Tales from the Bishop #3…


So yeah, car radios are essentially useless nowadays. Not the CD-player part, but the irritatting dial thing with the signals and the scratchin’ and the static and whatnot. Why? Because every channel is the same. But we’re no here to listen to me complain about the radio. We’re here for something… deeper.

Yes, deeper.

Selecting a deep topic.

When you’re not sure how deep your topic should be, the best bet is to think of things that interest everybody in the world, like professional tennis or the comedy of Wanda Sykes. That failing, you can just do what you started doing at the first part of your column.

Things I’m tired of.

I’m tired of having to watch MTV and listen to Fred Durst lie about having sex with celebrities who don’t really know who he is. For example, Durst (who will be known as ‘bitch’ in the duration of this column) proceeded, in fifteen minutes, to talk about how much he loved Britney and how happy they were together… even showing a little note as an example. However, there was no actual footage of Ms. Spears. They followed this up with an interview where Spears said, ‘Gee, I don’t know bitch that well.’ No, she isn’t saying this because she’s lying. She’s saying this because bitch is a creepy, nerdy, untalented hack. He then said he kissed Angelina Jolie. The girl with elephantitis lips said she’d never met him. You know why? Because bitch is a creepy, nerdy, untalented hack, and I’m amazed I’ve let him get away with this for as long as I have.

I’m also tired of Will and Grace. I’m not homophobic, the shows just not funny. My friend and me are watching TV and a commercial comes on… “Grace is having trouble! Some guy has her mail!” Friend turns to me and says, “I bet that’s a good episode!” God, if there’s one thing that comedy can’t do without, it’s MAIL MISPLACEMENT.

Unfortunately, we decided to go do our taxes instead. Did Grace get her mail? Can anybody tell me?

Anybody else tired of Fifty Cent yet? Like how the backbeats are the only thing that you can enjoy hearing, and when he starts rapping, it sounds like a guy with a cold and an overbite reading the dictionary?

Oh, and I’m sick of Ben and J-Lo. I’m intrested in a much older couple… Ben and Jerry! I bet there’s ice cream at the reception! Fuckin’ A!

Yes, the column continues.

Let’s talk about the Recording Industry. When I think of the Recording Industry, I think of bottled water. You could just pour yourself a glass, put ice cubes in it, have just the amount you want… or buy some overpriced thing wrapped in plastic that is essentially useless after a while. If bottled water retail cost was relative to it’s production cost, then the stupidity of drinking it would be lessened. However, since water is FREE and bottled water is EXPENSIVE and both are WATER, then I’ll just use my SINK and pay my WATER BILL. Since songs online are FREE and CD’s are EXPENSIVE and both are SONGS, I’ll just use my COMPUTER and pay my ELECTRIC BILL. Really, until the price of CD’s shrinks drastically, so that it is closer in relation to production costs, there is no sense whatsoever in buying one. Just sing the song yourself. That’s what we did before record players, and I’d like to see these nutless wankers sue a twelve year old for THAT.

These are not the times that try men’s souls. These are the times that try men’s patience. God, when you get back from vacation, please sort this out. I don’t have enough ammunition.

Thank you, and goodnight.

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