Each of us is driven by one dream… one drive… one ongoing overarching imperative. Mine seems to be accumulating pop culture barnacles the way Roseanne collects chili dogs.
As always, our premise: One of the minor plot points of the movie Pulp Fiction, is that the wallet carried by Jules Winnfield is adorned with three powerful words. Bad. Motha. Fucka. Only The Lizard King would ever think to ask:
Who Else is Qualified to Carry the Bad Mothafucka Wallet?
Without further ado, we bring you, The Lizard King’s BAD MOTHAFUCKA #98:
Bad Mothafucka #98: Inigo Montoya
“I do nut thing thet means what joo thenk it means…”
In this case, I might have to edit it to “Ye Olde Badde Mutterfuckere”. Inigo, aside from spawning one of the most quoted movie lines since “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn,” stands tall among the greatest swordsmen of… where the hell ever, and chronologically speaking, may have actually invented the mullet! High praise indeed. So, what brings our errant Spaniard to the dance?
#1: Stick-To-Itiveness
Inigo spent over TWENTY YEARS searching for the sumbitch that killed his papa, foregoing any and all of the things that young men normally get involved in: sex, sports, sex, work, sex, money, sex, horseback riding, and sports. This is especially impressive in present company, where most of us have the attention span of a… um… whaddaya call that thing? That comes in herds across the plains of wherever? Boy, an eggroll would be good. Hey, did you read She-Hulk this… What? Oh, right. Inigo has FOCUS.
And the moment when he finally finds Count Rugen, after 20 years of fruitless pursuit… Bringing him to his knees, with the six-fingered man offering money, offering power, offering “anything he wants…”
“I want my father back, you son of a bitch.”
If that didn’t get you, then you’re dead, and should report for cremation right freakin’ now.
#2: He got SKILLZ, biotch!
Inigo fights a poetic ballet of blades and acrobatics, as much a dance as combat, as ever with the slight smirk on his face.
Man in Black: Thank you; I’ve worked hard to become so.
Inigo Montoya: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Man in Black: Then why are you smiling?
Inigo Montoya: Because I know something you don’t know.
Man in Black: And what is that?
Inigo Montoya: I… am not left-handed.
[Moves his sword to his right hand and gains an advantage]
Man in Black: You are amazing.
Inigo Montoya: I ought to be, after 20 years.
Man in Black: Oh, there’s something I ought to tell you.
Inigo Montoya: Tell me.
Man in Black: I’m not left-handed either.
The man redefined sword combat WITH HIS OFF HAND. I can’t even jerk off with my left.
#3: Sidekicks
As Mishi Kato once told Paul Reid “THIS is a sidekick!”
I am your partner!
Inigo has as his Boy Wonder (smile when you say THAT), Fezzik the giant, ably and touchingly played by the late Andre Rousimoff. Fezzik was many things, but above all he was a gentle soul who would not be best friends with just any schmuck with a grudge and a customized six-fingered blade. The loyalty of a man like that is a badge that puts Inigo Montoya above and beyond your garden variety mercenary. RIP, Andre.
(Next Time: To have or have not?)