Ladies and Gentlemen, I said, Ladies and Gentlemen! Can I get you all’s attention? I would like to introduce to you … the world’s best and sexiest writer ever … Bear F’N Frazer!
Here I am, folks. Man, I have been so busy as of late. I mean, I just had to deal with finals and do some last minute things for people, and lets not forget holiday shopping, so I’ve been running around the East Coast faster than a whore on a Cross Country Team, for real. But have no fear, for Bear is here! See, although my absence have been conspicuous like somebody stealing cookies from a cookie jar, I have been in the works on writing one of BaloolaPalooza’s mainstream features! See, sometime in January, I will be posting what I feel are the Top 22 Albums since 1990. That will be taking up a ton of time, so although this whole weekend update thing may not be in full effect, I want you all to know that your faithful leader IS HERE TO STAY and is fighting off evil villains, politicians, Howard Dean supporters, and all 12 year-old boys off my streets, my ghettos, and my website in the sake of BaloolaPalooza.
Since it’s the season to celebrate holidays, I figure why don’t I write this column about the holidays, hence Holiday Inn Style. I figure to make this Open Mic a bit different from the rest. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still gonna give you all my opinion, but not necessarily focusing all on Entertainment, but my personal needs as well.
So, everybody has been making up a Christmas List. I am sure everyone is asking what I want for Christmas. Well, here are the Final Four things of what is on my list.
1.) John Cena Action Figure (Ruthless Aggression Series 5) – See, John Cena is my favorite WWE Superstar, but there is one thing that pisses me off: let me tell you the story. For the longest time, John Cena has been saying that he is an incredible MC. Ill be the first to admit, Cena has skills. He raps on television, he raps in the locker room, and he even raps in the studio, because he has finished recording his album. I’m actually cool with that … but what makes me mad is that he battle raps people outside the Arena after the show. I mean, let’s face it; if you saw a wrestler or somebody you thought was awesome, wouldn’t you try to imitate them, especially if the person is a rapper? I mean, you probably got some cracka ass kid who has no rapping skills walking up to Cena and spitting a nursery rhyme. They’ll probably do that just to meet Cena and maybe, they think, “Since Cena is white, then I can rap.” Well, let me tell YOU something, Mr. Cena! I refuse to let you think every white boy can rap! I want to be the one to put him in his place. But, since you never come to North Carolina and because I’m a college student, chances of me battle rapping you are slim, so I have to do the next best thing: Find a John Cena Action Figure. I have been looking for this damn John Cena doll since Thanksgiving. THANKSGIVING, PEOPLE! I have traveled for about three different Wal-Mart locations, Toys R Us, Kay Bee, and my girl went to a few stores in North Carolina. The figure ain’t there. All I know is this: John Cena is in hiding and if somebody can go into a sewer and find him, then I will handsomely reward them with a five dollar bill.
2.) A Glow-in-the-Dark Condom – I think this is something everyone can in some way, shape, or form, relate to. I personally love blacklights and loud music. When you have both blacklights turned on and the stereo on blast, you just feel like moving, whether it is dancing, moshing, skanking, jumping, shaking your head, or fucking. The human eye appeals to colors, no joke. When somebody sees a light, then their eyes tend to gravitate toward it to find out, what the hell it exactly is. They’re all like, “Oooooh … sooooo shiny … can I touch? Come to mama …” Now this is to my brothers. Imagine if you got this hot looking chica, with the perfect body, and the killa mentality. You think you can score and you just happen to have a party in your pants. How can you spice that party up? Grab a condom! But … how could you make it more interesting and appealing? A … Glow-in-the-Dark Condom!. You put that on your ding dong and then, walk up to the girl. Her eyes are going to gravitate towards it with ease and she will probably smile (if you’re big like me, she will definitely smile). And, let’s face: once the girl sees the glowstick, then the party is on! That would be fuckin’ cool!
3.) A pair of Oakley – This is definitely a big thing for me, people. I have wanted a pair of Oakley Sunglasses ever since 8th Grade. This has been on my Christmas List every single year. I always wanted to go to the beach or just to the mall, or for that matter, anywhere at anytime when the sun was out, and when it shi-ines … on my face. I would slap on my pair of $100 Oakley Sunglasses and send the sun off to another galaxy. But, that has always been the problem. I simply refuse to pay $100 for any single product … any single product. No way, Jose! I go to Santa every year, hoping my parents would buy me those sunglasses. The best thing about sunglasses though is that you can wear them year round … even in the winter. So if there is a bad Jerry Springer Show on and you don’t want to watch it. Put on those sunglasses. Hey, remember that Lil Bow Wow Video? Let me put on my sunglasses … oh what! Where’s Bow Wow Now? Hey, if you are sitting down and you see that girl who always has those nasty gritty teeth and that messed up mole on her cheek … put on those sunglasses. “Hey, you talkin’ to me? Where are you? I’m blind, child!” That is the best. “I’m right here … you can’t see me!” See, Oakley’s can make your life and mine, much much better!
4.) One More Giant Size Mirror – There are so many people in our society who just hate the way they look. They look into the mirror and see some disgusting freak of nature who shouldn’t exist. Either they are ‘too fat,’ or ‘too ugly,’ but to me, it’s all the same. So what do they do? They probably grab a razor and shave their armpits or slice their wrists (but if you are my ex girlfriend, you’ll shave that mustache). I mean, nowadays, everybody is all about change. Change this, change that, change, change, change. I’m not knocking down change. I ain’t hatin’ on change, because, after all, change is a good thing, nay, it’s a beautiful thing! However, change is only good when you are comfortable with yourself. See, if you are comfortable with yourself, you are calm. When you are calm, you know the terrific features about you that make you shi-ine and, you know your problem areas or your flaws (like having a mustache thicker than Hitler). But when you’re aggravated, frustrated, and complicated, then you tend to blow things out of proportion like you are some sort of drama queen like Susan Lucci. See, that is what Michael Jackson did. He was always a freak of nature and his father always knew this, by calling him ugly and bottle nose all the time. So, Michael Jackson changed. He got rid of his afro and did the one thing a black man never really successfully did before: grow long straight hair. Then, he did something else a black man never really successfully did before: change his nose into what looks like a test tube. And finally, he took that last step a black man has never (and probably will never) has done (or never wanna do) before: change his skin color and officially becoming the first black individual to turn into a white person. All of this has happened because Michael Jackson is a man who is very uncomfortable with who he is. I remained calm and look at me: I am the sexiest man alive. Because I am comfortable with myself, I want one more giant size mirror so I can stare at myself whenever I want. So, to all the young people reading my article – be happy with who you are. You could end up sexy like me or you could end up unhappy, looking like Michael Jackson. And watch it, because you could be spending a sleepover with him as well. I chose not to go the same path as Jackson
There is only one way to end this column! I’m Santa Bear F’N Frazer! I must give some gifts out to celebrities worldwide!
Michael Jackson – Michael Jackson has been a naughty little boy this year. This year, I got him a mannequin of a twelve-year old boy so technically, he can’t break the law. They can even sleep in the same bed, legally!
Hillary Duff – For Hillary Duff, I plan to give her a bicycle. Scratch that, I heard she was a bicycle. Maybe I’ll just give her a Glow-in-the-Dark condom instead.
Hillary Clinton – She uses her hands a lot to feel herself up. To save her some trouble, I decided to give this feminazi a lighter. Now, when she burns her bras, she won’t have to use matches.
Kelly Clarkson – She has been one messed up baby. I believe she’s done crack or coke, or something. There is only one thing she needs from Santa Bear F’N Frazer. Let me reach into my bag and pull something out, oooh! Well, what do we have hear? Yes, here Kelly. This is a new voice. It seems like yours sucks nowadays. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Justin Guirani – Is that even how you spell his name? You know, that guy from American Idol WHO LOST to Kelly, I don’t know? He was in that movie? No? Well, I got him a loaded gun with a manual on how to shoot himself in the head. Hopefully, a few minutes after this column goes up, we will have a new headline which reads, “Dumb Pop Star attempts suicide … and misses target.” Yea, I said misses. He’s a dumbass … he’ll probably aim for his head and shoot the kitchen sink. God, pop stars are so dumb.
Frodo from Lord of the Rings – Santa has a very special gift for you, little boy. Santa got you a box of Kleenex Tissues because every scene you are ever in, you always cry, even if nobody says a freakin’ word.
Nat X (Chris Rock) of Saturday Night Live – Santa has a very special gift for you. Santa got you 63 Million Gallons of Gasoline and a couple sets of matches, so you can sneak on Captain John Luke Piccard’s Starship Enterprise and light the whole bitch on fire. Santa knows that they tend to show African-Americans in a negative light on that shot. Do it for Santa Bear F’N Frazer my Nubian Soldier. Black Power (raises fist).
And last, but not least, for fellow BP Staff Member, Aaron Rhoades (Gambino), Santa Bear F’N Frazer bought him several items. The first is alcohol so he can get so shitfaced that he can’t see straight. Then, Santa got him a paper bag so he can put it on Kelly Osbourne’s face. Then, he gets an extra-strength Trojan so he can get wild with Kelly Osbourne. Santa also bought him a toothbrush with a tube of Crest so he can brush the taste of Kelly’s breath out of his mouth. Lastly, Santa Bear F’N Frazer bought him a dime bag so he can laugh and forget about Kelly Osbourne and he wacky and snobby behavior.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL, A GOODNIGHT!
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