One of the minor plot points of the movie Pulp Fiction, is that the wallet carried by Jules Winnfield is adorned with three powerful words…
Bad. Motha. Fucka.
In an ongoing attempt to fill the world with meaningless, yet ever so cool, drivel… I put before you the question:
Who Else is Qualified to Carry the Bad Mothafucka Wallet?
Without further ado, we bring you, The Lizard King’s BAD MOTHAFUCKA #99:
Bad Mothafucka #99: Croyd Crenson.
I hear a voice from the gallery… “WHO?”
To which I respond, “I never said this was gonna be mainstream, biotch!”
The Wild Cards novels were a shared universe experiment that grew out of a role-playing round. Superheroes as imagined by some of the finest Sci Fi minds around. And the powers were as bizarre as you might expect. Witness… The Sleeper.
Croyd Crenson was 8 years old the day the Takisian gene bomb went off… Jetboy had failed, and young Croyd’s world was about to change forever.
They call him The Sleeper, so named due to the nature of his power; whenever he falls asleep, his body changes into a new form. Usually, he sleeps for several weeks, and then awakens, sometimes staying continuously awake for several weeks.
The Sleeper has a new body each time he wakes, sometimes a monstrous “joker” form, othertimes superhuman powers, in the novel’s idiom, an ace. Due to the nature of his powers, the Sleeper fears sleep. He is terrified of eventually waking up in a hideous joker body that will either die before he sleeps again, or that won’t need to sleep at all. He pops pills constantly, and will usually turn into a ravening, paranoid maniac before crashing at the end of his waking period. What makes our Croyd Wallet-Worthy?
#1: Moral Ambiguity
Like Jules himself, Croyd trafficks on both sides of the law, equally. In his many appearances (Indeed, Croyd’s most impressive power is the ability to ALWAYS be where the action is, throughout the Wild Cards novels…), Croyd has shown that he is, at best, unpredictable. At worst, he’s a danger to life, limb, and the pursuit of loose women.
And like as not, he’ll end up fighting AGAINST the other characters, in a speed-induced haze.
One of Croyd most humanizing and endearing traits is his own self-knowledge. Though quite streetwise, he is not an intellectual. He knows this, and regrets. Often times, as he slides into a amphetamine-fueled haze, Croyd begins lamenting how he never learned Algebra, and how he wishes he had finished school…
This touch makes a bad mothafucka a real person, as well
Abolics, Amyl nitrite, Alpha-ET, Amidone, AMT, Fentanyl, Reds, Yellowjackets, Black Beuties, Barbies, Methcathinone, Batu, Bazooka, Mescaline, Dexmyl Spansules, Benzadrine, Black And Whites, Bombers, Blackbirds, Mollies, Blue Bullets, BOLIVIAN MARCHING POWDER, Brain ticklers, Hydrobromide, Brownies, Bumblebees, Dimethyltriptamine, Peyote, Cacti Joints, Cadillac Express, Cannabinol, Crystal Meth, PSILOCYBIN (WOOOO!), Chalk, Chicago Black, Chiefs, China Girl, Chinese Dragons, Chocolate Escobars, Christina, Isobutyl Nitrate, Coast To Coasts, Benzocaine, Crank, Mannitol, the Criddy, Crisco, Crisscross, Dimethyltriptamine, Double Cross, Ebombs, Eightballs, El DIABLOOOOOO, Embalming fluid, Fire Ups, Fives, Fizzies, Flat Chunks, 45 Minute Psychosis, French Blues, Fry Daddies, GHB, Methcathinone, Geezin a bit of dee gee, Glass guns, Grimmies, G SPOT TORNADO Half moons, Hearts, Hop hops, Horse heads, Ice, Idiot Pills, Inbetweens, INSTANT ZEN (OOOMMMMM.), Jackpots, Jam Cecils, Jellies, Jefferson Airplane, Jelly bean, Jelly baby, JET FUEL, Joy juice, Juan Valdez, Jugs, Ketamine, Kaleidascope, Kibbles And Bits, Knuckle Sammiches, LA Glass, Lidflippers, Lightning, Alpha-Ethyltyptamine, MDMA, Marathons, Mary and Johnny, Modams, Monkey Tranks, MOOON, Morotgara, Murder 9, SHROOOOOMS, New Jack Swing, Nitro, Nix, Oranges, Owsley’s Acid, P-Funk, Pakalolo, Paki Black, Pangondalot, Peaches, Peanut, Pearly Gates, Pee Wee, PHAT RAILS, Piedras, Proviron,
Pure love, Quads, Quicksilver, Quinolone, Racehorse charlie, Ragweed, Red Devils, Reeksticks, Regular P, Road Dope, rocket Caps, Rocket Fuel, Roples, Ruffles, Russian Sickles, Sative, Scuffle, Seggy, Sernyl, Seven Up, Shaman, Shighty, THE MIGHTY MIGHTY LEMUR, Shotguns, Sightballs, Skids, Skeeball, SLICK SUPERSPEED Smack, Smoochywoochypoochy, Smoked Oysters, Snop, Snappers, Snowballs, Snow White, Speedboats, Special K, Spider Blue, Square Time Bob, Stat, Strawberry Fields, Takkouri, T-Buzz, Teardrops, Teddy Bears, Thai Stick, THC, Thrusters, Tic Tacs, Toncho, Torpedoes, TR-6’s, Turnabout, Twistums, Uzi, V, Valley Dolls, Viper’s Weed, Speedballs, Waffles, Wedding Bells, Wake Ups, Whack, White Cloud, White Cross, Wildcats, Wiches, Winstrol, WONDER STAR, yellow bam, MDMA, Yellow Sunshine, Yen Pop, Yen Shee Suey, Zacatecas PURRRPLE, Zambi, Zen, Zeroes, Zoomers, Neutron Bombs.
Drugs’re bad, mmmkay?
Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…. Bad MothaFucka #99.
(Next Time: You keep saying that… I do not think that word means what you think it means… )