Open Mic: No Jordan Knight, I will not "Give It To You."

I really don’t know where to start. It was around 8:50 last night when I was about to jump on my computer to write my assignment for and just when I’m about to get started, power outage. Ok, it happens.

About an hour and a half later, power comes back on, so I relax for a few minutes. It’s about midnight and things are about to pop. I have Ludacris blaring through my headphones, I’m looking over my ODB story and I’m writing the sucker. Then, it happened. Suddenly, I hear this poppy Italian music thing. Obviously, I’m not listening to Ludacris anymore. Instead, Jordan Knight’s “Give It To Your” is blaring.

I know a lot of you are thinking, “Bear, what the fuck? You’re a hip-hop journalist and you’re listening to Jordan Knight? Wasn’t he in New Kids On The Block? Dude, why do you even have him on your computer?”

Let me be the first to clear this up. I am a music junkie and I would try to compete with my friend to see how much cheesy pop music I could download (oh and believe me, I can listen to some really bad music without getting annoyed. After all, I bought Limp Bizkit’s new CD.) Not only can I handle more pop music than him, but this backfired on me on my later in life, but I am writing about this.

Here is the 411 on Knight. Jordan Knight was a member of New Kids On The Block who had a short semi-successful career as a solo artist in the late 90’s, I think ’97 or ’98. Anyways, after “Give It To You,” Knight pretty much fell of the face of the Earth, but was casted for VH1’s The Surreal Life and ironically, I was talking to my editor about The Surreal Life yesterday. For some extra knowledge, Joey McIntyre (Another NKOTB alumni) had his own solo gig too around the same time. Not only was he more popular, he had a semi-successful follow-up album, did multiple MTV appearances, casted for the TV series Boston Public and is probably best known for “I Love You Came to Late.” I can’t believe I know all this. Either I’m a big music junkie or I am a big loser. Nay, I’ll vie for music expert.

His video did teach me a lot of lessons I will remember when breaking into show business.

Video Point#1: Don’t Look GQ at a Carnival
The video takes place at a Carnival. Then, you got Jordan Knight standing there like a pretty boy. Honestly, how many pretty boys do you see at a carnival looking all GQ?

Video Point #2: “The Robot” is still not sexy
At the end of every verse, he does a dance. It looks like “The Robot.” Jordan, here’s a little bit of knowledge: “The Robot” went out like in 1983. The point of “The Robot” is to make people laugh. Now, if you’re doing “The Robot” to a romantic song, chances are you probably won’t get laid. “The Robot” isn’t sexy. Next time, do “The Moonwalk.”

Video Point #3: The new Vanilla Ice
There are a lot of great things from the past which are damn cool. Vanilla Ice isn’t one of them. He was a fad that should have been left in the past, but Jordan Knight is trying to re-create him. Think about it: both have extremely successful careers and world-wide fame in the early 90’s. Both their careers are somewhat rejuvenated in the late 90’s. In the video, Jordan Knight’s hairstyle is identical to Ice’s from back in the day. Lastly, Vanilla Ice was on The Surreal Life 2. Jordan Knight was on The Surreal Life 3. “Knight, Knight baby?”

Video Point #4: You got served?
In the middle of the Carnival, Jordan Knight wants to impress this chick and get in her pants. What is the best way to get into a girl’s pants? Not through money, not through looks, but through dancing like a pop star. In the video, Jordan Knight suddenly takes off his jacket, throws it to the side and a bunch of dancers out of nowhere come out and here’s a huge dance scene. On a personal level, whenever I rip off my jacket to dance, no one comes out to dance with me. If anything, people laugh at me. Very realistic, Jordan. I give you props though, you pretty much spawned You Got Served.

That’s just the video. Honestly, it looks like he went to the GAP, bought the nicest clothes he could find, went to a Carnival and woo la. Here are some of the disturbing lyrics.

“It’s creeping around my head, holding ya down in my bed, you don’t have to say a word, I’m convinced, you want it.”

So what are you offering her? Jello? Your comic book collection? A Vanilla Ice CD? A haircut? I hope that’s all you are offering because, if I didn’t think any better, it sounds like you’re trying to persuade a chick into having sex with you. Actually, I’m wrong. It could be a guy, I don’t know your sexual orientation.

“Anyone can make you sweat, but I can keep you wet.”

I beg to differ. I find it hard to believe anyone can make ya sweat. Personally, unless you’re a really hot chick or a 6’9″, 300 pound assassin, I probably won’t sweat. Well, maybe if I play basketball. And as far as keeping someone wet, I doubt that. I dare you to throw a bucket of water on someone, at the most they will be damp. DAMP.

“The feeling is fine, giving you everything of mine!”

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. Either you ended that song high pitched or your voice cracked. Trust me when I say no one will want to jump in the sack with you now. And if you hooked up with the person before, it won’t happen again. Just give away the comic book and leave it at that.

Unfortunately, Jordan Knight’s career went downhill after this song, But just when one star falls, a new one rises. In this case, he brought on Ricky Martin. Thanks a lot Jordan Knight … thanks a lot! ALE ALE ALE!