pretty soon the Bop posters of Rider Strong and Jonathan Taylor Thomas got replaced by pictures of Nirvana. In April of 94, when Kurt died, I didn’t know how to handle it. I had no idea what to do with myself. This was the first band that I ever had felt passionately about, and I wasn’t sure how to deal. For the next couple months I listened to nothing but the “Live from New York” album, and cried to myself when my angel sang “Pennyroyal Tea” all by himself.
I have had many musical taste changes from then till now. In 7th grade I got heavily into NoFX, The Ramones, Pennywise, Sunny Day Real Estate, MDC, The Screeching Weasels, Skanking Pickle, and others. That was the case until midway through freshman year when I went through a very ugly metal phase where I listening to Manson, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, and Coal Chamber. However, sophomore year I went right back to my old self, elaborating more by getting into what later became known as “emo” bands.
That’s pretty much how I became to be the person who I am today, however, I still have my Nirvana posters up in my dorm room, I still listen to them all the time, and I still cry when I hear “Pennyroyal Tea.”
Until next time…
Turn off your fuckin’ radio.

The Gut: Armageddon

This is a special edition of the gut, with a very special co-author in Bear F’N Frazer. We will both be discussing the WWE pay-per view Armageddon. This is an entertainment site and I never see articles about my favorite type of entertainment, wrestling! How this will work is Bear and I will each have our own opinion about each match, so enjoy

Trish and Lita vs. Chris Jericho and Christian

Bears Pick: Well Hec, I am going to have to pick Jericho and Christian. I say this because these two chicks can’t get the job done. The only thing we will see tonight is Jericho and Christian stripping them of their pride, and hopefully their clothes. The pick: The Alpha-Males

Hec’s pick: I’m pretty sure I have to agree with Bearmon here. I love Trish and Lita but if they beat the first undisputed world champion in Jericho and the 132165451564 time tag team champion in Christian it is going to be a sad day. However if you know Vince like I do, you know that he is always going for shock value. I just can’t see the WWE having Trish and Lita win here, but then again I never thought I would see the Big show win the world title either and he did. I am picking the alpha males as well but won’t be shocked when I am wrong.

Tag Team Turmoil

Bears pick: For the Tag Team Turmoil Match, you got some great teams. You got the Dudley Boys, who are just incredible, perhaps my favorite team. Val Venis and Lance Storm, former champs, and Cade and Jindrak are being pushed to the moon. But, there is only one team who can take home the gold, and that is the Resident Super Hero, Hurricane and Rosey. Hopefully, by the end of the night, Rosey will no longer be a Super Hero In Training! The Pick: Team Super-Hero!

Hec’s pick: Well it appears that Mr. Bear and I agree again. Maybe we only agree because everyone knows I mark out big time for the Hurricane, after all I dress like him for Halloween. And everyone dressed like him at John’s birthday party! But I do see this as the time for the WWE and Vince to push these two great wrestlers. When Shane Helms (the Hurricane) was in WCW he was the man! He is so talented and as much as I love the Hurricane gimmick, I feel like it is restricting his ability. Let him hit someone with the vertibraker!

Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Damn

Bears pick: RVD is my favorite pothead, I mean wrestler, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is the most talented around. But, with the constant compliments of Randy Orton, I think he has got this one, as long as Ric Flair is around. Hopefully, RVD will gun for the World Title when it is all said and done: The Pick: Randy Orton

Hec’s pick: Bear my friend I am going to disagree with you here, only because I know some of the WWE politics and RVD wont challenge for the world title because he bitched on the radio about not getting a push so I don’t think Vince will Reward him with one. It would be great seeing RVD with the world title but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Booker T vs. Mark Henry

*note this match shouldn’t happen so I’m not commenting, I am just gonna completely agree with Bear!

Bears and Hec’s pick: Mark Henry is fat … too fat. Plus his dreads are gay. The pick – Booker T

Shawn Michaels vs. Batista

Bears pick: Honestly, HBK is an anorexic midget. He is 3 feet tall and weighs 75 ounces. No way will he beat a colossal giant who is ripped full of 800 pounds, pure muscle. Batista is the type of guy I am scared of meeting in an alley, and this Texas Boy will get rattled to death! Bottom line is this: Batista is gonna smack Shawn Michaels around like Joey Butafueco did to Amy Fisher. The Pick � Batista

Hecs Pick: HBK maybe smaller than Batista but he is the best performer the WWE has. He may not be what he use to be but he is still right up there with what they have. I love batista, he is a monster of a man someone like Bear said I don’t want to meet in an alley. I think this match along with the Orton-RVD match are gonna steal the show tonight. I’m going to have to say that HBK takes this match because I never bet against him.

Kane vs. Goldberg vs. HHH

Bears pick: HHH is done for a while. He has tried and failed. Move over HHH, because your show is done. Goldberg … he is too hairy to hold the title. He had a good run, but it’s about time he fights someone else like Doink the Clown or the Boorklyn Brawler. I am going for the underdog. See, the man who I think will win is big, red, smelly, and ugly; Kane. That’s the man who I want as my World Champion. And then, he can feud RVD (like they should have done years ago) and RVD can make Kane hit the trees harder than Sonny Bono! WHOOSH! The Pick � Kane

Hecs pick: I just want to say I love Goldberg, believe the hype!!! HHH is just wearing old on me, I would be one of the few to be very happy if they brought back Degeneration X cause I miss old HHH. I think the WWE made a big mistake when they gave Kane the belt, not because they gave it to him but because they took it away after 1 day. Lets hope they make up for that mistake and give it back to him.

Tales from the Bishop: Moments of Clarity

Suggested Listening for this Column: #41 by DMB

1. Waking up

When you’re in a dream, it’s hard to wake up.
You cling to it. You want it to go on forever. I had a dream like that. That dream has been the first twenty years of my life. It’s a conceited, stupid dream, full of bald-face falsehoods, arrogance, and debauchery. It’s a pleasant dream, but a dream that has to end.
When I was younger, I was a Christian. I’ll make no claims to it now, as much as I’d like to. In my young age, I learned of sins. There were seven of them. Wrath, Lust, Sloth, Gluttony, Pride, Greed, and Envy. I was aware, with the passing of a few years, that I had fallen to a couple of these… Lust and Gluttony, definitely. That’s just how it goes. But I swore the others weren’t there. Not on this soul. So I grew a little older. Looked around a little more. Something happened… and suddenly I was angry and hurt. I grew tired. And I knew then that I had fallen into the trap of Wrath, and Pride, and Sloth. So there. It’s not terrible. Everybody makes mistakes. “Hell,” I said, “I’m better than most of these people.”
So I took a trip to Texas. It wowed me. The smell of money was in the air, and the happiness it could buy. I could go for that. I could go for a house full of luxuries and beautiful things. I needed nothing else. I fell into the trap of my own Greed then. I acknowledged it. Who needs anything when you have money? With money, you can have everything you want. You can make up for all the lonely nights, the dark mornings in the shower waiting to go to school. With money, you could live! And I have the talent, I told myself. I’m better than this state I live in, better than the people I surround me. I have nobody to envy. Nobody. Nothing. Damn everything else.
And then, this evening, I went to a university gallery and saw a few works of art by a friend of mine. I felt my spirits drop. With no power-hungry motive, no greed, no force at all, she had invented amazing things. Delightful pictures made for no reason other than the artist wanted them to be made. I knew that feeling that was in my heart at that moment. It was the realization that I had lost myself, and replaced the innocent thing I once was with some power-hungry, lusting, alchoholic ghoul. At that moment, I didn’t know if I wanted to blow my brains out or praise whatever’s out there. I didn neither, really. I just stood, their, quietly, awake for the first time in years.

2. Getting moving.

I remember something this friend had done for me, a long time ago. She had tried to teach me to respect myself. I took this lesson and completely ignored it. I became a living cartoon. I was always full of one-liners and snide comments. I was hurtful on more than one occasion. And it felt good. It was just like a sophopia (I honestly have no idea how to spell that word)… so delicious, but still empty. And when I ran out of people to make a fool of, I could turn back on myself. It was all about me, really. I didn’t have to stick up for anybody. In fact, on more than one occassion, I made it so that somebody else had to stick up for somebody, just to stop me. But it felt good, man. I felt powerful for once. I could build myself up on others. I wasn’t myself anymore, but who liked that guy? He wasn’t anything. This new guy was awesome, though. He flipped off people when they honked at him as he crossed the streets. He got into fights. He swore. He drank. He was me. I made him. I can’t try to victimize myself by saying that this personality is something seperate from myself. It was me, just older and ‘wiser’ in the ways of the world.
Oh, which isn’t to say it was all roses. I got hurt now and then. I got so down it seemed I couldn’t get back up. I got so angry I contemplated terrible things. Until a few hours ago, I felt I was justified.
Then, looking into these brushstrokes and penstrokes, I realized that there was no justification. No reason for any of the lies, the backstabbing, the hate. Everyone is born innocent. We make ourselves guilty. I could create things just as good as this, someday perhaps… but I had traded it away for hurt feelings and ill will.

3. Getting Done.

So, from now on, just call me Bryan. It’s a name I used to hate, but it’s who I am. I’m not some jive-talking guy, or some raving, anger-spewing lunatic. I’m something better than that today. Maybe I won’t be one tomorrow, but as for today…

Wasted Words 10

Hey everyone! It’s fucking late and I’m quickly writing this. I usually start writing a week in advance, but I didn’t get that big of a head start this week. I didn’t buy any new music this week. Unusual, I know. I did get ahold of a copy of 50 cent’s, Guess Who’s Back, which is a pre-Get Rich Or Die Trying album. I’d say it’s just as good, if not better than Get Rich…. There’s some guest spots on the album too, with Nas, Bravehearts, U.G.K, and of course, the G-Unit stopping by. I rented Dumb and Dumberer this weekend. While it’s not as funny as the original, it’s definitely a must see for anyone who enjoys comedy movies. It does feature another hilarious scene involving a bathroom and a shit-like substance. Best part of the movie. For upcoming columns, I’ve got a couple of things planned. Expect a Christmas list for the stars coming up, as well as my 10 favorite albums of 2003. Those should make for a good read. Hopefully.

Ozzy Osbourne was injured in an ATV accident, where he fractured several bones. He is said to be in stable condition right now, which is good news. Here’s to hoping the Ozzman gets well soon and makes a full recovery. On a related note, the song Changes, which Ozzy remade with his Daughter, Kelly, is worth checking out. Sure, most people think she’s a spoiled bitch, but she’s got a nice voice, even if she is mostly making her career off of her last name. Getting Ozzy to sing this Father/Daughter duet was a nice touch also.

Awhile back, it was reported that the house of Goldfinger frontman, John Feldmann, was raided by the FBI. At the time, not many details were known. If you’re interested in reading about what really went down, click herelaw enforcement agencies who have nothing better to do than harrass people news, the Secret Service were investigating some of Eminems recent lyrics. Apparently a song Eminem recorded, titled We As Americans, features the following lyrics…”I don’t rap for dead presidents/I’d rather see the president dead.” Obviously, as any normal citizen could’ve told these idiots, the Secret Service found there was no real threat from the rapper. Give me a break guys. Why not focus on catching the real terrorists, okay?

Be sure to tune in to David Letterman on December 12, which is this Friday. Alkaline Trio will be performing, which should be a great show. Also, on the same evening, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club will be performing on Carson Daly. Even if you can’t stand that annoying Carson punk, you can always watch the band then change the channel.

So Ja Rule is done battling 50 Cent. It’s about time he realizes that he doesn’t compare to 50 Cent, in any way, shape, or form. Now he just needs to realize that he should go the way of Mase and Jay Z, and just call it quits. Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, good bye. Please?

It seems that even though they spread the word of God, P.O.D.’s latest album hasn’t been accepted by many Christian bookstores. Apparently they’ve got a problem with the cover art, which features a naked women with butterfly wings and her arms covering her breasts. Their own have turned against them! Now if we can get every other record store in the world to stop carrying their albums, victory will be ours! –insert evil laugh– Not that I hate P.O.D, I just don’t care for much of their music and find them pretty annoying most of the time. I do give them credit for holding their ground and not changing the cover art just so these stores will carry it. No artist should have to sacrifice their vision for any reason.

Thanks for reading. Until next week, I’m out.

My off-season of discontent.

You know when sports are as big a part of your life as they are mine you can experience the highest of highs. Like when Scott Norwood missed that field goal in Super Bowl XXV. That was one of the defining moments of my childhood; at that moment I wanted to be like LT. I wanted nothing more than to play for the New York Giants at that very moment. It can also give you the lowest of lows. I remember what it was like having to walk through the halls of Garden City High School trying to be proud of being a Mets fan but having to deal with all of the ass-hole Yankee fans, which didn’t even know anything about the Yankees team. Then in 2000 when the subway series took place and I had to hear it from them all over again. The Yanks won that series 4 games to 1. And because the games won total was so lopsided all the Yankee fans again said how they kicked our Asses, and how we sucked. That was a hell of a world series, very competitive to anyone who watched it. Most of the games were close and came down to the last few innings. So where am I going with this you may be asking yourself. Well as I tried to watch the Giants game today, the first thing I saw was Tiki Barber fumble… AGAIN!!! So I immediately turned the game off and tried to turn my attention to other sports. What about hockey I asked myself. Well i’m a Pittsburgh Penguin fan, and as of this moment we have 6 wins, 14 loses, 4 overtime games, and 1 win in those overtime games. In other words we suck, even with the greatest player of all time (and yes that does mean kiss my ass “Great One”). Well what about basketball. Hey I’m a Dallas Mavericks fan! We are 13-7, that’s good enough for 2nd place in their division. And they will surly make the playoffs! Well hold on there. 1st of all your love for a team is directly tied to how long you have liked them. So how long have I been a Mavs fan? About a year, not long enough to get really excited about them.
This brings me to my point of this article. Baseball. I love baseball; there isn’t anything I love more than a Sunday afternoon game at Shea stadium. The smell of the freshly cut grass, the sun shining, even the sound of the jets flying overhead. So I have the summer to look forward to, and I am looking forward to one thing most fans don’t look forward to, rebuilding. The Mets aren’t gonna be that good this year, as a matter of fact we are gonna suck. We have the wrong mix of young and old. The old on this team don’t seem the least bit interested in helping the new kids. The only person worth keeping is Al Leiter because he is a fan favorite and deserves to end his career here in New York. But I’m not hearing about last year’s rookie performances of Jae Weong Seo , Jason Phillips, or rookie phenom Jose Reyes. I don’t even get to hear about the energy that Jeff Duncan brought to this team. What do I hear about this off-season? Well I hear that the Mets are trying to sign Japanese shortstop Kazuo Matsui. As a Mets fan I can say this, we don’t need a shortstop. Reyes is gonna be there for years to come, and sure there is talk about moving him to second. Hey ok by me because I can’t have another season with Joe McEwing at second. So why am I complaining? Because I haven’t actually heard anything this off-season except about the chess match between the Red Sox and the Yankees. The Sox get Schilling so the Yanks get Sheffield and Vasquez. So the Sox are tryin to get A-Rod. So the Red Sox are considering taking on A-Rods 25 million a year and trading Manny Ramirez and paying as much as 10 million per season on his contract till it runs out. So they are gonna essentially pay 35 million a year for A-Rod and trade Manny and Nomar (reportedly to the Angels or Dodgers). So let me get this straight, they are gonna trade Manny and Nomar for A-Rod and end up not saving any money. Does anyone else see why Boston hasn’t won in a billion years? You know who has won, the Florida Marlins and the California Angels. Two of the best TEAMS. Not a hodge-podge of all-stars thrown together. I’m not sure why no one else sees the formula for winning in baseball these days. Don’t let them see you coming, end of story. Anyone want to hop on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays bandwagon now? Or maybe, just maybe this year is the Mets year, I mean who expects them to win next year? I sure as hell don’t. This is my article for the week. I know its no gut but it’s what I was feeling this week.

28 Days Later

Even thought we cling to the idea that only Hollywood blockbusters are the dominating force in movies that are deemed “good”. From my experience, this simply isn’t true. Many films come out of the indies with new styles of direction, a different perspective on filmmaking and a dose of life into innovation. The Blair Witch Project. Equilibrium. May.

And now 28 Days Later.

Let’s get an idea of what this movie is about. Many call it a zombie movie. The movie is similar to a zombie movie in many ways – a outbreak of a virus results in the collapse of civilization as blood-hungry “infected” overrun the cities. The movie’s version of zombies are different from the common conception – no slow, stumbling decayed people screaming “Brains!”. They’re infected with the virus, but didn’t die, so they’re not hindered by decayed flesh and muscle, so they don’t stumble – they run at you.

As you might have noticed, my policy with this column is not to give away much of the movie’s plot. I want you to go find out yourself. I won’t waste your time with trash movies, so don’t fear. Trash in, trash out, get it?

The movie is unique in that it holds the audience’s tension from the very beginning to the very end. It simply doesn’t let go. There not much special effects. It’s all low-budget. But it’s very, very gory – that means alots of blood here, folks – and the film quality is a bit poor. Maybe it’s a technical thing, maybe it’s the decision of the director. Either way, it fits the movie very well. They actually made two endings for the movie – one happy and one not-so-happy. The happy one is shown with the movie originally because they felt that we, the viewers, prefer happy endings in movies. I would frown down on that, but I don’t mind that much, since they did release the original director’s ending later, and on the video/DVD they included both endings. So it’s all good.

Do go and see this movie, folks. It’s a bit late for halloween, but there’s always a time for scary movies. At least for me there always are.

As usual, I kept the column short in hopes that you’ll actually read it all, instead of just reading the first paragraph, and heading right to the *cough* forums.
Good night all.

Take care,

Sin 3: Saying "Nice Guys Finish Last"

You knew it was coming.

There’s this article floating around on the internet, called “Nice guys finish last.” It was written by a heartbroken male virgin to decry the horrible injustice somebody had done him when they fucked somebody else besides him. But that’s beside the point, okay? Let’s take apart this radically stupid saying, starting at the back and moving up.


First off, let’s be honest with ourselves. What do you people (and yes, I’m calling people who consider themselves “nice guys” you people. So?) think ‘finishing’ is? There’s no finishing. You think you’ll be spirited away to some magical land of pixies and unicorns when you meet the right girl? No! You’ll go out for a while, then you’ll bang each other when the time is right, then she’ll start bitching about how you don’t spend enough time with her, then you’ll either break up with her or make a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE and marry her. And once married…no, quiet down, no pixies. You can look forward to A. dying broken and spiritless, under control of a horrible beast that takes three hours to ‘get ready’ or B. A heartbreaking divorce, alimony, palimony, zingy zongy zalimony.

And boys, “Finishing Last” has nothing to do with marriage anyway in your eyes. Because you had dreams of love once, but then that girl you liked fucked the bejeezus out of some dude. That dude wasn’t you. You weren’t first. Hell, you weren’t even second. And you’re a nice guy, right? You listen to her problems, right? You know why she’s telling you those things? Because, you stupid motherfucker, she has no goddamn interest in you. You have no genitals in her eyes. She probably doesn’t even like you. And who can blame her? You’re a fucking wierdo.

“Finishing Last”…. FUCKING LAST! Get it right.

“Nice Guys”…Pretensiousness is bliss.

I’ve gone on in length about “Nice Guys”, but I’m going to again. You know what a nice guy is? A nice guy is somebody who breaks both legs saving a box of puppies from a four-alarm fire. Have you done that? No. Because you suck. And even if you tried, the puppies would probably bite you.

See, if you need to know why you have all these well-deserved problems, it’s because of this. You, my friend, in all your heavy-breathing, love-lorn moments, never picked up on a very simple fact: Women hate themselves. They do! Why do you think they buy magazines full of pictures of other women who look better than they do? To torture themselves. “Oh, my ass is too small… oh, my nose is off-center…” and when you like them… they get this feeling. “He likes me, and I’m inadequate. He must be deranged.” What you do is find somebody who’s really into you, and let THEM do the work. It’s not your job to be romantic and loving. In fact, if you are, the woman will probably tell you all her problems, because she’ll feel completely at ease with you. Because no straight guy would act so stupid around a woman…

You wonder why the woman stays with the guy who treats her like shit? The guy who ignores her, beats her, embarasses her in public, and sits around the house all day drinking beer and watching football? Because many women out there are like gerbils. They get on that wheel and just start spinnin’, thinkin’ they’re gonna end up somewhere, when the thing they are on has only one function… to spin them around. There’s plenty more in the gerbil cage. A water bottle, cool multicolored tubes, other gerbils… but the gerbil spins, because it’s stupid like that.

Anyway, back on this tangent. “Nice Guys”…. or somebody who would call himself a nice guy… have to be the most childish human beings that aren’t playing with Duplo. It’s not even sour grapes, to say that stupid phrase. Instead, you are the sour grapes. “I’m too good, I guess, so I finished last.” You know why you finished last? Because you’re unattractive, poor, wierd, and probably have a really horrible personality, and the girl could do better. Plus, finishing first requires you to think about somebody other than your fucking self. And no, I didn’t use ‘fucking’ gratuitously there…

If you want to be a “Nice Guy”, more power to you. Have fun staying at home alone Saturday night, talking to your online girlfriend from Sarasota. And keep in mind my revised formula that wipes all the euphemistic bullshit…


Now go get a job. And to the guy who wrote that article about “Nice Guys”… delete it, it’s entirely pathetic. Instead, be a real nice guy. Save kittens from wheat threshers. Coach little league. Be a priest. Wait, scratch that last one. I don’t want to hear an article about how “Nice Priests Grope Last”.

…..anywho, my venom is drying out, so I’m going to take leave of you now. Enjoy this column chilled with a cool Nestea and some roasted almonds. But that’s really pointless to tell you, because as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the column is completely fuckin’ over.

Buried Treasure – Review: Workhorse Movement – "Sons of the Pioneers"

Fast Facts
Artist: The Workhorse Movement
Title: “Sons of the Pioneers
Release Date: ’99, I think, but I’m too lazy to look it up.
Standout Tracks: “Livin’ Evil”, “Motown”, “Keep The Sabbath Dream Alive”

How many of you have heard anything by the Workhorse Movement? That’s what I thought. This obscure metal band will be the focus of this week’s Buried Treasure, so put the Limp Bizkit albums away and pay attention while the Workhorse Movement how to blend metal and hip hop properly.

When most people hear “rap metal” they scoff and mutter something derrogatory. If you listen to “Sons of the Pioneers” and still scoff and mutter, you’re clearly not worthy of it anyhow and can go back to your pop punk or whatever.

After an odd but kind of neat intro, the disc’s first actual song is “Keep The Sabbath Dream Alive”. Unlike most rap metal tunes, in which the metal part sticks to the chorus and a usually lousy backbeat inhabits the verses, the metal part in “Keep The Sabbath Dream Alive” forms the beat of the song, and the crunching guitar riffs aren’t just reserved for the refrain. “Livin’ Evil” follows with more of the same, except the music speeds up and the vocals slow down a bit. This song also has an immensely catchy hook, and for that reason alone this song should be heard by everybody at least once.

Between “Livin’ Evil” and the next standout track, “Motown”, is “Gimme Some Skin”, as well as a trio of tracks that nearly made the standout section at the top, “Zero”, “Traffic”(featuring Esham), and “Heavy”. “Zero” features a thumping beat and an interesting tale about the devil trying to find his groove and get some soul to feel. “Traffic” features Esham, who I’ve never heard of, but that’s ok, since the tune is solid with a good beat and tight rhymes. “Heavy” brings more of the same to the table, albeit sans Esham and, as the title suggests, the beat is much heavier.

“Motown” is strange yet fresh blend of styles, employing the usual metal elements, hip hop rhymes, and a horn section. Now I haven’t heard of a metal song with a horn section in it outside of stuff done with an orchestra(such as Metallica’s “S&M”), which makes this song another highlight which should be heard by everybody. Why? Because I said so, that’s why.

A few more tracks go by, then it all wraps up with “Feel Like Bob Marley”, an ode to the late reggae artist. And to smoking weed. Smooth and jazzy, it’s a solid end to a solid album. That’s it from me for now, because I’m lazy and have other stuff that needs doing, so I’ll just leave you with this: “Sons of the Pioneers” is one of the best albums you’ve never heard of. Check it out, or suffer a grisly death at the hands of a million zillion ninjas. Walrus out.

Wasted Words 9

Recommended download: Time to get into the holiday spirit! RancidXmas Eve (she got up and left me)

Hey folks. It’s officially seven days since my last column. Guess what? It’s time for another one! Please, hold your applause until the end. Thank you. Bad news for those who were looking forward to the Anti-Flag review. What I had written for the review, which was about half way done, was lost. I don’t know if I accidentally deleted it or if my girlfriend deleted it by mistake, but it’s gone. I suppose that’s good news for those who weren’t looking forward to the review, and to those people I extend my middle finger. How you like them apples? I’ll just say that it’s a great fucking album and you should go out and buy it. I watched Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines tonight. Good movie, though I didn’t like it as well as T2: Judgment Day. It made me think though. As much as we depend on computers and machines these days, can you imagine the chaos if they suddenly turned on us? Holy shit we’d be in trouble. Of course, it’s been said that Bill Gates is the antichrist, so who knows. I purchased two new albums this week. That’s two more than last week for those of you who are keeping track. I picked up Funeral for a Friend, Seven Ways To Scream Your Name. I ended up finding it in a store rather than ordering it online as I thought I would have to. That was a plus. It’s a great album and I highly recommend it to anyone who’s into A Static Lullaby, Alexisonfire, or Story of the Year. My favorite song from the album is Red is the New Black. I also bought G-Unit, Beg For Mercy. Usually when a hip-hop artist makes it big, then brings their crew along with them, the crew’s album sucks. Not true with this album. My favorite song is the lead off track, G-Unit.

News that made me smile; Rise Against have been confirmed for the 2004 Warped Tour. I caught their set last year in Indianapolis, and they were awesome. Maybe this year more kids will check them out and they’ll have a bigger crowd. Currently, you can catch them on tour with Anti-Flag, Against Me, and None More Black.

MP3.com is officially closed down, and that officially sucks. It was a great place for independent bands to host their music for people to listen to. Apparently CNET is going to be opening services to artists next year. You can read more about it here.

You can check out The Offspring’s new album on MTV.com, The Leak. The album, Splinter, will be in stores December 9. I haven’t gotten the chance to listen to the album yet, but I’m definitely gonna make my way over there and check it out. I’m sure it’s good stuff. The Leak

Something else worth checking out is The Starting Line’s acoustic EP, Make Yourself At Home. You can stream the EP over at www.radiotakeover.com. I downloaded the title track from the EP and it’s a great song.

AFI will be performing on Hard Rock Live on MTV tonight. Check your local listings for times. Oh, and I don’t give a shit what anyone says about MTV, it’s fucking AFI! Also on television tomorrow night, Jet is performing on Conan O’Brien. Thursday night, Fountains of Wayne will perform on Conan O’Brien. Be sure to check them out!

That’s all for this week. Thanks for reading. Until next week, I’m out.