Tales from the Bishop: Put 'em on the Corner

Dear Entertainment Industry

Stop letting retarded skanks get famous. Seriously, it’s grating on the nerves to be an intelligent person in a world where stupidity, jackassery, and assholery are touted as genuinely positive qualities. I turn on the television, and what do I see? Paris Hilton, failing to make onion rings on the Simple Life, while waiting for a chance to show her cooch to somebody. Ashlee Simpson, cowardly leaving her band when she’s caught with her head up her ass, then blaming the professionals… who dealt with the cards they were diven by playing pretty damn well… for her own dishonesty. Tara Reid, taking twenty minutes to realize one of her revolting, surgery-scarred fake knockers is hanging out for all the world to see. That slut Dick Cheyney telling people to go fuck themselves. These are the people you idolize, the people you push on a world full of impressionable children… why?

Hell, there’s smart people out there. I know there are, I watch late night television. (Incidentally, I also know that if you get “Girl Power” free with “America Uncovered”, because that commercial is everywhere, even on the Church Channel). I see their handiwork on cable television… you show me the genius who wrote “We’ll eat like dingos in a maternity ward!” and I’ll show you somebody who should be writing television.

But now, television, music… it’s all synthetic, pointless drivel. Why is Ashlee Simpson a celebrity? She’s not good looking. Her sister was. Hell, that’s as good a reason as any for Jessica Simpson to be famous, you can hit the mute button and stare at her if the mood strikes you. But Ashlee? She’s just something to shove on people… a little bitchy prima-donna riding the coattails of a good looking human being with pop nuggets that are better off left in whatever damp and wormy seat-cushion they were dug out of. And Paris Hilton? What the hell did she do to become a celebrity? Screw people? Be rich? Industry, THOUSANDS of people do it on tape and film it. Most are better looking than Drips McGee. But she’s rich, I guess. Sort of makes you look past that jagged nose and lazy eye. And gigantic…

…but I digress. Some of the people you push on us actually have talent. Tara Reid, she…

…okay, bad example. But Avril Lavigne… okay, tangent time.

“My Happy Ending” is a pile of crap. It’s not a song, it’s a bitch-fest, much like this column. It would not get ANY airtime if the singer was not already famous. Is this really a song good enough to promote? Good enough to WANT to sing over and over again and concerts? Does anybody BOTHER learning the lyrics? Jesus Christ…

So I go back to my old stuff. And I listen to it. And one day you’re flipping radio stations, and it’s the same sound you’ve heard for years… WITH SOME RAPPER RAPPING OVER IT. You know what I mean? I’ve never gotten over Puffy and Faith Evans slowly mutilating the Police Classic, “Every Breath you Take” in such an uncreative, mentally constipated song. And then one of my absolute FAVORITE songs… “And the Beat goes on” by Whispers… gets used as a backdrop for Will Smith’s “Miami”. What the hell? You know what we’d call that in writing? Plagarism! Fucking uncreative people tweaking someone else’s perfection! But in rap, it’s called sampling.

Of course, actual musicians from the age when music was good have to pay the bills, and sell out to these talentless hacks. Which explains Miami. But Sting’s a billionare! Why the hell would he sell out to P. Diddy? Makes no sense! So now I have to wish death on two people. P. Diddy and Sting’s tantric ass.

Hell, I have more respect for Lil’ John than P. Diddy. At least that backbeat didn’t come from some talented artist… and the backbeat is really what sells the song, people. You know this. A song is like a house… the lyrics really are unimportant if it sounds good. Sometimes, the voice contributes… but can you really see P. Diddy’s voice contributing to anything but a murder-suicide?

Well, keep shoving these people at us, and you’ll get what the entertainment industry got with the advent of 80’s New Wave and Nirvana…

…lots and lots of money.

Shit.

There’s an easy way to stop the industry from making all of this garbage, and forcing it on us. So…easy. All you have to do is ignore it. Destroy it’s food by not buying the records. No money, no reality shows about how rich people are. You know what you do to the Tara Reids of the world? Don’t buy into their crap when they drop 20 lbs and they have to buy new hoots to stay sexy. Let ’em live with what they got. You think Karen Allen ever got a tit job? No-she just took care of herself, and was a distinct, talented actress who smacked the living crap out of Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Give us more Karen Allens, Hollywood. Hell, give us a Grace Kelly, someone who at least tries to be classy.

Take your Lindsay Lohans, your Paris Hiltons, your Tara Reids, your Nichole Richies, your Christian Agulierminas, your Britney Spears’s, your Dick Cheney’s, and let ’em earn their money the way a whore should. Put ’em on the corner.

Signed, R.B.B.