Tales From the Bishop: Sin 1.

WORD.

Yup, Bryan Bishop here, and he’s ready to offend people. Let’s see, goin’ down the sin list…. first one… oh.

1. Treating Women with (undue) Respect.

Heh heh. Angry? Good. Some of you are nodding your heads, and some of you are seething…. saying things like…

“OMIGOD! HOW CAN HE SAY SUCH ATROCIOUS THINGS ABOUT THOSE PRECIOUS ANGELS!”

Seriously, go to hell, allright? There’s nothing angelic about anybody. Just because they got long hair and hoots doesn’t mean you have to play right into the roadblock. First off, let’s dissect that phrase.

“Precious”

-meaning rare and worth something. I got outside, and I see a lot of women. They ain’t rare. And as for ‘worth something’… chances are, they’re gonna cost you more than you’ll get out of the relationship. People who are ‘worth something’ don’t make a scrawny geek like Justin Timberlake a cultural icon. People who are ‘worth something’ don’t talk to me for twenty minutes about how “scary” The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was. It wasn’t scary. It was stupid. Much like someone who would find it scary.

“Angel”

So what’s your interest in them, then? Quoting scripture?

Why this isn’t sexist.

I know what you’re saying right now. “This Bishop guy’s a male chauvanist pig! Fat, too!”

Allright, listen. Doing the opposite of what I’m saying would be sexist, because you’d be cheapening…well, you. When you put women on a pedestal, you degrade males, and vice versa. So in my mind, nobody goes on a pedestal. In fact, what the fuck are all these pedestals doing sitting around? Get them out of here. We’re all equal, nobody’s a precious angel. Ugh… what kind of dickhead says that, anyway?

Guys, women are just the same as you, and Gals… have pity on the dorks who can’t fathom the fact that you don’t sprout wings and ascend to heaven after work.

All I’m saying is to treat each other equally. If somebody’s doin’ somebody a favor by being in the relationship… then don’t bother with it.

THE FIRST WEEKLY NUMBNUTS AWARD

My first weekly award goes to Micheal Jackson, the guy who underwent the most frightening change since Lon Chaney Jr. in “The Wolfman” From cute kid in the Jackson Five to pop superstar (and a damn good one) to a pale soft rock psuedo star to the souless vampire pedophile he is now. And you know what? As undeserving as Justin Timberlake is to be compared to Jackson, I like it. Say he’s the next Micheal Jackson more often. Maybe he’ll follow the same path, and I can laugh with glee at his stupid expression in his mug shot.

Jeez, what a worthless asshole. At least “The Jackson Five” made some good songs, with instruments. Timberlakes “Launch Pad” seems to have been already forgotten, and likely so. I just hope Alicia Keyes, Nelly Futardo, Nelly, DMX, Ja Rule, Fifty Cent, Project Patt, and Christina Aquilera all follow suit and dissappear in the same manner, along with their vacuous lyrics, canned beats, and excruciatingly corporate style. And tell them to take their choreographed dance videos, hair gel, “Bentleys” (fucking ugly car), attitudes, drum machines, fake hood stories, thongs, hair streaks, watches, and gold teeth with them. Leave room for real artists, who can provoke emotions besides boredom, irritation, and disgust. And learn to make an interesting video, or get the fuck off of my TV! How is it that in the 80’s, every video had an idea, told a story, and was generally bad ass? “Take on Me’ had a cool video. The guys in”Come on Eileen” weren’t trying to look cool… they were staying true to the spirit of their song. And if the spirit of your song is flashing your ill-gotten jewelry in my face, keep it to your fucking self. Hype Williams should be drug out in the street and shot.

…allright, I’ve angered the MTV set and women. So looks like I just have to offend old men, and I’ll have it made. Until next time… keep on truckin’.