Open Mic: Sorry Dolly, but Billy Ray ain't no Romeo

I think one of the most disappointing thing a male can see is a beautiful woman dating one ugly son of a bitch. I’m sorry girls, but it’s the truth. Some of you ladies date the biggest and ugliest jerks around.

Dolly Parton and Billy Ray Cyrus are a prime example. Sure, these two never dated, but seeing this country diva call Billy Ray a “Romeo” is a slap in the face to William Shakespeare.

See, the year was 1992 and Billy Ray Cyrus was in the height of his popularity. He had woman whimpering and rocking out to his smash “Achy Breaky Heart,” was selling out arenas and was having kids with a few women. So how do you keep this red neck’s popularity going? You pair him up with country diva Dolly Parton for a special duet. The song was called “Romeo” and this song was awesomely bad on all fronts (I hope VH1 doesn’t sue me for saying “awesomely bad”). So let’s really take a look at the stats of this so-called country pairing of Romeo and Juliet:

Dolly Parton as “Juliet”: Juliet is supposed to be dazzling. She’s supposed to be the hottest chick in all the kingdom, wear these extravagant dresses and have the most beautiful jewelry. Dolly Parton has huge knockers. Juliet’s like the head diva of Verona. Dolly Parton is like the head diva of country music. Ok, I buy this.

Billy Ray Cyrus as “Romeo”: Romeo is supposed to be this suave dude. This guy is supposed to know how to rhyme well, dance well and have a big heart. Billy Ray Cyrus has none of the above. Three words spring to mind: Achy, breaky and heart. “Achy Breaky Heart” doesn’t sound cool when it’s said, the “Achy Breaky” dance looks like he’s playing hop scotch and how can he have a heart if it’s achy and breaky? Come on. Now if it were Jay-Z, he’d probably have his first bitch problem.

The video is so boring, I really don’t know if I can insult it. I mean, it’s in black and white, it’s in a really bad bar and the cheesiest thing is when Billy Ray Cyrus walks in towards these girls with the wind blowing at him when he walks in. He doesn’t look like Romeo, but more like a stalker. Yea, he has the stalker’s profile. He’s a 30 year-old white man who sports classic mullet and looks like he hasn’t shaven since Shakespeare held a play at The Globe Theatre.

Anyways, here’s a bunch of lyrics you won’t find in one of Shakespeare’s scripts.

Verse 1 – Dolly Parton

“A cross between a movie star and a hero in a book
Romeo comes struttin’ in and everybody looks
‘Cause he’s just got that special thang that everybody needs
And everybody wants him but not as bad as me”

Cross between a movie star and a hero in a book? I tend to think Billy Ray Cyrus is more like a cross between Alan Jackson and Joe Dirt. And what’s that special thang that everybody needs, Dolly? Huh? A fur coat? Cocaine? Larger breast implants? Wait, it’s probably money that can be used to buy a fur coat, cocaine and larger breast implants. By the looks of it, you don’t need larger breast implants, but who knows, it couldn’t hurt, right?

Verse 2 – Dolly Parton

“My temperature keeps risin’ every time we meet
I may not be in love but let me tell you I’m in heat”

Your temperature keeps rising but your not in love? Hey Dolly, relax. Whenever you keep “meeting” this odd individual who keeps following you around, it’s only natural to want to kick his or her ass (coughStalkeRcough).

Chorus – Dolly Parton

“Romeo, Romeo, I just know I’ll get you yet
Romeo, Romeo, I want to be your Juliet”

Honestly girl, if Billy Ray Cyrus is Romeo, I really don’t think you want to be his Juliet.

Verse 3 – Billy Ray Cyrus

“So step it high, step it low, step it out and in,
Step to the side, let it slide, then steppin’ up again
Step on toes, it all goes, steppin’ as you please”

See, this is what I’m getting at. Not only is Billy Ray really bad at rhyming, but he proves he’s even awful at giving dance directions. I bet he would somehow mess up the Hokey-Pokey. Billy Ray, here’s some advice: practice the Electric Slide before you go to the club.

I know a lot of country music lovers are thinking, “God Bear, you’re such an asshole.” Well I’m sorry to break your achy heart, but this song is just like surprise casserole: you really don’t know what it is and you don’t want to find out.

Thank god these two didn’t get married. I don’t even wanna think about what those kids would have looked like.