Retrospect, Ho. (TFTB #42,425)

Been a while, hasn’t it?

Yup, It sure has. But like a bad case of gas, I’ve risen from the electronic gullet of the internet to whine about more stuff. Actually, this time, I’ve got a point. No whining, even. Maybe a little.

It’s an election year, after all.

2000 > 2004

The country has suffered greatly in the four years that George W. Bush as been in office. We’ve heard about the big stuff, of course. But there’s a whole hell of a lot more that’s gone on, and while not DIRECTLY assosiated with Bush, I’m absolutely sure he’s been responsible for some of the lame changes between then and now.

1. N’sync eclipses the Backstreet Boys as the world’s biggest boy band.

Yeah, I know. Kind of stupid of me to point out music everyone on the internet hates, but hear me out. Go back in time and ask around. N’sync was considered the more irritating of the two bands. “It’s gonna be May” and “Bye Bye Bye” were skin-curling songs for those of us with male genitalia. And the name… yikes. In time, N’sync destroyed their slightly more homoerotically named cousin, and then the most annoying member… Justin Timberlake… got his own record of annoying songs. And he started acting like a thug, and things like that. I had faith in the Backstreet Boys to stand in the way of such jackassery. I guess my faith was unfounded.

Why this is Bush’s fault:

Bush’s boring, repetitive, unfufilling presidency marked the end of the good feelings that fed the pop explosion of the late 90’s. But people still wanted unfufilling music to go with their increasingly horrible lives, and Justin Timberlake could deliver.

2. Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez cease being hot.

Another thing that happened involved two famous ladies, Jennifer Lopez, she of the giant gluteous, and Britney Spears, she of the (formerly) unpopped cork. How did two women, so beloved in 2000, go from sex symbols to revolting skanks so quickly? There are no easy answers. Therefore, I blame Bush.

Why it’s Bush’s fault.

Bush’s military dickheadery after 9/11, and the invention of the completely useless terror alert, made Ms. Spears believe her time was soon at hand. Knowing she could die tomorrow, she threw herself at the closest, squeakiest thing around… Justin Timberlake. A few phalluses later, she’s the chunky, smoking, white-trash thing gumming up supermarket tabloids with her cellulitic bum. As for Jennifer Lopez… well, she just became a bitch.

3. Barbie leaves Ken

Faster than you can say “traumatic for young girls,” Ken and Barbie split up. The reasons for this move (aside from obviously giving Barbie a multicultural boyfriend, who, we all know, is better than any white man) are mysterious, however, Bush’s involvement in it is not.

Why it’s Bush’s fault:

Bush and the Right’s stand regarding the Federal Marriage Amendment act caused a lot of controversy in the Matell household. Barbie, a rigid right-winger, constantly referred to the “faggots” trying to “gay up” marriage. Ken nodded solemnly, and continued to vigorously eat his clam chowder. Finally, tired of Barbie’s homophobic nature, he beat the shit out of her, and went looking for a woman. Or a man. You never know with that guy.

4. Ludacris sucks

I have to admit, I loved the guy when he first showed up. As long as he was rapping about ho’s, that was. I mean, c’mon. “You’s a Ho” was great, but “Ho’s in different area codes”… heh heh, that was an AWESOME song. But of course, he now has to submit to buttmunchery. Not Bush’s fault, but I’ll still blame it on him because of…

Why It’s Bush’s Fault:

Fox News. Bill O’Reilley, the splotchiest, ugliest, no-talenthavingest talk show “host” out there decided to take his hatred of black folks mainstream. Seeing Ludacris, a black fellow, was getting a good-paying deal endorsing Pepsi, Bill bawled, “That n*gger is making money! Grrr!”. So Bill O’Reilley grew a vagina, somehow got pregnant, spread his legs, and had a baby over the whole deal on live TV. Pepsi, being made of eunuch little sheep, of course cast Ludacris aside. Now Ludacris is mad, and has to make stupid angry music, rather than his ho-heavy songs of yesteryear. Thanks a lot, George.

5. Dave Matthews releases “Everyday”

Dave Matthews is awesome. Many of you don’t think so, but that’s because you have horrible taste in music, so shove it. Anyway, Dave released “Before these Crowded Streets” in 1998, which was, in my view, his best. Great music all around, yo. But then… in early 2001… out he craps “Everyday”. And little babies worldwide break into tears. The sheer lameness of “Everyday” could have killed thousands while concentrated.

Why it’s Bush’s fault:

The election fiasco of 2000 was a horrible time for America. As James Baker hid pro-Gore ballots in that deep, somehow vaginal pouch in his neck… as the Avon lady went to Katherine Harris’s house, took one look, and said, “you know, you’ve had enough”… as whiny, dickless Republican activists interrupted ballot-counting… Dave was watching. And when Bush got elected, Dave decided to punish America by giving it and it’s stupid new president a stupid new album.

As you can all clearly see now, Bush is responsible not only for the major roadblocks on your path to happiness, but the tiny little potholes, too. Keep this in mind on election day.

-Bishop

"Because I said so."

The other day, I was at the zoo, looking at all the beautiful animals. The shiny, grunting pygmy hippos… the fragrant bisons… and lastly, the gibbons (which are long-armed monkies from Africa). I saw them sitting there in the sun, arms stretched out, closing their eyes to the cool breeze that flowed through the park. As my cell phone began to ring, I sighed, and looked at the primates with envy. I could be there, junk hanging in the wind, smelling like rotten fruit, and not giving a damn. Instead, I talk to some strange new person as the animals look at me with some fascination. There is no screaming. No division. And it is then that I wonder if we haven’t been evolving in reverse.

Remember being a kid, sitting in the sandbox or whatever, doing whatever the hell it is you were doing? And you’re completely happy, until some jerk comes over and starts messing with you, forcing you to do something you don’t want to do? Maybe calling you some names in the meantime? What was the person’s justification for attacking you? Was it… “Because I said so?”

We’ve all said this at one time or another. Most of us happen to grow out of it at the age of…. I dunno, five or so. But there’s certain sects of people who cling to this idea of being absolutely right, no matter what the cost to others. They carry it around like a gigantic shield, and bring this dumb, outdated concept out when backed into a corner. They rarely bother with evidence, and when you ask for it, will present you with phantom sources, spectral footnotes.

There are people with all sorts of beliefs who adhere to this type of behavior. I’m taking aim at one. Not because it alone distorts and/or manufactures facts to cover its own ass… but because out of all the groups that do this, I dislike this one the most:

Fox News and it’s Enthusiastic Viewers.

I was on a plane the other day, sitting next to a balding man and his starry-eyed son. Behind us, a heated political discussion was going on. I rolled my eyes, and muttered to him that I wish people wouldn’t talk politics so loudly. It made me rather angry, I said. He replied that it made him angry too. And then, of course, he ruined the geniality of my upcoming plane ride by saying just what was angering him…

In the space of an hour in a half, I was informed of the following:

1. The News is Very Liberal. Very very Liberal. That is a fact. Go to ratherlies.com* . It will show you everything.

2. Fox News is fair and balanced.

3. Liberals hate Christians.

4. Other religions should not be treated as being on the same level with Christianity in America.

5. Liberals love Homosexuals, who will no doubt cause the death of the American family.

6. Anne Coulter is funny.

7. Hannity and Colmes is a show featuring a conservative and a liberal, who discuss things.

8. Kerry is not a war hero.

9. John McCaine is not a war hero.

10. It was Wesley Clark, Arkansan General-cum-Democratic Presidential hopeful, not any of Bush’s men, who okayed the Bin Laden flights out of the USA after 9/11.

My answers….

1. It leans left. But that’s simply because reading the news with moralistic and religious overtones screws up the message. “Jesus is making it rain in Tampa because you touch yourself” isn’t something you want included in your weather forecast.

2. Could be true… if it is trying to balance all the supposed liberalism in other news outlets. I was also informed Fox had tried liberal shows (has it?) but nobody watched, so they dropped them, and run conservative shows. By that count, they are no longer “Fair and Balanced”.

3. Well, they keep telling us we’re going to hell.

4. Well, the Middle-Easterners hold Islam higher than Christianity, so why can’t we show ’em by holding Christianity higher than Islam here? Oh, because we’re in America, which is based on the ideals of freedom and equality. For now.

5. Yes, we love the queers. And they’ll destroy the American family. After all, I’d rather have a dead son in combat fatigues than a gay son in a turtleneck.

6. I laugh at Anne Coulter. But probably not for the same reason this person does.

7. If by “Conservative” and “Liberal” you mean “supernaturally enthusiastic conservative mouthpiece and middle-of-the-road wimp”, then yes, this is true.

8. Hence the metals.

9. Hence the years as a POW.

10. It was actually Richard Clarke, the anti-terrorism guy who was a holdover from Clinton. See? It was Clinton! Clinton! Which brings me too…

Passing the Buck and taking the Change

The blame for the terrorist attack on America has been tossed around like a beach ball. When faced with the idea that their own glorious leader and his glorious staff might have royally dropped the ball, Fox News did what any red-blooded follower of it’s ideology would do: They’d blame Clinton. Yet, when it comes to the sucky economy, this conversation often takes place:

“Well, the economy was better under Clinton.”

“It was a holdover from Reagan’s era. Clinton didn’t do that.”

Then, by the same token, I hypothesize J. Edgar Hoover got us out of the Depression through his economic policies. Evidentaly, Presidents and their economic policies are akin to sending off for X-ray goggles in the mail. Please wait two to three administrations for delivery.

Anne Coulter

I tried to think of a joke to go along with her name, honestly I did. But poor Anne Coulter’s been having a rough time as it is. Recently, she was hired by USA Today to write articles for each week of the Democratic convention, but was relieved after one article. The folks at MSNBC (not Fox, mind you) took this poor woman in. She decried the injustice that was done to her at the hands of the liberal media, and then they read excerpts of the article she wrote on the air:

Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazoned with the “F-word” are my opponents. Also, as always, the pretty girls and cops are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye-rolling… My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie-chick pie wagons they call “women” at the Democratic National Convention.

I’m going to pull a wild guess here: Maybe USA Today didn’t cut her off because of her politics. Maybe they cut her off because she’s a terrible fucking writer.

First, “Spawn of Satan Convention” is pretty damn witty… for a girl between the ages of twelve and fifteen. Terms like that are usually written in a diary, not in major newspapers.

Gay men use covert signals? Amazing. I knew when Pierre was trying to tell me something when he waved that flashing red light at me…

Oh, and Anne Coulter is now supposedly a pretty girl. So when did being horse faced come back in style?

As for her idea of what a chick on the left side of the spectrum looks like… bitch, you are way off. Look around BP, and take a gander at it’s women. They are all what I would consider to be pretty girls… all two of ’em. They got that way without rich daddies and choir practice and absorbent amounts of makeup. They got that way without watching Fox News and calling liberals un-American and supporting a leader who has a complete disregard for human life just because it was the thing to do. They look good simply because they do. Not because they take part in some powdery-ass aristocracy.

The Maine Event

Something to keep in mind at the end of this column: Simply because somebody says something IS doesn’t mean it necessarily is. Just as the man on the plane told me that it was a FACT Wesley Clark let the Saudi’s go, so might others try to mislead you, through evil or ignorance. It is important for you, as Americans, to form your own ideals… don’t be a Fox News zombie, or a Bush-Basher (like me), unless you are certain that that is who you are. America is built on freedom, but there are still chains here…. only we are the ones making them, and locking our own hearts and minds in them.

Break the chains. Many points of view in this country are not represented… but they should still see the light of day… be heard… and have their moment. The people in power… and pursuing power, in this country, have been deafened by spin, by polls, by the roar of campaigns, of faith and paranioa. They cling to ideas many of us do not have, but for some reason, they are the only groups people are allowed to listen to. This begets such mystifying anomolies as a party that cries out for soldier’s lives, while casting the lives of unborn children to the wayside (and vice versa).

Whenyou think you’re on the side that is right, you can do some terrible things. Consider Hitler, burning bodies across Germany. Or Truman’s bombs as they seared and poisoned thousands of civilians at Hiroshima and Nagasaki in fire from the air. Right or wrong depends on what side you are on. That is why there should not be rushes to judgement.

Consider the Maine, the ship that exploded in Havana Harbor. Experts believe now it was the fault of a boiler or a cigarette on the munitions deck… but back then, we wanted a war, so it was the Spaniard’s doing. Because we said so.

The Gibbons sit back in that cage tonight. There is no war on thier minds. No pundits blathering on about whatever. There are no Michael Moores or Anne Coulters or Colmes or Hannities (or Anonymous folks, for that matter). There is no society, no politics. Just the cage someone else put them in, with no concievable way out of it.

I know how they feel.

* Ratherlies.com does not exist. Neither does Danratherlies.com.

Pimping Jesus, and other passtimes of the American Right

Bishop, religion, politics, republicans

Centuries ago (a little over two, to be exact), America was born. Or borne. However the hell you spell it. anyways, two centuries ago, a group of displaced Brits decided to, on the shores of the Atlantic, give Democracy a chance. And they did. And boy, they got results you just can’t argue with.

While other countries were exploding in horrible bloody fireballs, we were safe over here, examining dresses for cumstains. While other countries were enveloped in mass genocide, we were busy pretending to like watching Space Jam. While other countries were caught up in famine, monsoons, and other things that bum us out, we were focusing our intellect on the truthfulness of the virginity claims of Britney Spears. And lord, didn’t it pay off? Economic prosperity. Wal-mart. Double stuffed Oreos.

See, all this is simple. Life your life, enjoy yourself, and let people settle their own lives. Let them live with their decisions. Let them be happy, or be sad, based on what they’ve done. But of course, there’s one group that really hates that idea. One group that believes what they say is right. And right ain’t their middle name.

It’s their only name, kittens.

Yes, the American Right. Not to be confused with the limp-wristed, Tisk Tisk Leftists, the American Right has taken the world by storm. If you don’t want them around, fuck you, they’re coming anyway. You want those ballots read that would prove your guy won Florida? Eat me, I’m Right. You want your twice-elected president to serve his full term? Shut up, you unamerican hippie, I’m right. You elected a dead guy instead of my buddy? Fuck you, I’ll give him a job. Because I’m Right. And you, the American people, you’re wrong. I’ll take whatever I want.

…and right now, what the American Right wants is Jesus. Yep.

“Jesus would have been a Republican” was a letter I recently read in the Gazette. God, you know, he’s right. Jesus hated those fags, didn’t he? And he loathed abortion. And the environment… well, he had to have hated that. He was raised in the desert! Right?

You see, Jesus was a meat eating, tobacco smoking, gun-toting millionare. He had a hard-on for war. He loved getting in wars and fucking with people just for the hell of it. You? What are you doing? Fuck you, here come the bombs, bitch! Etc, etc, etc. And he loved money. Hell, he would have put them Republican moneychangers right there at the front, to help the party he loved win.

…what’s that you say?

Moneychangers in the temple?

Jesus did what?

No, shut up. I don’t give a damn about your Bible. Jesus is mine, and I’m taking him. I’ll pimp him like a set of implants on the front of my party, let ’em bob around and get people’s attention. I’ll use him the same way a used car dealership will use a local celebrity to move product. Because I come first. Me. My vision. I’m Right. Jesus died on the cross for sins… so I’ll do as many of them as I can. Not the icky kind… I’m not Clinton, I’m Newt Ging…shit. I’m Strom Thur… shit. Well, not the icky kind anyway! After all, lying about energy won’t hurt anybody. Sending boys to die in bloody explosions won’t hurt anybody that matters to me. Yes, I’ll be rich, I’ll be Right, and when I die, my gun toting savior will ascend me into heaven, while the hippie commie bastards burn below.

Am I Right?

Or have you Left already?

A Peerless Perspective.

A STORY
There once was a man who did something somewhere. He didn’t do it here, though. So if you feel like bringing it up… bite me.

WASTED TALENT
A while back, I talked about my column on alchoholic musicians. People kept coming up to me with suggestions. But they came to me with people who’s drinking had resulted in bad stuff. I’m all about positivity, so I’m not gonna touch on Pearl Jam’s rum-swilling frontman or any of that. Even if it wasn’t his frontman. You won’t see me mentioning Jim Morrison. I’d rather stay on two happy drunk people.
The first is Jimmy Buffet.
Now, we all know that Jimmy Buffet wasn’t just drunk. Nobody thinks up “Cheeseburger in Paradise” while drunk. “Margaritaville”, maybe. But “Cheeseburger”… wow. You have to be on some crazy magic fruit pills to come up with that.
CRAZY magic fruit pills. But the guy is absolutely a hoot sloshed, more than you an say for most folks. He changes lyrics on stage. He’s just a nice guy. Drinkin’ and singin’ about Cheeseburgers. And stars falling on Alabama. You could groove to that shit, man, you could groove all the way to St. Elle’s. No bad feelings there. No threatening to shoot people and smoking weed. Just drinkin’ and cooking shrimp.
And no problems at all. Take that, Eric Clapton!
But the king… the lord of all drunkenness… is Frank Sinatra. You doubt this? How can you? Listen to the end of “Strangers in the Night”, where he slurs “DOO BEE DOO BE DOO… BA BA BA BUhhhbeehhhbu…” And how wasted do you have to be to sing “My Way?” And how wasted was the COUNTRY TO EMBRACE AND LISTEN TO THAT SONG? It was the fourties, I know, and we were riding on a patriotic high, and prohibition was repealed… and there wasn’t a depression or a war to keep us from drinkin’… but STILL. C’mon, people… seriously. I know sex appeal can lead (Timberlake) us to embrace (Spears) really (Aquillera) crappy (Usher) artists, but still…
“I did it maaaaaaaw way!”
Good lord. Good….lord.
It’s still better than Linkin Park. Although lyrically, the only difference is the big nerdy words.

KILLING HOOKERS IS A BLAST

I don’t get the outrage over GTA3 and GTA Vice City. I do however think it is absolutely HILARIFYING that the same prudent, powder-smelling rich women who decry this violence back a president who’s made his legacy in blood. What’s a dead pixelated hooker compared to a dead American soldier? Not a lot. “But you can burn them with fire! Or drive over them! What the hell do you think is happening in Iraq? Nobody’s dying of food poisoning. And this sure isn’t Bill Clinton’s fault. IT’s the fault of YOUR president, you pampered cows. You and your impotent ex-footballing failure husbands elected this guy while watching Fox News and reading Paul Greenberg. Why are you so mad your kids are seeing violence? Don’t want them to get burned out before they turn eighteen and can go fight for Bush in some other nation that might have a weapon?
Mr. Bush will not read this column. But if he does, he should know that an American soldier is not his toy. These are damn fine individuals, and damn brave ones at that… and who the HELL is he to risk losing them? His information was faulty? No, that’s not adequate. If you’re gong to risk the life of an American, you better make sure there’s a damn good reason. If you can’t do this, or if you don’t see any point in it, then you’ve no buisiness being an American, much less the president of America. Bush should take his bogus morals and pompous blowhard attitude, and go over to Iraq. Fight for once. No Air National Guard this time, you squinty-eyed liar. You squinty-eyed, lying, self-righteous, double-talking, alchoholic, selfish, senseless ASS.
Whew.
Wasn’t that exciting?
Now I’m gonna be like Meg Ryan’s good looks, and suddenly vanish. Catcha on the flip-side
-Bishop (courtesy of Yowzer.net)

Big Day Out 2004 – Perth Australia

(By Guest Author Jonathan Brodula)
For those not familiar with the Big Day Out tour here’s the weblink: http://www.bigdayout.com/main.php

Here’s the report:

The big day out is certainly a lot better when you get everyone’s perspectives of the day as opposed to your own. My day started at Gyroscope and the car was getting thrown around corners at speeds just to be in time. In a few years these guys will probably get a gig on the main stage (or a later spot on the small stage) in Perth as they’ve got quite the catalog of songs already. After a quick look at the main stages (Skulker/Sleepy Jackson) and my first encounter with the ‘D Barrier Nazis’ (A five minute wait just to get in to a VERY empty area? What a load of shite… things would get better however) it was up to see the Persian Rugs for a brief moment just incase said Nazi’s decided to hold things up for the Hoodoo Gurus.

The Darkness was frustrating at first because of the Nazi’s crowd controlling/little girl death avoiding but entrance was FAR easier on the Orange side of the D Barrier. After missing Bareback and the majority of Black Shuck in the queue I must say I was treated to quite the show afterward with Justin Hawkin’s best David Lee Roth impersonation’s and the bass player’s gaze almost staring straight through you at times. The Black Eyes Peas brief appearance and subsequent roar from an approving crowd was the odd partnership that the BDO always seems to deliver. I’m a great fan of the rock revival and bands that take the time to give it their all for the pure enjoyment of the crowd.

Went for a wander and came back to line up for re-entry to the Black Eyed peas which of course was the usual fare with security (I’m sure there is a logical explanation for the d being 75% empty all day but it escapes me at the moment). Was great to see some hip-hop main staging it at the Big Day Out and was a welcome change but how Something for Kate gets main stage when 1200 Techniques doesn’t given the quality and all round fun of the latters set is also beyond me.

Butterfly Effect up next was my favourite crowd all day. Everyone was there to mosh and Perth FINALLY got it right when it came to the mosh pit. Water sprayed over the business area of the pit every 2 or 3 minutes and the people were there to jump to TBE’s ultra tight set all the way through. Can’t wait for Rockit after that!

Jet were neither a dissapointment nor a highlight for me. They were there, they played their popular songs and they got the crowd doing some risky things (Standing on the very top of that tree HAD to be the best seat in the house) to see their show. Hey just because they have a few catchy songs on the radio is no reason to dislike them but my burning question is… How the hell did the Vines get on the main stage and stink the joint up last year and Jet gets small stage, a big appreciative crowd and delivered a good set while NOT pretending to be stoned? Politics or stupidity? Then again considering ‘security measures’ this year Jet didn’t do too bad after all.

Wasn’t happy with the Nazi’s before Muse but I only have myself to blame for that. Decided against waiting and watched from afar. They played Citizen Erased early and that was enough for me and I went for a wander to the Boiler Room and saw hardly anyone! Looked over to the Hothouse to see Peaches starting and guessed that was the reason why. Hothouse? No fucking kidding! Peaches didn’t exactly make me want to stay either after working my way to a good spot. Not my thing when someone records with a full band (on ‘Kick It’) and just prances around the place on her own.

After much deliberation I decided Hoodoo Gurus were worth the wait in the line… until I saw it that is. Tried for a good spot in the licensed area but thought that a try on the Orange Stage side entrance to the D was worth it. Walked straight past the line and merged in 5 metres out. 5 minutes later I was in and rather perplexed. But I knew I wasn’t leaving for anything. Saw the Strokes whole set when I would have rathered Poison The Well and was surprised with the catchy nature of all their songs…albeit sometimes sounding identical. Their new album material is quite good and ‘Last Nite’ was a brilliant tune live. All the while Metallica’s stage was being set up and hearing the odd roar for the speakers getting wheeled out and the ten thousand or so boards of pyro being set up. What was coming next was surely going to be worth a phonecall to ALL of my mates that thought I was stupid for trying to get back into the D.

Metallica played the the usual for mine. Was hoping for a surprise in song choice somewhere there or a jam of some sorts but I guess all of that went out the window with Jason Newstead’s departure. Got boring fast and was waiting for something to happen… so Metallica had heart failure on their minds with the opening of ‘One’. A sidenote to those who pay attention to the band’s mannerisms… did James seem a little perturbed at the start during ‘Creeping Death’ when no one caught on with the ‘DIE’ warcry (or anything else for that matter)? Also did Lars seem snakey the whole time? For the most part the crowd inside the D barrier sucked for being there. I’d prefer the diehards crunching me while making an effort to be part of the show instead of punks just surging all over the place just ‘being there, man!'(being those who heard St Anger on the radio or just burned a copy of the CD from one of their mates for their Metallica knowledge. But hey more power to them for slipping past the Nazis on the gate!). ‘The Unnamed Feeling’ was the set highlight just for being something new and pretty damn sweet in my opinion.

End of show and I was rooted and well cooked around the outline of my Brisbane Lions jersey. No real regrets apart from missing the Muse mosh which will probably go on the list along with missing The Music last year and The White Stripes the year before that in due time but all in all a brilliant day given time to reflect on it.

The New Plastic Sound

(Guest Writer Leo Mendoza)
Recommended Download: “Dreaming of You” by The Coral

Old pop consciousness died slowly in the hands of our generation’s careless intent to accept less. The new musical standard laid it to rest and brought on a myriad of unoriginality and hip nothingness. The nihilistic beat of the Velvets has ceased. Dylan’s harmonica falls on silent ears and his words are nothing to a generation who clams to know everything.

60’s Brit Blues from the Stones, Cream, Animals, and Spencer Davis have all been replaced by the children of Detroit who deconstruct it and call it garage when it is in truth just laziness. Ghosts of the Beatles and Brian Wilson stay seven steps ahead no mater how hard music tries. Soul Brother #1, James Brown, no longer shakes his hips but he can still shake ours if we would only listen. Marvin Gaye would still like to know just what’s going on, and it’s sad to think that we have truly left Otis Redding sitting on the dock of the bay.

The new plastic sound is not an unholy and untalented stab at yesteryear though; it just lacks the spark that lit revolutions in years past. Complacency with bands that in decades prior would be sent to the cut out bins and regulated to cult status that now make best of the year lists. The White Stripes, for instance, have the talent but no soul, its just blues by the numbers. Late 70s N.Y. has been re-imagined as the Strokes minus the spirit and anger. Bright Eyes takes the old Dylan patented formulas of no voice and long rambling songs but they substitute depression for imagination.

Few bands are actually attempting to make a significant try at a new musical regime that means something. England has produced the Cosmic Scouse Scene, which includes the Coral, Zutons, Bandits, Stands, Hommos, and Basement. While America has once again fallen behind our Brit counterparts and have few bands that merit serious attention. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, the Walkmen, Fiery Furnaces, Kings of Leon, My Morning Jacket and Drive by Truckers are all that remain from music’s once grand past.

As it looks now, the futures of music is shaky but as John Coltrane once said, “A bad idea is just a good idea waiting to happen.” So in that context the entire scheme of music today is just waiting to be turned into the next great cultural explosion instead of the ghoulish stealing of the past’s back catalogue.

The Guitar Shop

(By Guest Author Brendan Seeley)
Greetings Fellow BP Alumni!

As you know My Name is Brendan Seeley but most of you call me Grimm or that stupid Canadian Kid who never shuts up. Well BP has given me the opportunity to continue to talk and probably cause me to never stop talking, with my own Column. In this column I will go over the news in the music world and then voice my opinion on the whole thing as well as do what I like to call Grimm’s Guitar Tab. In this section of the column I will post a guitar tab of my choosing (or I shall take requests) and explain it out to you for the best way to play it. So enough Jack Jawing and lets get into some musical news:

Metallica Fans from the land down under this is for you! Metallica will begin its touring in the year 2004 for with 6 live events in Australia. The events go as follows: January 16th in Auckland, New Zealand, at Ericsson Stadium/January 18th in Gold Coast, Parklands/January 23rd at the Sydney, Show grounds/January 26th at the Melbourne, RAS Showground/January 30th at the Adelaide, Royal Showground/February 1st at the Perth, Claremont Showground. This will be an awesome 6 events for all Metallica fans, take it from someone who saw the Sanitarium Tour, Metallica can still rock your focking socks off!

P.O.D Fans? Are you still out there? Well you should be, P.O.D is coming out with an upcoming CD labeled Payable on Death. P.O.D. titled their album Payable on Death because they wanted to set the record straight for anyone who still didn’t know what the band’s name stands for. Well at least fans can stop making up what the name means and just concern themselves on the music portion. When the band started working on Payable on Death, vocalist Sonny Sandoval, new guitarist Jason Truby (who replaced Marcos Curiel), bassist Traa and drummer Wuv rented a practice space in San Diego and started jamming with no expectations and no deadlines. No offense P.O.D but if you just jam around the whole time and don’t have actual deadlines, you’ll be forgotten faster then you can say School of Hard Knocks. I mean some of this music is good, but for the most part P.O.D is pretty mediocre. Now I know there is some P.O.D fans…maybe not, in the BP boards but seriously people since the song Alive can you really give me an example of 4 good P.O.D songs? I didn’t think so.

Now did anyone else pick up a copy of Rolling Stone magazine that featured “The Top 50 Greatest Guitar Players of All Time”? If you did you might of agreed with it, or like me would of completely been pissed off with the whole list as it was a complete pile of stinking bull plop. A person that shocked me in hi ratings is Jack White, ya ok he’s pretty good but its pretty reoccurring through the songs such as Seven Nation Army which any guitarist who has been playing for 2 months. The fact of the matter is Jack White should not have been in the top 15. I would continue to go on my rampage of Rolling Stone Magazines stupidest thing done in my life span but I’ll say something that will get me yelled at by some fan of BB King or Jimi Hendrix So Lets get to Grimm’s Guitar Tab for this week.

This week White Stripes Fans we will be looking at the Song Seven Nation Army. Now In this tab I’m going to show you also the bass line so that you can play the whole song without the bass guitar if you don’t have one.

Now I hope everyone knows how to read Tab but if not it goes as follows

e———————————————————————-
B———————————————————————-
G———————————————————————-
D———————————————————————-
A———————————————————————-
E———————————————————————-

The bottom E is the lowest string on your guitar, the strings continue downwards till you get to your high E which is your final string. Now When you see a number on each string that tells you what fret you’ll be playing. So if it says e and on the e it’s a 7 you play the 7th fret on the high e note. Its quite easy to pick up

Bass Line

e——————————–
B——————————–
G——————————–
D——————————–
A——-5————-5———-
E—7-7—7-5-3-2-7-7—7-5-3-2�play 6 times

Pre Chorus

e———————
B———————
G———————
D———————
A–55555555-77777777–
E–33333333-55555555�This is played just before the Guitar Part

e————————————————————–
B————————————————————–
G————————————————————–
D–9-9-10-9-7——–9-9-10-9-7—————9-9-10-9-7——-
A–7-7-12-7-5-10-9—7-7-12-7-5-10-12-10-9—-7-7-12-7-5-10-9–
E————-8–7————–8–10-8–7—————8–7�play this, listen to the song for right timing, once played through go to the pre chorus again and so on

As you can see this is a easy song to play and you should be able to play it within weeks of trying.

I hope you enjoyed my first column and I hope you look forward to my column next time

Peace Grimm

Review: NHL 2004

(By Guest Author Corey Fria)
If anybody has played the ea sports NHL series for awhile, you’d notice the the rapaid improvement over the last couple of years. But this year NHL 2004 goes above and beyond the call of duty, brining you the most realistic game ever created. Whether its the fast pace game filled with hard hitting hip checks or even the fact you have contract your players in dynasty mode, the game is simply amazing.

First a major improvement is instead of a more arcade atmoposhere, You actually have the feel you’re playing hockey. You’re players are sadly no longer super human and can be knocked off the puck! 😮 You can ever tie opposing players up along the boards and muck for the puck! Passes aren’t allways extremely accurate which may be a problem to the average gamer, but to anybody who actually follows and/or plays, it just adds a more realistic feel. Gone are the days of a 12 to 3 blowout, that is unless you’re opponent is just plain retarded.

Second major improvement is the brand spanking new fighting system. No longer will you have to participate in a half assed bout, instead you’re supplied with what can only be decribed as pure beauty. Honestly to fully understand its dominance over the past years, you have to have played the EA NHL series for awhile now. But even if you’ve only played NHL 2003, you can notice the massive difference. All i have to say are two words…goalie fights!

And who could forget the lack of updates on the roster over the past few EA NHL games? Well now you can, these rosters are so updated it would make both Qusai and Quda roll over in there graves. Just a few minor things here and there and boom you’re ready to go.

Now if you’re an extreme hockey fan like myself, you have knowledge or have at least heard mention of the european elite leagues. Well know you get to experience european hockey action at its best. NHL 2004 comes complete with 3 European Elite Leagues, Germany, Sweeden and of course Finland. Incase you’re tired of old NHL action, switch on over to the Euro leagues and go at it!

Now I’ve sat here and basked in the glory of this heaven sent game, but I must admit there are a few downfalls. One being the directional pad is no longer used for controlling you’re player. Instead you’re forced to use the use the left joy stick, which is tough to get used to at first, but eventually you’ll get the feel. The only problem with the joystick is that limits the mobility of you’re player, but in the end, prevents any thumn injuries during those long play off series with you’re friends.

The only other problem, which truly isn’t even a problem, but can be frusturating, would be the competiviness of the other team. Making a switch frmo NHL 2003 to NHL 2004 is quite a jump. NO longer can you just hop right in a dominate the other team, its gonna take some time to create good scoring oppurtunities and fighting for the puck if you really wanna take home that win.

Like I stated earlier, making a change from NHL 2003 to NHL 2004 is quite a jump, but its definatly a jump worth taking. NHL 2004 is truly the greatest Hockey if not sports game ever made.

Interview: The Dropkick Murphys

(Guest Author Rebecca Moyer)
Rebecca’s interview w/ James Lynch, guitarist for The Dropkick Murphys:

It was a muggy, overcast day in mid august, and the 2003 Warped tour was on its last legs of its summer long run, when I had the chance to catch up with James Lynch, guitarist of Boston based, Irish influenced, punk rock group, The Dropkick Murphys. As it was his second to last day of non-stop touring, and as I myself did not want to miss the upcoming Suicide Machines set, (not to mention the fact that I was a bit ill-prepared for this interview), we kept our repertoire sweet and brief.

First off I was very anxious to ask anyone who had had any sort of contact with Shane MacGowan (of the Irish band the Pogues) what he was like, what their experience had been like. A few years ago Dropkick released an album, Sing Loud, Sing Proud, on which they recorded a few songs wit Mr. MacGowan. These songs included old traditional Irish favorites such as ‘Wild Rover’, as well as new ones, such as ‘Good Rats’, which explore the mythology behind rat’s contributions to Guinness’ greatness.

RM: Can you tell me what it was like to work with him [Shane MacGowan]? Or just how he is…just talk about it…
JL: It was amazing. Working with him was a great experience for me ’cause it’s hard to get him to work. But myself, Ken the bass player and Matt the drummer, were in the studio with him. Matt and myself were drinking, Ken was trying to work and be the producer type. So everything that came out of his [Shane] mouth we thought was absolutely brilliant and half of it was garbage and Ken had to be the bad guy and try and get something usable out of him…you just want anything about Shane MacGowan what do you want?
RM: Yeah anything really.
JL: We played a show in London with the Pogues… and yeah we all stayed at the same hotel. So it ended up we sat at the hotel bar with Shane and its funny, he seemed totally out of it and out of nowhere he pulled something out like, oh you’re awake? I was sitting next to him and I was buying a round of drinks and I signed for it and he looks over at me and goes.. ‘What’s your last name?’ I was like.. ‘Lynch’ and he goes.. ‘My mother’s a Lynch’ and just went back to his drink. And we drank with him till the sun came up, went to bed ..came back down and he’s still sittin’ at the same table…
RM: So it’s like he took a nap there?
JL: I think he just kept on goin’. He’s a machine.
And that was the story on Shane MacGowan.
Next on the table was another important question…and that’s roots. Now one may assume that since we are talking about The Dropkick Murphys, a band famous for their Irish pride, that I might have gone on to ask Mr. J Lynch about his ancestry, where could he date the name Lynch back to. But then one would realize that this guy had quite the Boston accent, and would remember that if there is one thing that the Murphys are known for besides being Irish, it’s that they are from Boston. So I figured that some hometown questioning was in order. Besides, I also figured that Mr. Lynch might be able to recall his personal history more acutely than that of his great grandfather’s, though, I could have been mistaken.
RM: So, you’re from Boston originally are you?
JL: Um, I’m actually from Worcester.. ’bout a half hour outside of Boston…I live in Boston now, I moved when I was like 18… the way I ended in Dropkicks was I was in a band called The Ducky Boys, so I had toured with The Dropkicks before and knew the guys.. so when The Ducky Boys broke up it just so happened that The Dropkicks were looking to add another guitar player and that’s how I ended up.. ya know
RM: So how do you feel about Boston’s music scene, say back when you were in The Ducky Boys..there were a lot of small but well recognized, Boston based bands, compared to now, everyone’s getting bigger, I mean you guys have gotten a lot bigger but everyone still knows you guys are a Boston band…
JL: Yeah the whole Boston thing, when The Ducky Boys and Dropkick were first starting out that year, Boston just blew up..any shit band that started in Boston could have put out a record that year because everyone was just looking…its like anything else.. take like Rancid, No Doubt for instance.. Berkley. So everyone goes runnin’ there to look at the band.. Boston had our thing in like 96-97 whatever.. and it’s still there, its just not as apparent. There’s still shows all the time, there’s still a lot of great new bands that people don’t know about playin’ there ..you just gotta dig a little more for them..its not in your face.
RM: Can you tell me any bands that people should be sure to check out from that area?
JL: The Kings of Nuthin’.. Incredible.. Ah a new band called Homesick Radio.. some friends of mine that are really good.. The Unseen have been around longer than Dropkicks..they’re amazing. They’ve got a new record out.
Okay, so yay for Boston. We like Boston. Back to Ireland, and that line of questioning.
RM: Do you know anything about Irish folklore?
JL: Uh.. very little…couple of guys in the band could talk your ear off about it, but uh..
Okay, enough about Ireland. Maybe enough in general, that was pretty good for a first tie interviewer eh?
RM: Lets see.. do I have anything else? Do you have anything else?
JL: Eh…nothing that I can think of off the top of my head.
RM: All right well thank you.

Terrific, the end. Mr. James Lynch everyone, hell of a nice guy, was in hell of a good band (The Ducky Boys), is in hell of a good band (The Dropkick Murphys), lives in hell of a great city (Boston). Well hell, I say that rounds us up. Till next times ladies,

This is Rebecca Moyer, investigative reporter, over and out.

Oi, what a nutter.

For more on The Dropkick Murphys, visit there website at http://www.dropkickmurphys.com . And be sure to check out their new album Blackout, released by Epitaph Records.

Review: The Fad – Number 5

(By Guest Author Chris ‘Maddog’ Malone)
Long Island is a rather conventional and unconventional place. Its conventional in the way that it is the epitome of suburbia. People go out and work all day, the kids go to school, and landscapers tend to peoples yards during the day. It is the status quo, and as expected, there are all sorts of music scenes each with their own trends. However its unconventional in the way that since there are so many people involved in such a small area (with a cheap system of mass transportation via busses and the long island rail road to boot!) that the lines between genres can get blurry. Traditional genre on genre rivalries are forgotten in an instant and bands who normally would never play on the same bill together play back to back to back. Hardcore bands and ska bands on the same bill. Emo bands and hip hop groups performing right after each other on the same stage. And even sometimes bands will blend two or more different genres of music together to create something new and interesting. In this spirit of cohesion, coexistence and musical culmination you have The Fad. The Fad is Jay Biener, Tom Malinowski, Matt McGregor and James Doyle, a four piece punk band from Levittown, NY who play music ranging from ska, to punk, to even hiphop with lyrics about things that actually matter. Speaking out on topics such as racism and intolerance, and freedom of speach, The Fad does more than just entertain a crowd, they cause them to think as well, a trait not common in most music from long island. With 8 songs, Number 5 is more than your average ep in length, but its also so much more musically, featuring such guest musicans such as Dave Solomon of High School Football Heroes featured on trombone on 2 songs, on the cd as well as the guest vocals of JT(Johnathan Turret)on the song “PMRC”, the former singer for sprout, who by many is considered long island’s top front man. If that isn’t enough guest talent, Vic Ruggerio, of The Slackers from New York City, played keyboards on several songs. And when all is said and done, we know that fads tend to come roaring in and go away just as quickly, but if Long Island is lucky, these guys will stick around for awhile.

Rating: 4 Metal Signs out of 5 \”/ \”/ \”/ \”/

For more info on The Fad, visit: www.TheFad.cjb.net