Boo Ya! Did I scare ya? I doubt it, because I couldn’t scare anybody away from the greatest column that the world has ever seen, now can I? Damn right, I can’t! Anyways, I hope everybody has had an incredible winter break and is ready to kick off the new semester with a bang … a big bang … a bang bigger than the one Oday and Qusay got!
When we rang in the New Year, some people thought the media should have stressed that a satellite landed on Mars. Bottom line is that it wasn’t, so shut up! The first most talked about story of the year was the beautiful marriage of Britney Spears and her childhood friend, Jason Allen Alexander. Supposedly, they were dating and suddenly, decided to get hitched in Las Vegas on January 2nd. She needed a marriage license, filed for it, and wam, got married, only to get divorced a few days later. Now, there are two theories I have developed. The first one is that she really was in love with this guy and did it “spur of the moment,” only to have her manager tell her, “if you don’t break it off, then your record sales will drop down,” and let’s face it, every male is in love with Britney, so knowing she is taken, she is less appealing, therefore concert attendance drops, as well as her albums. See, this totally messes up the “I have a chance of scoring with Britney” cycle. This is why I believe my second theory is more accurate. See, not too long ago, Britney did an interview with Diane Sawyer where Sawyer got Spears to admit that she has “experimented” with a few drugs, most noticeably the famous club drug, ecstasy. She has been a pretty big party animal lately and has been influenced by alcohol. I figure that she was really wasted one night from the ecstasy, coke, or alcohol, and she just saw a friend she hasn’t seen a while, enter Jason Alexander. She really missed him, she was upset about what has been going on in her life, and Alexander cheered her up. They decided to get married, get a lime green limo, and wear their normal clothes (Also, Britney Spears is close with her family, so why wouldn’t you want the family present, unless you are really wasted?). They sign their marriage license and Britney’s signature was a little distorted. I mean, you could tell it was her handwriting, but a sloppier version (Yep, she was probably wasted). Then, go to some cheesy chapel, pay fifty bucks, and become husband and wife. Then, you have your wild passionate monkey sex and wake up the next morning, only to say, “WHAT THE F— DID I DO?” Britney’s manager yells at her, gets it annulled within 48 hours, the media is all over it, and really isn’t a bad move, because it keeps Britney’s name in the media (however, Alexander had sex with one of the most popular icons in America). Obviously, Britney has some personal problems and musical issues too (her last two albums sucked). I only have one word for the pop princess: rehab. And, I have two words for Jason Alexander: good job.
American Idol 3 started on January 19th with Simon, Paula, and Randy deciding on which contestants should make the show. I have to say that I was shocked on the third episode, as only 13 hopefuls from Houston were invited to Hollywood (about 30 to 40 each were picked to represent New York and Atlanta). There a few things on the show that caught my eye. I mean, obviously, it is going to become harder to pick the best singers because I’m sure the best singers were drafted for American Idol 1 and 2. The judges complain about this so much, well damn! This isn’t rocket science! You drained every good singer for your past shows, so expect some no talents who can’t sing! Secondly, you got some of the most worthless scum of humanity trying out, and when they get put in their place, they think they are still an incredible singer and the judges don’t know any better. I mean, what the F—? You have a bunch of these bad singers appear on the show and say that, “I want to be on American Idol because the show is so good!” Then, after their crappy ass audition, they come out and say, “I hate American Idol! The show sucks and because I’m not on it, it is going to suck even more! I could have made myself a lot of money if I were picked. I can dance, act, and sing.” Honestly, these people needed a bigger wake-up call. American Idol isn’t about acting or dancing, but singing. It’s all about the singing. And, you got these moronic assholes who go on the show saying how they could have made themselves a ton of dough. I say screw that. If money is the only thing you care about, then there will always be a job for you working the corners of 32nd Street.
Sorry for getting on that tangent. I’m just sick and tired of these greedy hooligans only caring about every dollar that comes in their pocket. Simply, they are pathetic sellouts. All I know is that true talent do what they love regardless of the money, and that’s the truth. Simon and Randy have been funny nonetheless, and Paula is beautiful as always (although she kinda looks stoned nowadays). I remember this girl singing on the show and she seemed like a nice girl with a dream, but a terrible voice. When they laughed at her, it looked like she was about to cry. Hesitantly, she said, “I tried my best. That’s the only thing I can ask for and have God by my side.” Simon replies with one wiseass comment, “Well, God must have taken the day off.” That is so wrong to say … but I’ll be the first to admit that I was rolling on the floor.
I suggest that everyone saves up some money and goes to the local Sam Goody or Best Buy soon because some slammin’ albums are about to come out. On February 3rd, Incubus’s “A Crow Left of Murder” will be appearing on the shelves, featuring their hit single, “Megalomaniac.” It’s probably no secret that I’m a fan of Incubus. As a matter of fact, I’m still ticked off that somebody took my “Make Yourself” CD last year … I used to vibe off of that everyday. I’ve seen these guys in concert too, and let me be the first to tell you, the music they put out is definitely quality. It doesn’t matter if it’s electric or acoustic; they make the experience and music worthwhile. Now, even if you’re not a fan of Incubus, never fear, because Godsmack, Taproot, Papa Roach, and Slipknot are currently in the studio working on their latest works. Also, keep an eye out for Cypress Hill’s newest album, “Till Death Do Us Part,” on March 23rd. The first single, “What’s Your Number?” should be playing on radios at anytime.
I decided that dedicating a whole paragraph to celebrities that I don’t praise isn’t just mean, but downright wrong. So that is why I have decided to dedicate one solid paragraph to the individuals whom I … let’s just say, those celebrities who I can’t quite figure out, but I will take an honest stab to these questions that I’ve been pondering for a while. Does Jerry Falwell really look like a fat farm animal? No, I don’t believe so, but he does look like a pig that has been taking steroids. Is Clay Aiken really a homosexual? I’m not sure, but he really does like styling his hair. Which American Idol winner has a better voice, Kelly or Ruben? Doesn’t matter, if you stuff a muzzle down both of their throats, then they will sound the same. What is Michael Jackson’s deal? I don’t think anybody knows Michael Jackson’s deal … or at least wants to know his deal. Do you think Saddam Hussein could have found a better hiding spot? Sure, in a dumpster in New York City … nobody cares about bums until they sleep on their lawns or benches. All right, and lastly, will R. Kelly ever get with the Mary Kate and Ashley? By my watch, he has four months to try because once they turn 18, they will be too old for Mr. Kelly.
That’s all I have this time. I know some of you may be thinking that I don’t like these celebrities. Truth is, I’m not that bad of a guy. I love all these icons the same, especially Mary Kate and Ashley. But until they turn 18, they can’t see me!
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