Pimping Jesus, and other passtimes of the American Right

Bishop, religion, politics, republicans

Centuries ago (a little over two, to be exact), America was born. Or borne. However the hell you spell it. anyways, two centuries ago, a group of displaced Brits decided to, on the shores of the Atlantic, give Democracy a chance. And they did. And boy, they got results you just can’t argue with.

While other countries were exploding in horrible bloody fireballs, we were safe over here, examining dresses for cumstains. While other countries were enveloped in mass genocide, we were busy pretending to like watching Space Jam. While other countries were caught up in famine, monsoons, and other things that bum us out, we were focusing our intellect on the truthfulness of the virginity claims of Britney Spears. And lord, didn’t it pay off? Economic prosperity. Wal-mart. Double stuffed Oreos.

See, all this is simple. Life your life, enjoy yourself, and let people settle their own lives. Let them live with their decisions. Let them be happy, or be sad, based on what they’ve done. But of course, there’s one group that really hates that idea. One group that believes what they say is right. And right ain’t their middle name.

It’s their only name, kittens.

Yes, the American Right. Not to be confused with the limp-wristed, Tisk Tisk Leftists, the American Right has taken the world by storm. If you don’t want them around, fuck you, they’re coming anyway. You want those ballots read that would prove your guy won Florida? Eat me, I’m Right. You want your twice-elected president to serve his full term? Shut up, you unamerican hippie, I’m right. You elected a dead guy instead of my buddy? Fuck you, I’ll give him a job. Because I’m Right. And you, the American people, you’re wrong. I’ll take whatever I want.

…and right now, what the American Right wants is Jesus. Yep.

“Jesus would have been a Republican” was a letter I recently read in the Gazette. God, you know, he’s right. Jesus hated those fags, didn’t he? And he loathed abortion. And the environment… well, he had to have hated that. He was raised in the desert! Right?

You see, Jesus was a meat eating, tobacco smoking, gun-toting millionare. He had a hard-on for war. He loved getting in wars and fucking with people just for the hell of it. You? What are you doing? Fuck you, here come the bombs, bitch! Etc, etc, etc. And he loved money. Hell, he would have put them Republican moneychangers right there at the front, to help the party he loved win.

…what’s that you say?

Moneychangers in the temple?

Jesus did what?

No, shut up. I don’t give a damn about your Bible. Jesus is mine, and I’m taking him. I’ll pimp him like a set of implants on the front of my party, let ’em bob around and get people’s attention. I’ll use him the same way a used car dealership will use a local celebrity to move product. Because I come first. Me. My vision. I’m Right. Jesus died on the cross for sins… so I’ll do as many of them as I can. Not the icky kind… I’m not Clinton, I’m Newt Ging…shit. I’m Strom Thur… shit. Well, not the icky kind anyway! After all, lying about energy won’t hurt anybody. Sending boys to die in bloody explosions won’t hurt anybody that matters to me. Yes, I’ll be rich, I’ll be Right, and when I die, my gun toting savior will ascend me into heaven, while the hippie commie bastards burn below.

Am I Right?

Or have you Left already?

12 thoughts on “Pimping Jesus, and other passtimes of the American Right”

  1. Nice article, though I don’t understand why this person hid behind the anonymous title.

  2. wow, fucking awesome dude. so glad to read your shit, i’ve been missing the edge!!

    full of wit, dead on correct and absolutely perfect! great idea, you should do a follow up some time.

    great work!

  3. Wow.. I wish I could take credit for this. Alot of it was really funny, and great satire of the american right. This rant actually reminded me of rush limbagh in style… or rather the “anti-rush”, if such a thing can be said. Anyways, yeah, thats basically all i got. Keep up the good work whomever you are, dont lose that edge!

    Chris

  4. i didnt write this but i take great offense to what matt said, if u wanna offer constructive critisisim thats one thing, but to be an asshole, well screw u man. ur just a dick.

    as for the article, i laughed my ass off and thats a lot of ass. good show.

  5. Am i not allowed to have an opinion Hector? I could of said alot worse than that if i was being an asshole, you like it fair enough, i don’t like it so at least respect that…

    So go fuck yourself

  6. Of course youre allowed to have an oppinion, but the way you stated it was blunt and insulting. We’re all friends here (for the most part), so offering constructive criticism would have been cool if you didn’t agree with the article, but what did you write?

    “I’m sorry but that’s the stupdiest thing i’ve ever read

    Posted by Matt Van Dam at July 28, 2004 05:22 AM

    so yeah, that was a pretty dick way to express your views. Would you be happy about it if someone did that about something you wrote? Fuck no! Youd think the person was a prick, and thats pretty much what you came off as.

  7. Oh for god’s sake grow up a bit! If i wanted to be purposefully nasty about it i could have said all sorts of stuff, i just gave my feedback without any slander to towards the person who wrote it or those who praised, i felt it was a stupid article and I chose to feed that back,

    If people thought my articles had any problems with them or sucked i’d like to know,

    Bad the fuck up and stop over-reacting

  8. Chill you fuck cakes. Yeah, simply stating that you thought it was stupid wasn’t really offering much, Matt. But if that’s what you thought and didn’t feel like adding much more, then so be it. Guys, back off and chill out. Some people prefer to go deeper and list all of the things they liked or didn’t like, and others just prefer the blunt approach. Cool off, go crank one out and respect other peoples opinions, or lack there of.

    I’d still like to know who wrote this, for curiosity sake.

  9. I can understand why the author would hide behind “Anonymous”, because it’s a stupid article. Well written, not an annoying amount of spelling and grammar mistakes, but the points it comes to induces the rollying of me eyes nonstop.

  10. Mr. Teufel, seeing as how I write it as if I was one of these folks, I take eye-rolling as a sincere compliment.

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