I'm JUST Sayin'

#3: Who’d win?

Set ’em up, and knock ’em down, an’ set ’em up again. As George Carlin once said, “Life… is a series of dogs…”

Doesn’t mean a thing in this context, but what does, really? It’s #3 with a bullet, on the countdown of stuff that may or may not make sense, and this week, I’m going with a discussion I used to have many, many, MANY times, in different contexts, throughout my life.

I’m an old school comic book fan. By that I mean, I actually remember when the X-Men weren’t being published, and I *LIKED* The Disco Dazzler. In either case, in the comic book community, there are several old saws that erupt like pus-filled sores (Ewww.) every time two or more fans enter the room:

Is Doctor Doom scarred horribly, or is he deluded by a small scar to think he’s no longer perfect?

Were Storm and Jean Grey MORE than just roommates?

How exactly DOES Peter Parker stick to walls THROUGH his costume?

Is Dave Sim crazy, or just a perfectly normal man in an insane world?

Most of all, Who’d win, Superman or The Hulk? My answer is short and simple (as most of mine are): “Marvel and DC win.” Alternately, “Put five bucks on the guy with the heat vision…”

In any case, I often wonder what would happen if that sort of Comic Geek knowledge was applied to other venues, and thus do I give you:

WHO’D WIN IN OTHER VENUES?

Battle One: Girl Spies
KIM POSSIBLE vs. SYDNEY BRISTOW

Pre-teen battle machine head to head with the charismatic chameleon! Redhead to redhead, mistress of disguise to high-tech headbanger… There’s gonna be flying feet, kung fu chaos, but ABSOLUTELY NO pulling hair.

King Cobra’s Pick: Kim. For three reasons. One, Sydney is, to my mind, more cerebral, and Kim’s impulsiveness gives her the edge. Two, Kim wears pants when she’s “working”, giving her the edge in not falling off her sky-high heels in a micro-miniskirt. Three, Kim’s support team includes a naked mole rat. When in doubt, ALWAYS bet on the naked mole rat.

Battle Two: Science Fiction Icons
LUKE SKYWALKER vs. JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK

Ooh. The inevitable line drawing. The Trekkies versus the… what? Warsies? War-Mongers? Warriors? WAARRRriiiiioorrrRRS!!! Come out and PLAAAAYYYY!!! Mostly because I can, I’m going to make a ruling: This is going to be “Jedi” era Luke Skywalker versus Season Two Original Series Kirk. Two men in their mid-thirties, just on the edge of greatness. One the first harbinger of the (excuse the expression) Return of the Jedi, the other a man of action, in the flagship of his fleet, exploring Space: The Final Frontier.

King Cobra’s Pick: DRAW. This is NOT a copout. Truly, it would be an awesome spectacle, Skywalker’s physicality and mental powers versus Kirk’s strong will. It has been PROVEN that a human of sufficient willpower can shake or elude Jedi mind tricks, and Luke isn’t likely to go all Cuisinart on a man who quite obviously ISN’T evil (just a bit of a ham). With the resources of the Enterprise behind him, Kirk would obviously run about the landscape of the desert planet before getting his shirt ripped and improvising his own lightsabre out of the phaser crystals, some plant matter, and the spine of a jungle cat. Once Luke realizes that Kirk is just lost in time (obviously, since he’s from the 23rd Century, and Luke is from ‘long, long ago’), he’d help them rebuild the warp core and slingshot out of the system. NOT, however, before Spock and The Emperor have a battle on the psychic plane that destroys all memory of Jar Jar Binks and most of the prequels.

Battle Three: Cartoon Caretakers
BROCK SAMSON vs RACE BANNON

Here’s a more obvious pick. Brock is really a latter day Race, with the sole exceptions being that Race is intelligent, capable, grown-up, and pretty damned cool. Oh, I guess I should mention that Race’s cartoon was actually entertaining.

King Cobra’s Pick: Two hits. Race hits Brock. Brock hits pavement. (As for Venture Brothers fans, remember my rule: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Corollary: When in doubt, I’m right.).

Battle Four: Goofy Guys Trapped In A World They Never Made.
PHILLIP J. FRY vs ERIC FOREMAN

Two genial losers, two red windbreakers, two ridiculous combatants. Neither is any good in a fight, but both are equally deluded about that.

King Cobra’s Pick: Eric, through the power of ganja. After Eric does his “Bruce Lee” moves and Fry threatens to open “a box of Whuppas O Roni, The REAL San Francisco Treat,” they end up breaking out Eric’s weed stash and watching “Happy Days” reruns together, as Bender and Hyde trade barbs in the background.

Final Battle: British Spy Masters.
JAMES BOND vs NUMBER SIX

The central symbol of MI5 versus the ultimate outsider. Imagine James waking up in The Village, his usefulness to crown and country finished. Imagine Six’s paranoia firing up when someone who is actually his equal, perhaps superior, in cleverness and resourcefulness appears out of the blue. Is it a trap? Could this be another endless recursive loop of prison?

King Cobra’s Pick: Number Six. But not at first. James outsmarts him, outfights him, perhaps even outgimmicks him, but NOBODY outmaneuvers the man in the cricket blazer. Six allows James to seemingly defeat him, then follow the same path Number Six himself followed, discovering the secrets of the Village, searching for answers. When Bond and Six next meet, then James agrees to join Number Six’s quest for Number One. And heaven help anyone who tries to deter them…

That doesn’t even touch on crossovers like Fox Mulder/J’Onn J’Onnz…

Or Gil Grissom and Velma Dinkley…

Or perhaps even Popinjay/Nightcrawler…

Pop! ~teleports Nightcrawler away~
BAMF! ~Nightcrawler teleports back~
Pop!
BAMF!
Pop!
BAMF!
Pop!
BAMF!
Pop!
BAMF!
Pop!
BAMF!
Pop!
BAMF!
Pop!
BAMF!
Pop!
BAMF!

STOP DOING THAT!!!

2 thoughts on “I'm JUST Sayin'”

  1. Cobra you’re the biggest nerd ever

    that’s not to say i didn’t love this column, i was just stating the fact that you are. the column was hilarious.

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