Sin 3: Saying "Nice Guys Finish Last"

You knew it was coming.

There’s this article floating around on the internet, called “Nice guys finish last.” It was written by a heartbroken male virgin to decry the horrible injustice somebody had done him when they fucked somebody else besides him. But that’s beside the point, okay? Let’s take apart this radically stupid saying, starting at the back and moving up.

FUCK not FINISH.

First off, let’s be honest with ourselves. What do you people (and yes, I’m calling people who consider themselves “nice guys” you people. So?) think ‘finishing’ is? There’s no finishing. You think you’ll be spirited away to some magical land of pixies and unicorns when you meet the right girl? No! You’ll go out for a while, then you’ll bang each other when the time is right, then she’ll start bitching about how you don’t spend enough time with her, then you’ll either break up with her or make a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE and marry her. And once married…no, quiet down, no pixies. You can look forward to A. dying broken and spiritless, under control of a horrible beast that takes three hours to ‘get ready’ or B. A heartbreaking divorce, alimony, palimony, zingy zongy zalimony.

And boys, “Finishing Last” has nothing to do with marriage anyway in your eyes. Because you had dreams of love once, but then that girl you liked fucked the bejeezus out of some dude. That dude wasn’t you. You weren’t first. Hell, you weren’t even second. And you’re a nice guy, right? You listen to her problems, right? You know why she’s telling you those things? Because, you stupid motherfucker, she has no goddamn interest in you. You have no genitals in her eyes. She probably doesn’t even like you. And who can blame her? You’re a fucking wierdo.

“Finishing Last”…. FUCKING LAST! Get it right.

“Nice Guys”…Pretensiousness is bliss.

I’ve gone on in length about “Nice Guys”, but I’m going to again. You know what a nice guy is? A nice guy is somebody who breaks both legs saving a box of puppies from a four-alarm fire. Have you done that? No. Because you suck. And even if you tried, the puppies would probably bite you.

See, if you need to know why you have all these well-deserved problems, it’s because of this. You, my friend, in all your heavy-breathing, love-lorn moments, never picked up on a very simple fact: Women hate themselves. They do! Why do you think they buy magazines full of pictures of other women who look better than they do? To torture themselves. “Oh, my ass is too small… oh, my nose is off-center…” and when you like them… they get this feeling. “He likes me, and I’m inadequate. He must be deranged.” What you do is find somebody who’s really into you, and let THEM do the work. It’s not your job to be romantic and loving. In fact, if you are, the woman will probably tell you all her problems, because she’ll feel completely at ease with you. Because no straight guy would act so stupid around a woman…

You wonder why the woman stays with the guy who treats her like shit? The guy who ignores her, beats her, embarasses her in public, and sits around the house all day drinking beer and watching football? Because many women out there are like gerbils. They get on that wheel and just start spinnin’, thinkin’ they’re gonna end up somewhere, when the thing they are on has only one function… to spin them around. There’s plenty more in the gerbil cage. A water bottle, cool multicolored tubes, other gerbils… but the gerbil spins, because it’s stupid like that.

Anyway, back on this tangent. “Nice Guys”…. or somebody who would call himself a nice guy… have to be the most childish human beings that aren’t playing with Duplo. It’s not even sour grapes, to say that stupid phrase. Instead, you are the sour grapes. “I’m too good, I guess, so I finished last.” You know why you finished last? Because you’re unattractive, poor, wierd, and probably have a really horrible personality, and the girl could do better. Plus, finishing first requires you to think about somebody other than your fucking self. And no, I didn’t use ‘fucking’ gratuitously there…

If you want to be a “Nice Guy”, more power to you. Have fun staying at home alone Saturday night, talking to your online girlfriend from Sarasota. And keep in mind my revised formula that wipes all the euphemistic bullshit…

WIERD GUYS FUCK LAST.

Now go get a job. And to the guy who wrote that article about “Nice Guys”… delete it, it’s entirely pathetic. Instead, be a real nice guy. Save kittens from wheat threshers. Coach little league. Be a priest. Wait, scratch that last one. I don’t want to hear an article about how “Nice Priests Grope Last”.

…..anywho, my venom is drying out, so I’m going to take leave of you now. Enjoy this column chilled with a cool Nestea and some roasted almonds. But that’s really pointless to tell you, because as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the column is completely fuckin’ over.