Month: January 2004

Hey everyone! Welcome to my second BP hosted column, “Playa Propaganda!” Now, I know this hasn’t got anything to do with Entertainment, however, it is some ordeals and issues the need to address. By the way, this is solely my opinion and does not reflect the opinions of the great staff at BaloolaPalooza.com.

PLAYA PROPAGANDA VOLUME I: SPEAK UP, LADIES!

There have been so many females who have walked through my apartment door, complaining to me about a certain guy. She looks so sad, she looks like a puppy that just lost their favorite chew toy. All I hear is, “I’m just sick of this. He doesn’t care or know how I feel. What could be wrong?” Well duh, let me tell you what’s wrong. You females never tell a guy how you truthfully feel. You lead us on and never say what’s on your mind, always sugarcoating things.

I have met a lot of girls that hide their feelings, however, I will give credit where credit is due; some girls let men know what’s on their mind. See, for generation, upon generation, upon generation, females have always spoke in some code or tongue. They expect us males to read their minds like Ms. Cleo and know exactly what is floating around in that head of theirs. Another thing girls have in common with one another is that they want a listener. Basically, it’s like this: a girl wants a listener, but when a girl speaks, she speaks in some lingo that the listener can’t even comprehend! The madness continues! Here is a prime example that I am talking about. There is this girl … we’ll call her J’Lo. Now, J’Lo walks into this guy’s room and we’ll say his name is … Ben. Now J’Lo sits on Ben’s lap and says to him, “Hey chico, I have had a really rough day.” Ben says, “Why was it rough?” J’Lo then says in her whiny voice, “I was dancing up a storm today with Jay-Z tonight and then, I saw him dance with Beyonce. That pissed me off so much, like he doesn’t even appreciate my talent. All I want is a nice guy who will hold me in his arms. I mean, all males are assholes ” except for you of course, but I don’t know what his problem is. It’s just not fair.” Then Ben says, “Don’t worry, things will get better.” After this, they hug and this girl, J’Lo, walks over to someone like me, we’ll call him P Diddy. Now J’Lo tells him what she told Ben and says, “P Diddy, why don’t guys listen to me? Why doesn’t Ben want to hold me?” And then, that’s where the crafty P Diddy says, “Because bitch, you didn’t tell him you liked him, DAMN!”

I’ve seen or heard stuff like this a million times. Girls never tell a guy flat out what they want. If you haven’t figured it out yet, what I’m trying to say is this: Males know what they want and they will tell you females, but you girls need to open that big ass mouth of yours and instead of sugarcoating things and talking trash, say what is on your mind. And believe me, it saves people like me a lot of time, a lot of misery, and a lot of heartbreak.

***** If you have a problem with a certain gender, have questions about guys and gals, or just need some clarity on a sexual situation, then please email Bear F’N Frazer at bear@baloolapalooza.com. Bear will answer and help out with all your needs and, your letter will appear in an edition of Playa Propaganda! *****

SINNERS!

Well, we come to it at last, the seventh sin.
And it’s been a ride hasn’t it? Well, you’re right, it hasn’t. You’re lookin’ deep now, waiting for that first cynical remark. The seventh sin is bad rap music. So what’s he got to say? How long until he drops an F-bomb? He didn’t drop an F-bomb in the last column, and that got me scared.

Well, there’s a reason for that. People who shouldn’t have been reading my columns read them. And by this, I don’t mean people I know… the more, the merrier!… but people who have no idea what I’m trying to say. Only one person read it… and promptly expressed to the proper authorities that I am a woman-hater. Woman-hater? Me? Why, because I refuse to tolerate idiocy? Because I see “Lifetime” as the sorry, pandering crap it is? Because I point out that “Men are Pigs” is a dumb saying (try gettin’ a pig to build a skyscraper, or go to war)? Women may need men like a fish needs a bicycle. Fish also swim around in their own crap. If they have a bicycle, they can probably ride to a clean tank. In fact, that’s kind of what usually goes on.

Not one F-bomb yet! And this argument is truly, honestly deserving of it. Anyway, back to the sin.

YING YANG TWINS YING YANG SUCK

I’m all for retarded people. Seriously, I think we should give ’em more freedoms and more chances to advance in the world. But there is one instance I can’t stand. We should not give them money to ruin an art form.

Listen to Grandmaster Flash and “The Message”, “Welcome to the Terror-dome” by Public Enemy, or “Children’s Story” by Slick Rick. Or even “Da Art of Storytelling” by Slick Rock and Outkast. These deal with real issues in the world that troubled the musicians at the time. Now, not all music has to do that… but rap seems built to explore these regions, better than the oft-traveled paths of love and heartbreak. Maybe it’s the way the performer doesn’t actually sing, but talks to a beat, so it’s like poetry.

But of course, everything changes. Rock and Roll became hair Metal and then Nu-Metal and then that scary monster, Rap-Rock. New Wave died out and was replaced with vacuuous pop. Country… well, let’s be honest, it’s always sucked. And rap… well, let’s compare how it’s changed.

A child is born with no state of mind
Blind to the ways of mankind
God is smilin’ on you but he’s frownin’ too
Because only God knows what you’ll go through
You’ll grow in the ghetto livin’ second-rate
And your eyes will sing a song called deep hate
The places you play and where you stay
Looks like one great big alleyway
You’ll admire all the number-book takers
Thugs, pimps and pushers and the big money-makers
Drivin’ big cars, spendin’ twenties and tens
And you’ll wanna grow up to be just like them, huh
Smugglers, scramblers, burglars, gamblers
Pickpocket peddlers, even panhandlers
You say I’m cool, huh, I’m no fool
But then you wind up droppin’ outta high school
Now you’re unemployed, all non-void
Walkin’ round like you’re Pretty Boy Floyd
Turned stick-up kid, but look what you done did
Got sent up for a eight-year bid
Now your manhood is took and you’re a Maytag
Spend the next two years as a undercover fag
Bein’ used and abused to serve like hell
’til one day, you was found hung dead in the cell
It was plain to see that your life was lost
You was cold and your body swung back and forth
But now your eyes sing the sad, sad song
Of how you lived so fast and died so young so…
-Grandmaster Flash

Compare the message… the beat, the delivery of that song with this new classic…

Half step pussy ass nigga
Why you lookin’ at a nigga like you wanna run one wit’ me?
I got my big gun wit’ me don’t feel like doofin’ I feel like shootin’ FOOL!
And I don’t like your atitude
You do shit that dem hoes on a rag’ll do
Ol’ faggot, you better watch your mouth
Fo’ I be in front yo’ house, when yo’ ass come out
Ol’ bitch ass, hold another nigga dick ass, BITCH ASS, NIGGA!
-Ying Yang Twins

The sad thing is, the twins, who are nothing more than a pair of ugly, untalented, yammering asses will make ten times as much as Grandmaster Flash for one millionth of the thought and effort. They appeal to every black stereotype, every thug stereotype, with not a brain cell between them.

Oh, and going back to last week’s point… count the I’s in both works. See where the artist’s concern’s lie.

See, this wouldn’t be a problem, except people are listening to this horrible shit. There is nothing in this that could nourish good feelings. I wouldn’t want to “party” with these two monkeys… they’d just start a fight! Yet I look around and see people bumping this music, riding in cars with “Neon Illusions” or “Big Boyz Toyz” across their hoods in plastic stickers… with neon sticks under their vehicles… it’s more than a pet peeve. It’s what’s going to kill the American mind. When you look into Ludacris’s eyes as he bites into that woman’s leg, you are looking into the eyes of a murderer. When you listen to tobey Keith sing about rag-heads, you’re listening to a murderer. The victim sits between your ears.

STILL NO F WORD!

Well, I was gonna answer mail, but I think I’ll save that for next week. This column is tame by my standards…. but don’t worry. When I get good and angry about something, I tend to speak rationally. When I’m just goofin’ around is when you’ll see the swears. So, in closing, “Fuck”.

Recommended Download: Atmosphere – Trying to Find a Balance

Hello all. So the Holidays are done and over with. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years. I know I did. Part of me is sad that they’re over, and part of me feels a bit of relief. It seems like you spend months and months preparing for Christmas, and then it comes and goes with the snap of a finger. But, alas, life goes on and so does this article.

I’ve picked up a lot of new music since my last proper article. Before Christmas I picked up From Autumn to Ashes, Too Bad You’re Beautiful. It’s a great album, though quite a bit harder than their latest album, The Fiction We Live. For Christmas, I got three different CD’s. Thrice, Identity Crisis and Illusion of Safety. Both are awesome, though their newest album, The Artist in the Ambulance, is still my favorite. I also got Avenged Sevenfold’s debut album, Sounding the Seventh Trumpet. I don’t know how to put into words how great this band really is. You have to listen to really comprehend, I guess. The other day I bought Killswitch Engage’s latest album, Alive or Just Breathing. I’ve debated on buying this album for a while now, and after listening to it, I don’t know what I was waiting for. Excellent metalcore. Check out My Last Serenade, it’s a great song. Yesterday, I picked up NOFX’s The Decline and The Essential Clash, both used. Though considered an actual album on the band’s web site, The Decline is really just one eighteen minute long song. A good, eighteen minute long song.

I watched a few new movies over the past couple weeks as well. The other night I rented Jeepers Creepers 2 and Swat. Both of them were pretty decent movies. I wasn’t sure if I liked Jeepers Creepers 2 better than the first one or not. I’m kinda torn between the both of them. It’s basically your typical slasher flick, but still worth at least one watch. I wouldn’t buy it though. Swat is a story involving an international fugitive who is arrested, and one national news offers a large amount of money to anyone who can free him from jail. From gangs to ordinary citizens, everyone comes out to try and get the reward. The swat team is called in to help keep him from escaping. My only complaint about the movie is that the plot was so predictable. It didn’t require any thinking at all to figure out who was gonna do what. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean. Friday, I purchased American Wedding. This is probably the funniest movie I’ve seen in a while. It’s a shame that it’s the last one they’re going to make. I suppose, all good things must come to an end. It was only a matter of time before the same jokes were repeated and it would eventually get old. Oh, and Stiffler is my idle. For real.

In some news that made my day, Avenged Sevenfold have been added to the 2004 Warped Tour lineup. I’ve been waiting for this to happen since the first three bands were announced. If I only see this band over the summer, I’ll be happy. There are still more bands to be announced for the tour, but you can view the current lineup by clicking the link.
Warped Tour

According to Rolling Stone magazine, on their upcoming album, Blondie will include a tribute to the late Joey Ramone. The tribute track is titled Hello Joe, and was written by Deborah Harry after Joey’s death in 2001. Rolling Stone

Some upcoming albums in the next couple of months. Ferret records band, Remembering Never, will release their sophomore album, Women and Children Die First on January 27. The Lostprophets will release Start Something on February 3. If it’s anywhere near as good as their first album, then I’m sure this album will be great. On February 24, Blindside will release their album, About a Burning Fire. Another great album worth looking forward to. Bad Religion is also in the studio working on a new album, which should be excellent. No word on a release date yet though. You can catch them on the 2004 Warped Tour though.

Thanks for reading. Until next time, I’m out.

As per the new and improved death rule, I aquired yet another week off my column. Sorry to all you folks out there who actually read what I have to say. I would first like to comment that I have been absent from the forums as of late due to personal issues as well as the issue of being home and confronted with 845 channels of digital cable to amuse myself with. I am sure none of you have been the wiser of my absence, as I have been relatively unaware of the comotion that has consumed BP during my haitus. It is here and here only that I will make my only comment on the issues: I have no stance, I will say nothing against anyone and wish to remain uninvolved in any and all drama that may ensue. I, along with most of you BPites I am sure, come here for release; therefore I don’t wish to involve myself in petty drama. I am perfectly content to remain unaware of the chaos that has risen in my absence. That being said, on to more important business: my reveiw column will, as of today, be instituting a star rating as per my personal opinion, based on a five star format. Feel free to disagree or elect me your preistess of cultural knowledge and official representative of good taste in the culture of American dissent; your choice.

Literature Review:Portrait of a Killer: Jack the Ripper Case Closed, Patricia Cornwell. Stunning novel, intersting theory on the identity of Jack the Ripper, perhaps one of the most mysterious and intrueging killers of all time. Cornwell deduces that Jack is late 19th century artist Walter Sickert. Her method of research, although a bit flimsy, seeks to prove Sickert the infamous serial killer through matched DNA, fingerprinting and watermarks, as well as the comparison of probable personalities and the stricking similarity of Sickerts portraits and Ripper homicide scenes. She uses a switch method of story telling, conjecture and detective work to weave the tale of Walter Sickert as the Ripper and paint a rather horrid picture of a gothic, drippy and soot covered industrial London. A great read for even the most novice of Ripper enthusiasts. I have recently encountered some rather harsh criticism of her theory on a Ripper theory website, and unfortunately have to concure with the critics analysis of her somewhat poor detective work. She seems desperate to convince both the reader and herself that the man she has so enthusiastically (and prematurely) accused is indeed the Ripper. Her evidence lacks convicition but has some credability as a theory (although about as much as the Royal Conspiracy Theory championed in Allen Moore’s novel and subsequent adapted screenplay, From Hell). However, her abrasive style and refusal to back down make for excellent story telling and a very interesting read. Star Rating: 3 of 5

Movie Review: The Barbarian Invasions. This flick tells the story of a French Canadian man dying of cancer in a hospital in Quebec. His loyal but disaproving son comes to his rescue from London with his new wife and gathers a group of his father’s old friends who proceed to take over his room at the hospital. The movie becomes a tale of old revelries and the misadventures of a group of verbose, intellectual bohemians and thier effects on a dying man. The cancer seems to spread through the group and reunites, disjoints and affects each person in a profuond and distinctly personal way. The movie moves from a somewhat satirical memoir to a shocking comment on individuality, disease and culture with a tumultous turning point: a jarring and random clilp of plane two exploding into Tower 1. From here on out the movie, while keeping its lighthearted and adventerous undertones, plays the characters off one another and culmintates in the will of a dying man to impart some sort of life lesson to his distant son and sort out his misgivings with a group of rambunctous friends. Excellent movie, one of the best I have seen in a while. It is an independant film in French, but well worth the labors of subtitle reading. It is playing at the Lincoln Plaza theatre in New York (it premiered at the film festival a couple of months ago) and should be making its way inwards from the west and east coats to independant theatres elsewhere. If it happens to come by your area it is well worth a drive to see. Star Rating: 4.5 of 5

Well my lovlies, it is time for me to be on my merry way. I hope you found me useful or at the least entertaining. I will make my best effort to come back to you next week with something other than a reveiw. As a side note to anyone who has cared enough about this article to read this far, if anyone (on staff or not) has any movies, books, cd’s, exhibits, etc. that they think deserve a reveiw I would appreciate any and all suggestions!

HORSE SHIT! That’s all I’ve got to say about this year’s NCAA Bowl Games. Out of the thirteen Bowl Games so far, I have predicted FIVE right. ONLY FIVE. I’ve done a bad job this year. I’m really upset. However, there is one game left, and it just ended.

College Football
I planned to have my column published Sunday morning so I could make a prediction on the BCS Championship Game. LSU and Oklahoma squared off in LSU’s backyard of New Orleans. I was discouraged from the very beginning when LSU jumped out to a quick 7-0 lead. Oklahoma bounced right back and scored to tie the game. Things still did not look like they were clicking for the Sooners. LSU got two more touchdowns in before Oklahoma crossed the goal line again. Louisiana State University is your 2004 BCS National Champions. Congratulations to them as they totally shut down Heisman Winner Jason White and the Sooner offense. The final score was 21-14.

I did pick Oklahoma to win this game. I did terrible. I ended up with a 5-9 record in predicting Bowl Games this year. This has truly been a travesty.

Now, this of course leaves a big question. Who should be the National Champion? LSU and Southern Cal will split the Title. This should not be acceptable. I personally believe that their should be a game next weekend to decide the true National Champion between Southern Cal and LSU. This probably won’t happen, and we’ll have split National Championship.

NFL
Congratulations to Steve McNair and Peyton Manning on sharing the NFL’s MVP Award this year. Both quarterbacks have led their team to the playoffs and I expect either the Titans or the Colts to make it to the Superbowl. Once again, congratulations.

Wild Card Weekend was upon us as the Dallas Cowboys faced the Carolina Panthers, the Green Bay Packers faced the Seattle Seahawks, the Tennessee Titans faced the Baltimore Ravens, and the Indianapolis Colts faced the Denver Broncos.

I was not able to watch the Titans vs. Baltimore game, but I saw that it came down to a 40+ yard field goal that the Titans made. Congratulations to them.

Dallas at Carolina was… disappointing to say the least. I am one of the biggest Cowboy fans in the world and I live in North Carolina! Dallas was revealed that they weren’t the great team that they were made out to be. The NFC East was week this year, and the Panthers just stuck it to them. Congrats to the Panthers.

Green Bay vs. Seattle was an awesome game. They went into overtime at cold Lambeau Field. Al Harris takes an interception thrown by Matt Hasselbeck back 52 yards for the game winning touchdown.

The Indianapolis Colts faced the Denver Broncos in Indy. Two weeks ago, Denver beat the Colts by two touchdowns. This game was a lot different. Peyton Manning and the Colts offense came out firing on all cylinders and punished the Broncos 41-10. This was Peyton’s first career playoff victory. It’s the first big win in his career since winning the National Championship his senior year of college at Tennessee.

Next weeks games are: Indianapolis Colts at Kansas City Cheifs, Tennessee Titans at New England Patriots, Carolina Panthers at St. Louis Rams, and the Green Bay Packers head to Philly to take on the Philadelphia Eagles.

Embarrasment of the Week
Anyone see what the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin did the other day? He was holding his one-month-old child in his left arm and feeding a huge crocodile with the other. Many people had complaints about it, but I really didn’t have a problem with it. I’m sure if anyone knew what they were doing out there, it was Irwin, but the public had a hissy fit.

I’ve got two movie reviews for you today. Hulk and S.W.A.T. were two movies that I’ve seen over the past few days. Now lets get to them…

Movie Review: Hulk
-I’ve only heard bad things about this movie. I decided I wouldn’t listen to those other people, and I wanted to go into this movie clearheaded. This movie drags on and on and on and on. Some of the scenes were very well done. Others looked like pure crap. One for example, when they are in the desert and the Hulk is running from the helicopters. He jumps and tumbles down a sand dune. It seriously looks like someone took a Hulk action figure and threw him down into the sand. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Other than that I really didn’t have any complaints about the movie. It was o-k. It’s not one that I would pay money to buy.

My Thoughts
-This movie was fair. It is definitely not the best comic-turned-movie I’ve seen. I’ve actually been thinking hard about what to give this movie. Out of 10 thumbs up, I give it 5 thumbs up.

Movie Review: S.W.A.T.
-I will tell you right now, I absolutely loved this movie. It is definitely the best cop movie since Training Day. Colin Ferrel plays his role well in this movie, as does Samuel L. Jackson, L L Cool J, and Michelle Rodriguez. Of course, if it’s a cop movie, you gotta have the dirty cop twist. The Drug Kingpin offers $100 million dollars to anyone who can break him out of prison. While trying to extricate the prisoner, they go through a little bit of trouble. Many gangs and just regular badasses are trying to break this guy out. Using what they learned in training, the S.W.A.T. team tries their best to thwart these rescue attempts.

My Thoughts
-This movie is great. The characters in this movie were played excellently. Out of 10 thumbs up, I give it 10 thumbs up!

Now, I hope everyone had a safe holiday. Unfortunately I have to suffer the agony of school once again starting Tuesday. I loved my break. See ya next week.

Rent, The Phantom of the Opera, The Producers, Les Miserables…Fuck ’em. I have a new favorite musical and it’s so good that regardless of musical tastes, or enjoyment of theatre, everyone enjoys it.
Last month, as a holiday present, my sister, brother-in-law and I went to see a performance of Avenue Q. This musical, brought up from Off Broadway to Broadway (which is a difficult task) has won countless awards, and for good reason.
Some uninformed theatre critics may say that Avenue Q has gained success because it has a gimmick, which is that it uses puppets as some of its main characters. I too had this opinion, but after the first musical number, What do you do with a B.A. in English?/ It Sucks to Be Me, I was sold.
Avenue Q takes the idea of Sesame Street, using puppets and human actors to teach life lessons, and sticks a lit M-80 up its butt. This show is definitely not for children. With songs like “If you were gay”, “The internet is for porn” and my personal favorite, “Everyone’s a little bit racist” this show is strictly for adults.
There is a plot, I promise. Princeton (a puppet, voiced and performed brilliantly by John Tartaglia) just graduated college finds himself an apartment on Avenue Q. He sets out to find his purpose in life, and living his life outside of college in the real world. I may add at this time that the super of this dilapidated apartment building is none other than Gary Coleman. Yes, THE Gary Coleman, who is not played by himself but rather a very funny and talented woman named Natalie Venetia Belcon.
Living in the apartment building along side Princeton, and Gary Coleman are a crazy group of puppets and humans. There is Kate Monster , a puppet, who has dreams of opening up her monster school and finding a boyfriend. There are Brian and Christmas Eve, two humans, trying to get by without having jobs. A puppet named Trekkie Monster (who suspiciously resembles Cookie Monster) a monosyllabic monster that enjoys, what else, internet pornography, and two roommate puppets, Rod (a closet homosexual) and Nicky (a fun loving slob who tries to get Rod to feel comfortable expressing his sexuality.) Rod and Nicky also very closely mirror Sesame Streets closeted homosexual and fun loving slob, Burt and Ernie.
Asides from being ridiculously hilarious, Avenue Q also makes a lot of good points, very relevant in this day and age. Issues such as homosexuality, racism, love, and finding ones purpose are all raised, leaving audience members feeling both very amused, and very refreshed. It proved itself to be beyond just a show where puppets curse and talk about adult things (Crank Yankers, anyone) and it actually delivered messages about life.
I can honestly say I have never laughed this hard in my whole life, beating out the time that bitchy Jamie Freedman came on stage in Grease with her skirt tucked into her underwear at summer camp in 6th grade. Even if you don’t like musicals, you will like Avenue Q, if not just for puppets saying fuck a lot.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

You know, it’s New Years, and they say there wasn’t a terrorist attack. Go to the airport, and see if they give you a cavity search…. then ask yourself… “self, if that wasn’t a terrorist attack, what is?”

SELF CENTERED MUSIC…SUCKS

Linkin Park is one of the biggets bands out there! Wow! Look at all the albums they sell. Million upon millions of angst-ridden youths wandering around, buying up these albums of rap-rock (rap-rock… doesn’t it sound like some wierd rock monster out of Two Towers?) and blaring them as they sit in their room, writing in their journals about how much they hate their parents for skimming their allowance. But there’s a problem with all of this… it’s my problem with most contemporary music. Most of it is… well.

COMPLETELY SELF-CENTERED.

I’m all for a self-centered song, but coupled with the Vagina movement of 1997 (anybody remember Paula Cole?) and the ensuing Lillith Fair b.s., it became fashionable to sing about yourself… completely about yourself. And not in the good way of the past, where it was used to spread a message. Now it was used simply to vent. Consider Public Enemy, who’s lyrics were focused on oppression with a steady, driving beat, or the music of early Metallica, which, although not my cup of tea, tended to tell stories with words. Now, consider this for a moment.

“I wanna heal, I wanna feel…”

“Everything you say to me, it takes me one step closer to the edge, and I’m about to break!”

“I am number one…”

“I am not the person who is singing, I am the quiet one inside…”

“It doesn’t matter what car I drive or the ice around my neck…”

“How do you like me now, now that I’m on my way, do you still think I’m crazy, standing here today?”

“You’re gettin’ closer, to pushin’ me off of lifes little (god that’s lame) ledge, ‘Cause I’m a loser…”

“I wanna be in another place, I hate when you say you don’t, understand… I wanna be with the energy (?) not with the enemy, a place for my head…”

“Now I see, you’re testing me, pushing me away…” (Well of course she is, you narcissistic whiner)

JESUS! When the Beatles did it, it was ast least interesting… (I am the Walrus, anybody?) but this shit…. and yes folks, it is shit, all of it… is a genuine bore. Nobody’s into creation, they just like to vent. Get a Linkin Park album, and bleep out every menion of the words “I, my, myself, mine, and me”. What you’re left with will sound like a Robot on dialysis.

Everythings contaminated. Rap becomes a dick-waving contest. Rock becomes an angst-waving contest. Pop tries to see how greatly it can irritate me. Country? God, it’s forgotten it’s cousin-molesting roots!

THE SIXTH SIN: ANNOYING MANNERISMS

Let’s forget all of that, anyway. Time to explain to you the peculiar habits of the once and future roomate. Lets call him Finius to avoid a lawsuit.

Finius, he has a very strict religion on him. It disallows him from doing a lot of fun… and nessessary things. Like waxing the weasel. As a result, he sits at his computer, and his legs… shake. Mechanically. Mine don’t, because the central nerve cluster between them is given maintenence on a regular basis. It’s not a sin, it’s a necessity. But Finius, he don’t know that, and as a result, he sits at his desk, bug-eyed, legs shaking like a grasshopper on cocaine. But it don’t stop there. The guy has an online girlfriend. (which is LAME. LAMER THAN THE LAMEST OF THE LAME. Twice as lame as Lara) When he talks to her on the phone, (or worse, on the computer), he utters this fake laugh. “A hee ha!” Remember Mosquito? Kinda like that (and if you remember Mosquito, you get a free pie).
Anyway, mannerisms such as this realy get to me. Which brings me to SIN FIVE, which I was supposed to write on last week. It really ties in with SIN SIX….

SIN FIVE: EFFEMMINANT HIGH FIVES

I got a buddy named Bo, and he’s one cool ass guy! He gets all the ladies, is a blast to be around, and smells fantastic. One problem….
The high fives he gives… and he gives a lot… lack manliness.
Here’s a high five from Bo.

“Bryan!”
“yeah?”
“High Five!”

My hand is raised. Bo’s hand softly touches the bottom of my palm in the most homoerotic fashion imaginable, and then gently caresses the old scars beneath my wrist, before giving me a slight tickle just above my elbow.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!
…although I bet of you are sportin’ some trouser oak from that description, ya fackin’ perverts.

Anyway, enough of this. I must get back to my marvelous Dallas vacation. Mazel Tov ya crazy kids!