Retrospect, Ho. (TFTB #42,425)

Been a while, hasn’t it?

Yup, It sure has. But like a bad case of gas, I’ve risen from the electronic gullet of the internet to whine about more stuff. Actually, this time, I’ve got a point. No whining, even. Maybe a little.

It’s an election year, after all.

2000 > 2004

The country has suffered greatly in the four years that George W. Bush as been in office. We’ve heard about the big stuff, of course. But there’s a whole hell of a lot more that’s gone on, and while not DIRECTLY assosiated with Bush, I’m absolutely sure he’s been responsible for some of the lame changes between then and now.

1. N’sync eclipses the Backstreet Boys as the world’s biggest boy band.

Yeah, I know. Kind of stupid of me to point out music everyone on the internet hates, but hear me out. Go back in time and ask around. N’sync was considered the more irritating of the two bands. “It’s gonna be May” and “Bye Bye Bye” were skin-curling songs for those of us with male genitalia. And the name… yikes. In time, N’sync destroyed their slightly more homoerotically named cousin, and then the most annoying member… Justin Timberlake… got his own record of annoying songs. And he started acting like a thug, and things like that. I had faith in the Backstreet Boys to stand in the way of such jackassery. I guess my faith was unfounded.

Why this is Bush’s fault:

Bush’s boring, repetitive, unfufilling presidency marked the end of the good feelings that fed the pop explosion of the late 90’s. But people still wanted unfufilling music to go with their increasingly horrible lives, and Justin Timberlake could deliver.

2. Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez cease being hot.

Another thing that happened involved two famous ladies, Jennifer Lopez, she of the giant gluteous, and Britney Spears, she of the (formerly) unpopped cork. How did two women, so beloved in 2000, go from sex symbols to revolting skanks so quickly? There are no easy answers. Therefore, I blame Bush.

Why it’s Bush’s fault.

Bush’s military dickheadery after 9/11, and the invention of the completely useless terror alert, made Ms. Spears believe her time was soon at hand. Knowing she could die tomorrow, she threw herself at the closest, squeakiest thing around… Justin Timberlake. A few phalluses later, she’s the chunky, smoking, white-trash thing gumming up supermarket tabloids with her cellulitic bum. As for Jennifer Lopez… well, she just became a bitch.

3. Barbie leaves Ken

Faster than you can say “traumatic for young girls,” Ken and Barbie split up. The reasons for this move (aside from obviously giving Barbie a multicultural boyfriend, who, we all know, is better than any white man) are mysterious, however, Bush’s involvement in it is not.

Why it’s Bush’s fault:

Bush and the Right’s stand regarding the Federal Marriage Amendment act caused a lot of controversy in the Matell household. Barbie, a rigid right-winger, constantly referred to the “faggots” trying to “gay up” marriage. Ken nodded solemnly, and continued to vigorously eat his clam chowder. Finally, tired of Barbie’s homophobic nature, he beat the shit out of her, and went looking for a woman. Or a man. You never know with that guy.

4. Ludacris sucks

I have to admit, I loved the guy when he first showed up. As long as he was rapping about ho’s, that was. I mean, c’mon. “You’s a Ho” was great, but “Ho’s in different area codes”… heh heh, that was an AWESOME song. But of course, he now has to submit to buttmunchery. Not Bush’s fault, but I’ll still blame it on him because of…

Why It’s Bush’s Fault:

Fox News. Bill O’Reilley, the splotchiest, ugliest, no-talenthavingest talk show “host” out there decided to take his hatred of black folks mainstream. Seeing Ludacris, a black fellow, was getting a good-paying deal endorsing Pepsi, Bill bawled, “That n*gger is making money! Grrr!”. So Bill O’Reilley grew a vagina, somehow got pregnant, spread his legs, and had a baby over the whole deal on live TV. Pepsi, being made of eunuch little sheep, of course cast Ludacris aside. Now Ludacris is mad, and has to make stupid angry music, rather than his ho-heavy songs of yesteryear. Thanks a lot, George.

5. Dave Matthews releases “Everyday”

Dave Matthews is awesome. Many of you don’t think so, but that’s because you have horrible taste in music, so shove it. Anyway, Dave released “Before these Crowded Streets” in 1998, which was, in my view, his best. Great music all around, yo. But then… in early 2001… out he craps “Everyday”. And little babies worldwide break into tears. The sheer lameness of “Everyday” could have killed thousands while concentrated.

Why it’s Bush’s fault:

The election fiasco of 2000 was a horrible time for America. As James Baker hid pro-Gore ballots in that deep, somehow vaginal pouch in his neck… as the Avon lady went to Katherine Harris’s house, took one look, and said, “you know, you’ve had enough”… as whiny, dickless Republican activists interrupted ballot-counting… Dave was watching. And when Bush got elected, Dave decided to punish America by giving it and it’s stupid new president a stupid new album.

As you can all clearly see now, Bush is responsible not only for the major roadblocks on your path to happiness, but the tiny little potholes, too. Keep this in mind on election day.


9 replies on “Retrospect, Ho. (TFTB #42,425)”

Although I don’t know who Dave Matthews is (apart from being the D-M Band) that was pretty F’N funny

Bryan, I’m sure this is amusing if you don’t like George Bush, but I’ve all this stuff from you through our own political debates on IM 😉

Why not write a serious explnation as to why you do not support Bush and to why you feel Kerry is the better canidate?

i think it’s quite obvious this piece is satire and is not really meant to be taken seriously, much like a few of Bryan’s articles, it’s a piece of extremism for humor’s sake.

all I can say is wft?!?! and… fucking hilarious. where do you come up with this stuff?? it is incredible

oh and chris… i’m sorry but j lo was not a bitch in her selina days.

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