Like a serial rapist, 2005 is upon us. And that’s a good thing, I think, especially movie wise. 2004 gave up some decent films, but for the most part, it was a series of good-but-not-great sequels like the Bourne Supremacy or Spiderman 2 (bite my piece off for that one if you have to), straight up awful sequels like Shrek 2 and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and warmed-over movies that featured such familiar sights as Will Smith saying “Oh Hell No.” 2005 is overing us… well, it’s a mixed bag. I will not introduce to you my top five most anticipated movies… one’s I’ll probably be in there opening day for… as well as a few I think are going to hit the ground like a bag of war cow farts thrown from the Empire State Building.
TEN MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIES OF 2005
1. SIN CITY
What can I say? Everything I’ve seen regarding this movie so far has blown me away. They’ve assembled some great actors (as well as Jessica Alba in buttless chaps, which is something I thought I’d never see) in three tales straight out of the Frank Miller series of the same name… the original “Sin City”, as well as “That Yellow Bastard” and “The Big Fat Kill”. What gets me is the atmospherics of what I’ve seen… how every character lives in the person who plays them. Particularly from what I’ve seen, Mickey Rourke (as Marv) is supposed to take us in, but it’s the hard-jawed good-guy personality of Clive Owen (as Dwight) seems the most outstanding. Bruce Willis hasn’t stood out in anything I’ve seen in the previews (which I’ve watched a retarded number of times), but I’ve learned never to doubt him. Also, we’ve got Benicio Del Torro as Jackie Boy, Nick Stahl (yeah, I dunno who he is either) playing the Yellow Bastard, and Elijah Wood as a serial killer cannibal. Interested yet?
2. BATMAN BEGINS
Batman’s cool. Anybody who can go from gay-ass pedophile in the 60’s to the murderous avenger of the night (and back if you’ve seen Batman and Robin) is cool in my eyes. After Schumacher treated the franchise like a Vice City hooker, I couldn’t help but feel depsondent. BUT THEN… BAM. We get the guy behind Memento and Insomnia to tackle this franchise…. to bring in Ra’as Al Ghul (most unappreciated Batman villian… ever) into the fray, plus the Scarecrow. But what gets me is this CAST…. this is a really amazing cast! Gary Oldman? GARY OLDMAN. Yeah, that’s right. Plus Katie Holmes, which is never terrible.
3. KING KONG
Peter Jackson is a hairy, sweaty, fat man. But he can make a mean movie. And when this filthy, rotund little mutant releases King Kong, I’ll be there. Know why? Because the man can truly turn fantasy into reality… and keep it so the average viewer can tell what’s going on. Can’t wait.
4. LAND OF THE LIVING DEAD
Night of the Living Dead is still the scariest movie I’ve ever seen. And Dawn of the Dead sometimes gives me messed up dreams. I’ve looked forward to this guy’s next entry, and from what I’ve heard, this is going to be a movie that will do things with this genre never thought possible.
I don’t care if the name’s retarded as the children of a imbred alchoholics who live under power lines. I want to see it. I dont’ give a damn what you think.
6. THE 40-YEAR OLD VIRGIN
Steve Correll playing Richard Kane. Simply awesome.
7. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY/CORPSE BRIDE
TWO mothereffin’ Tim Burton movies in ONE YEAR. What the hell did we do to deserve this? And both star Johnny Depp. I’ll admit the Charlie trailer did very little for me with its wierd wierdness, but that won’t keep me out of the theater. And Corpse Bride… well, I just have to see a major motion picture with THAT title, don’t I?
8. THE RING 2
Hey, remember putting that towel over your TV? Man, what a dork. Still, I’d like to see how they expand on this idea. Very curious about this one.
9. STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH
I don’t know why this is on here. They’ve disappointed me time and time again.
10. WAR OF THE WORLDS
Would be higher if the trailer didn’t blow like Paris Hilton after five hits of ecstacy. I have faith in that neutered old wiener Speilberg, and figure this’ll either be Jurassic Park or, at the very worst, A.I. Which is pretty damn bad.
TEN LEAST ANTICIPATED MOVIES OF 2005
1. THE PACIFIER
If I wanted to see bald men who appear to have down’s syndrome change baby’s diapers, I’d… I’d… well, why would I want to see that anyway? Why would ANYBODY want to see that? And why would anybody want to see this? Vin Diesel just sucks. I’m very sorry, but… I can’t think of anything to say that would spell it out any clearer. The fact movies like this get made gives me nightmares.
2. SON OF THE MASK
Yes, this is what we needed. A sequel to a movie that’s already as dated as a Duran Duran remix by fatboy slim. Not only didn’t they get any of the original stars yet, but they’ve decided to give us what the public has been asking for for as long as I can remember… TALKING DANCING BABIES! Awesome! This will be the best sequel since Baby Geniuses 2! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get a hot poker and Edward the Second myself.
3. XXX 2
Hint: If Vin Diesel wouldn’t do the sequel in your franchise, your franchise sucks ass. See Fast and the Furious.
Yes, there’s been a loud outcry for as long as I can remember for this movie. People just wanted to see a 50’s sitcom made into a movie. I mean, after the runaway success of Leave it to Beaver and Rocky and Bullwinkle, can Perfect Strangers be far behind?
5. CHICKEN LITTLE
Hey, Disney! Remember when you closed your animation departments to do computer animation? That was stupid. Let Pixar do what they’re good at. And don’t make your animators pay for your own sorry-ass business decisions.
Oooh, Jennifer Lopez in a comedy. Can’t you just smell it already? Wait, that’s just J-Lo.
7. SAW 2
You know, I hate movies that mess up my perception of the original. But Saw was such a blazing, fly-covered piece of crap that this can only improve things. No Cary Euwels please. If I want to see bad acting, I’ll go have sex.
8. HERBIE: FULLY LOADED
Ah, Lindsay Lohan, she of the fake boobs and…
…Disney contracts suck a Persian dick, don’t they?
9. THE DEVIL’S REJECTS
Think Saw 2, but worse. Rob Zombie should not be allowed near any technology, ever. And Diamond Dallas Page? STARRING? Let me point you to “Ready to Rumble” to give you some idea of how bad of an idea this is.
10. FANTASTIC FOUR
I think they’re sort of gay… “Flame On!”… but I was willing to give them a chance, until the trailer gave me Catwoman vibes. Ouch. Here’s an idea, when you do a trailer with music, use COOL MUSIC. People might see your movie, then.
Well, that’s enough out of my ass. Enjoy the damn article.