Merry Mas!

You may have noticed something on your daily walks. Or drives. Whatever, you know what I’m talking about. You may have noticed there’s a sudden influx-yeah, that’s right, influx-of people saying “Happy Holidays!” instead of “Merry Christmas!” Everywhere you look-“Happy Holidays!” Now, right-wingers, who as we all know, never scream or complain about anything that doesn’t matter, have begun taking offense to this. The popular story is that liberals are trying to take the “Christ” out of Christmas.

What can I say? You got us.

We’ve been doing it for a while. Just wait until you see what we’ve got planned for Easter. And Palm Sunday? Free Foam Hands. Yep, we’re gonna de-Jesusfy this whole nation, starting with Christmas. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Democracy’s a bitch, ain’t it? If only England had won the Revolutionary war, we’d still be under divine mandate (i.e., what Righties want) and everything would be okay, because you could do whatever you wanted in the name of Jesus. Well too bad, suckers!

Now, the question that must be asked is, “why on earth are liberals trying to de-Jesus Christmas?” Well, I’m here to offer a few ideas on the subject.

1. Political correctness. Yeah, you heard me. It’s not politically correct to push one holiday over the others. Chaunnukah (spelling? wrong), Ramadan, and god help us, Kwanzaa (those crazy negroes!) all fall around this time of the year. Not to mention the non-secular New Years and Thanksgiving (and boxing day, if you’re Canadian). By just saying “Happy Holidays”, imagine all the money and time you spend on signs! Not only is it politically correct, I daresay it’s fiscally responsible!

2. A Tradeoff. Yeah. Remember that thing that happened a month and a half ago where a bunch of religious crazies voted to ban gay marriage and re-elected The Idiot Who Shall not be Named? Well, it’s payback time. We don’t get our gay marriage, you don’t get your Jesusy Christmas. Now everybody’s pissed off and nobody’s happy. Except me, because I’m a sadist.

3. Because Jesus would have wanted it that way! Think about it, folks! Jesus was a humble guy. Does he really want everybody going nuts on his birthday, when there’s a perfectly fine, obese fake man that could get some of the attention? I know nobody celebrates my birthday that much (February 27, have gifts ready). I’ll tell you one thing: give me Jesus’s powers, and I promise you a lot better than loaves and fishes. Imagine this: all the hotpockets you could want. And no water into wine. Nobody’s going to get laid drinking wine. Let’s try water into Jack! Now we’re cookin’ with gas!

4. Because it helps the environment. Okay, that one I just made up.

5. Because we just want to piss off Conservatives. Let’s face it, you guys deserve it. You took the snow owls out of our forests? Well eat a hot dose of commercialism and nondescript greetings! Yeah, you heard me! No Jesus at Christmastime! Go watch some lame Christian movie like “The Passion of the Christ” or “Christmas with the Kranks”* or something.

6. It doesn’t matter. A greeting is a greeting, and if you need this much Jesus, just go blow your brains out with one of those numerous hunting rifles you own and see him personally.

Anyway, Merry Mas everybody! May all God’s/Yahweh’s/Buddah’s/Allah’s/Aton’s/Satan’s/Kali’s/Shiva’s/Vishnu’s/Bruce Cambell’s/Nobody’s blessings be upon you!

*Actual fact: due to a positive vote from the 700 Club, “Christmas with the Cranks” is a minor hit. Proving that no matter how crappy something is, if you slap something Jesusy on it, Christians will chow down like dingos in a maternity ward.