The Gut: Faking it

You know we have all heard the stories. Stories of women telling their man that they were an absolute stallion in bed and then giggling to their friends their boyfriend was a minuteman hung like an ant. Guys go to their friends and brag about how great their woman said they were in bed and she flat out lied to them. It’s because since the beginning of time woman have been faking it. Faking the screams and the deep scratches in the back

If they can fake it then why can’t I? And no, I’m not talking faking good sex, because we all know that a woman’s role in bed is fairly simple. Warm, wet, thrust, repeat. I mean faking something much more sacred, something much closer to the soul. I mean lying about something so important that it hurts my heart just thinking about it. Let me explain.

I am a New Yorker trapped in Pennsylvania. I live in the Lehigh Valley, for those of you who don’t know where that is NYC is only 10 miles farther from me than Philadelphia, so I’m right in the middle basically. You would think that this would bring some balance in the world of sports up here. Well it doesn’t, while most of the area is hardcore Yankees fans, and I’m not sure if I would rather them be Phillies or not, when it comes to my passion for football everyone up here is Eagles fans. This makes it really had to go to a sports bar and pick up any of the really fine women in the area. Now I know that sounds weird but for some reason the sports bars around me are filled really fine woman.

So this brings me to my dilemma, do I go through life bored and alone or do I swallow my pride and pretend to like the Eagles in hopes of meeting that special someone, or even just a someone at this point? Do I break a cardinal rule and pretend to like the team that I hate more than anything. If Fred Durst did it all for the nookie can’t I claim the same right, I mean I am way cooler than him. Do I sell out and buy a McNabb jersey to wear when ever I go to Rookies?

So many questions that I just don’t know the answer to, but here is what I am thinking. I do need an Eagles jersey at some point to complete my collection of one from every team. Buying a Randall Cunningham jersey wouldn’t be selling out because I loved that man, even though he broke the Giants hearts on a few occasions. I could just wear it out on Friday nights, I would look like an Eagles fan but since there would be no game on I wouldn’t actually have to cheer for them. Plus if you listen to most Eagles fans all they do is bash their team anyway, so its like I would be undercover. I could say things like “if the Eagles only had a player like Shockey” or “isn’t it heartbreaking being a fan of a team that has never won a Superbowl?” I would fit right in with out selling out! But I would still feel dirty, I think I would rather be alone forever than be with an Eagles fan…

In closing I would like to say sorry to my friends for even thinking about this and E-A-G-L-E-S CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE!!!!

4 replies on “The Gut: Faking it”

  1. I kinda lost track in there after the bit about “a woman’s role being simple”

    Your leaving yourself wide open to attack from the ladies reading this with stuff like that, whether it’s meant in jest or not.

    I’d also like to say that I’m pretty sure my lady doesn’t put stratches in my back for the sake of it either hehe!

  2. Holy shit hec i’m in tears i was laughing so hard at that, lol yeah i have some concern about that one line in particular but if anyone gets offended and doesn’t see the humor, fuck em.

    good job man, lol

  3. Good stuff man… However, I highly doubt being a Giants or Eagles fan will ever help you score… Its all about the fins… 0-5 gets you sympathy nookie.

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