Centuries ago (a little over two, to be exact), America was born. Or borne. However the hell you spell it. anyways, two centuries ago, a group of displaced Brits decided to, on the shores of the Atlantic, give Democracy a chance. And they did. And boy, they got results you just can’t argue with.
While other countries were exploding in horrible bloody fireballs, we were safe over here, examining dresses for cumstains. While other countries were enveloped in mass genocide, we were busy pretending to like watching Space Jam. While other countries were caught up in famine, monsoons, and other things that bum us out, we were focusing our intellect on the truthfulness of the virginity claims of Britney Spears. And lord, didn’t it pay off? Economic prosperity. Wal-mart. Double stuffed Oreos.
See, all this is simple. Life your life, enjoy yourself, and let people settle their own lives. Let them live with their decisions. Let them be happy, or be sad, based on what they’ve done. But of course, there’s one group that really hates that idea. One group that believes what they say is right. And right ain’t their middle name.
It’s their only name, kittens.
Yes, the American Right. Not to be confused with the limp-wristed, Tisk Tisk Leftists, the American Right has taken the world by storm. If you don’t want them around, fuck you, they’re coming anyway. You want those ballots read that would prove your guy won Florida? Eat me, I’m Right. You want your twice-elected president to serve his full term? Shut up, you unamerican hippie, I’m right. You elected a dead guy instead of my buddy? Fuck you, I’ll give him a job. Because I’m Right. And you, the American people, you’re wrong. I’ll take whatever I want.
…and right now, what the American Right wants is Jesus. Yep.
“Jesus would have been a Republican” was a letter I recently read in the Gazette. God, you know, he’s right. Jesus hated those fags, didn’t he? And he loathed abortion. And the environment… well, he had to have hated that. He was raised in the desert! Right?
You see, Jesus was a meat eating, tobacco smoking, gun-toting millionare. He had a hard-on for war. He loved getting in wars and fucking with people just for the hell of it. You? What are you doing? Fuck you, here come the bombs, bitch! Etc, etc, etc. And he loved money. Hell, he would have put them Republican moneychangers right there at the front, to help the party he loved win.
…what’s that you say?
Moneychangers in the temple?
Jesus did what?
No, shut up. I don’t give a damn about your Bible. Jesus is mine, and I’m taking him. I’ll pimp him like a set of implants on the front of my party, let ’em bob around and get people’s attention. I’ll use him the same way a used car dealership will use a local celebrity to move product. Because I come first. Me. My vision. I’m Right. Jesus died on the cross for sins… so I’ll do as many of them as I can. Not the icky kind… I’m not Clinton, I’m Newt Ging…shit. I’m Strom Thur… shit. Well, not the icky kind anyway! After all, lying about energy won’t hurt anybody. Sending boys to die in bloody explosions won’t hurt anybody that matters to me. Yes, I’ll be rich, I’ll be Right, and when I die, my gun toting savior will ascend me into heaven, while the hippie commie bastards burn below.
Am I Right?
Or have you Left already?