Zack is Right, You are Wrong Vol 1, Issue 2.

Zack is Right, You are Wrong Vol 1, Issue 2.

Sup, sup everyone? Alright, we had to skip last week due to just too much shiznit going on, but we’re back. My gaming time has fluctuated from the last installment. Instead of Madden 2004 and Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, I’ve been priming myself for the release of Monster Rancher 4 by playing a lot of Monster Rancher 3 and Monster Rancher Advance 2. Both games are totally awesome and I can’t wait for MR4.

You may remember that I was pumped that MR4 was to come out the day after Smackdown 5, but those bastards over at Tecmo decided that I could wait another month. I tell you what, they were solid wrong! So I go into work on the Friday after it was supposed to come out and BLAM! I’m hit with the terrible news that we won’t be receiving the wonderful bounty that is Monster Rancher 4 until November 18. So, I’ve been damned patient, but I’m starting to get TOO anxious. I want my game and I want to piss my roommates off by playing it when they want to watch Sportscenter. Is that too much to ask? I didn’t think so.

Alright, so let’s pick up a game to review. I guess I promised a complete review of Smackdown 5, didn’t I? Ok, so let’s get to it.

Smackdown 5! Here Comes the Pain.

From the last column “It’s more in depth than any other Smackdown game. The grappling system has been revised and split into four categories. Quick moves, Power moves, Submission moves, and Signature moves. The initial grapple is to chose which one of these categories you want to choose a move from. Then you are put into one of a few different animations from test of strength to hand shake to pick your move in typical THQ game fashion.

The season mode already looks a lot more promising than Smackdown 4’s mode. Instead of having to wander around the arena aimlessly looking for people to talk to, you are given a choice of places to go and if people are there or not. Sometimes they are there, sometimes they are not. This is good though, I don’t have to go through the entire arena just to find Test wandering around again to give me a one liner wishing me luck. No, everything has a point now and that makes me happy.”

The updated version of my commentary would be that the season mode, while good probably once as a face and once as a heel, loses it after that. I got the same storylines when I was on Smackdown as I did on Raw. That was no good. Also Vince likes to switch back and forth from evil Vince to face Vince on occasion, without warning, thus pissing me off. Eric Bischoff doesn’t have too much of a role and Stone Cold is a wrestler and not a co-GM. Oh, and does anyone remember the Wheel of Destiny that Eric did in Vegas? Well, if you’re on Smackdown, that dumb bitch Stephanie McMahon steals his idea when you pas through Vegas! And what’s with no Tazz and Michael Cole on Smackdown? They’re models in the game, would it have been so hard to program Tazz in Lawler’s spot and Cole in JRs? No, it wouldn’t have. Bastards…

Enough about the season mode. Now, let’s go into the CAW mode. Well, think Smackdown 4 and then take away such things as body hair!!!!!1!1!!!!1!!! You have no idea how pissed I was when the only body hair I found was a skin type and didn’t even have hair in all the right places. How in the hell am I supposed to make a ZRM CAW when there is no choice for body hair unless it is hideous red and not in the right spots???? I’ll tell you how, you can’t make a good one~! I don’t really like the way you choose a type of clothing, then the pattern. That’s kind of dumb to have 76 pages of patterns that no one is going to use. Seems like a waste of space that they could have put in things that people wanted. Like body hair~! Yeah, I’m a bit bitter and I deserve to be. You don’t agree with that? You’re wrong, get over yourself.

I still like the gameplay. I totally kick the hell out of my roommates who all like to strike and that’s it. I’m the champion of the room and anyone who wants to challenge me can eat my schlong, cause I’d beat them like I plan on beating my children. Don’t like that? You’re wrong, get over it. So now, we want a final score, eh? Well, it lost half a point.

Smackdown 5 original score, 7.5.
Smackdown 5 Complete score, 7.

The graphics are awesome, except for Cena, who looks more like a retarded ape. The sound reeks some major heinousity. Again, think, Smackdown 4. It’s the same gameplay music and guess what?! The fools decided not to liscense some of the wrestlers themes again! And the legends, they have no music or video! I was looking forward to the Undertaker’s theme and to the LOD’s theme and to DiBiase’s theme, but no, I got hosed. The gameplay is where the game shines. Best gameplay from a Smackdown game yet. The submissions turn into a button mash fest which can always be hilarious. The CAW pisses me off because of no body hair and I refuse to talk about it anymore.

Final thoughts on Smackdown 5: It’s the best Smackdown game yet, so you might as well pick it up, because unless THQ makes Wrestlemania XX perfect, it’s the best wrestling game they’ll have for awhile.

So now you’ve finally got my full review on Smackdown 5. Was it all you hoped for? No? Well then you’re wrong for hoping for so much, go listen to some stupid Emo music you dork. Quit making gamers look bad. Now we’re going to go to the classic gaming moment before we hit up the disappointment of the week.

I love RPGs and I’m not ashamed to say it. In fact, if you don’t like RPGs, then you’re wrong. You don’t deserve to live because you’re a lying sack of Bantha fodder. Did you catch the Star Wars reference? Good, you’d be an idiot if you didn’t. That’s right, this next game is going to be a Star Wars game. This game is perhaps the greatest game on a “Next-Gen” platform. I hate saying that because the “Next-Gen” platforms are in development, not what is out now. Anyway, the XBox’s only claim to staying a major competitor (other than the fact that if you mod your XBox you have the ultimate gaming machine) is Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.

The first to words that came to my mind when I first popped the game in was “shit” and “holy”, not necessarily in that order. This game is ever Star Wars fan’s dream. And if you also love D&D, this is your very own wet dream. Yup, think Neverwinter Nights. It’s just like that except in a 3D Star Wars based world. And unlike Star Wars Galaxies (A major disappointment for another day) this game runs perfect because it was developed for the hardware provided~!

Is it just me, or is using the dominate mind force power the greatest feeling in the world? Of course it is, I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t. Traveling from planet to planet, chilling with the awesome Mandalorian by the name of Canderous Ordo, slicing chumps up alongside your jedi companion Jolee Bindo, or ripping the arms off some chumps with your very own life debted Wookie, Zaalbar. Damn skippy it sounds great doesn’t it? Well if you said it doesn’t, you are dead wrong. Stop reading my column now and go listen to your stupid Emo music before I come in and shoot you to put you out of your misery.

No, in fact this game is the only reason to have an XBox, unless you are a 1337 |-|4>Zack the Mack Macomber