Profiles in Bastardry: Election Edition

There are many virtues that the powerful and mighty encompass. Some have charisma. Some have bravery. Some have compassion. But very so often, you find people who encompass the greatest of all possible attributes: Bastardry.

Welcome to my first ever article on this oft-overlooked virtue. Now, enjoy, “Profiles in Bastardry.”

Profiles in Bastardry: Missouri
Michael J. Fox vs. Rush Limbaugh, or, “How dare you play with people’s emotions. Now here’s Jesus.”

Claire McCaskill and Jim Talent are in a dead heat in the senate race in Missouri. Claire has slowly been clawing her way up, making this race the quintessential “photo finish” of all races. Jim Talent is an American hero, a tweedy looking little nerd who beat a widow in a special election. So this election should be a cakewalk for him, given Missouri’s past.

But things change. One of the four pegs that hold the whole right-wing circus inside it’s blood-red tent is the righteous indignation it has toward procreation rights and stem cell research. Because every human life is precious (unless it is impoverished, then fuck it). Never mind that Jenna Bush has probably eight times as many abortions than Chelsea Clinton. It’s bad. And so is making it productive.

Being a pro-lifer, I don’t care for abortion. I quite honestly think it’s a rather barbaric and murderous act. But I also am not a fifteen year old pregnant girl, so what the fuck do I know? So I figure, if it’s going to happen, the unborn might as well work to the benefit of human kind (and wouldn’t Jesus take them in, anyway? No sin, right?) . So I am a pro-life guy who supports stem-cell research. I also support financial aid to impoverished children. And an education system that keeps children from ending up with no other options than to go kill brown people. So I go for the closest thing this country has to a pro-life party, and cast my votes there, with the Democrats.

Anyway, there’s a very real human side to stem cell research. Michael J. Fox, who has made ads for Republican Arlen Specter (more on this later) and other candidates who support stem sell research, decided to help Claire McCaskill with an ad that featured the very real effects of the medication that is used to combat the disease.

Damn him!

Luckily, impotent, corpulent, deaf drug addict Rush Limbaugh was there to teach this terminally ill man, who was obviously a secular gun-hating fag from Hollywood, who was boss.

Oh Rush’s radio show, he made this statement regarding Fox:  “He is moving all around, and shaking, and it’s purely an act.” (Accompanied by, among other things, a video of Rush Limbaugh shaking and moving all around. And jiggling, because he’s a tubby porker).
Now, Rush Limbaugh is no Bill Frist. He has no history of being able to diagnose somebody from miles away. Rush’s position went from “purely an act” to him “not taking his medication” to him “overmedicating himself” (as Limbaugh is known to do from time to time).

Michael Fox responded with class. He simply said that it’s not easy for somebody who doesn’t have the disease to really assess it. Which is much nicer than saying, “screw you, you fat, pill-popping loser.” Limbaugh offered several non-apologies. So how would Republicans bounce back from their former war horse attacking a terminally ill man for showing symptoms of the disease stem cell research could combat?

By pimping Jesus, duh.

In a campaign commercial in Missouri, the bad actor who badly played Jesus in a bad movie joins some guys who play children’s games for a living and the cunt from Everybody Loves Raymond to decry stem cell research (making points like, ‘it will take fifteen years for results,’ so as John Stewart put it, why start?). The breadth in which the makers of the ad miss the message of Fox’s ad is amazing. Fox was not used because he is a celebrity. He was used because he is who stem cell research might help.

Okay, so throwing Jim Caviezel and other douchebags in there to combat him shows that they don’t understand that basic principle. Then the committee behind the ad do something they often complain that Democrats do: us an unassailable figure to push their agenda. In this case, the same one they’ve been using for years: Jesus fucking Christ.

Jim Caviezel spouts out some Aramaic from Mel Gibson’s snuff film, to remind you that he played Jesus, and that Jesus would approve of what he’s saying. Something that shameless actually makes me want to watch the movie, so I can see this man beaten to a pulp. Caviezel knows who paid to see him die so many times, he knows where his bread is buttered. As he sings for his supper, hoping that he’s not relegated to golf movies after the success of said snuff film, he calls for Christians to ensure the slow, agonizing death of people like Michael J. Fox, not just for the next fifteen years, but forever.

Also, is it just me, or should a bunch of fruits who stick steroid needles in their asses to help them play a game not be taken seriously when they start to talk about the merits of medical research?

Profiles in Bastardry: Tennessee
Corker vs. Ford, or, “It’s me or the n*****r, Tennessee!”

You know, the south doesn’t have a lot to be proud about. Anyone who’s grown up in the south knows there’s not a lot to do here. You can either stand around and sweat, or possibly go visit an elderly woman relative who has more ceramic Jesus figurines than teeth. Needless to say, the south is an unpleasant place, made worse by its unpleasant tendencies (most Civil War reenactors come from the South).

One unfortunate tendency, which has predominated the South since it’s inception and continues, ever so quietly, today, is its deep animosity toward African Americans. Which, to me, makes about as much sense as a man in tight shoes being angry at his shoehorn. Sure, the shoehorn may be somewhat responsible for the man’s dire straights. But he must remember that he picked up the shoehorn (black people) from it’s drawer (read, Africa) to help force his foot (the south) into his undersized shoe (read: an agrarian economy driven by free, torture-induced labor). Now he has to deal with the long-term consequences of his choice. Damn that shoehorn for being used!

Which brings me to Harold Ford, who is running for senate. He’s single, handsome, young, and black, with a cool-sounding name. In short, he’s everything the man he’s replacing, Bill Frist, is not. He’s running in Tennessee. Ever heard of Tennessee?

Tennessee is famous for many things, and not just how horrible it is there. No, there are places like Nashville, where circus-bear killing country acts like Montgomery Gentry are born. There are also places like the Grand Old Opry (note the gross misspelling of the last word; a sad reminder of the health of public education in the Volunteer state). It is also famous for (note to editor: insert something interesting about Tennessee here, I have’t been able to find anything else).

But with all it has going for it, Tennessee could break the mold in another way, a way that requires no steel guitars or washboards. It could be the first state in the south to elect a black senator. Imagine the progressive symbolism of thousands of Tennessee farmers, taking a break from molesting their daughters to go vote in the first black man ever, in the south, to become a senator since the situation became possible roughly 130 years ago.

He’s running against Bob Corker, who would be roughly the 1,453 honky bastard from the south to hold a senate seat (though, to be fair, that number includes those from before as well as after 1865).

So how would a run-of-the-mill schmo like Corker stand up to Ford? Would it be by showing signs of some great initiative that would finally bring Tennessee into the seventeenth century? Would it be by making a promise to improve the lives of the downtrodden and wanting? Would it be by setting a plan in motion to strengthen the state, and make it a glorious paradise on earth? Would any of these options be what Republicans in Tennessee would use to rile up the masses?

Almost. But instead they called Ford a n****r.

Not literally, of course. You can’t call somebody a n****r in politics anymore (calling them a macaca is fine until Virginia says different). But there are other ways.

Ford does have a few little quirks that sexless conservatives might feel like harping upon. He’s been to a “Playboy Party” (or, as read by the swaths of Amy Grant fans that make up Bill Frist’s old supporters, something that sounded suspiciously like a sexually gratifying orgy). Perhaps going to a party of this sort isn’t entirely seemly, but any single man would relish the chance to rub elbows in the company of beautiful women (save for Mark Foley, who would prefer masturbating boys).

Okay, fair enough. So Ford is human and wants to have sex with beautiful women. Big deal. I can see them doing an ad about that. So what you get is this: after B-list actors rattle off charges about Tennessee values (while saying nothing about fucking your cousin) and how Ford has abandoned them. Then this:

A ditzy, semi-nude white woman winking at the camera and asking Ford to call her.

Never mind that it was sleazy, and the production quality was solidly bush-league. The subtext was pretty obvious: a vote for Harold Ford was a vote for miscegnenation. Ford, a blacky Mcblackerson, was threatening to go canoodling with the white virgin flower of Tennessee, as he had at the “Playboy party.”

Of course, the boob Republican had no idea the ad was going to come out, and when the negative backlash started, “pleaded” for the ad to be pulled. It kind of wasn’t. But luckily, another ad was ready; this one showed images of Ford backed up by the beating of tribal drums.

So not only might Ford deflower the virtuous white women of Tennessee, he might also eat them or sacrifice them to his voodoo gods. Please. Well, it’s lucky for us that people in Tennessee are too smart to be swayed by such tactics.

Corker’s lead over Ford is growing.

Fuck Tennessee.

Profiles in Bastardry: Virginia
“Welcome to America!”

Okay. Not a lot to say here.

George Allen is running for reelection, with eyes on the presidency. All while brazenly using a racial slur on a man who was born in Virginia (unlike Allen himself, who was born in California). He’s also praised the Confederacy, and has been noted for dropping racial slurs around his friends. He’s also trailing in the most recent Virginia polls.

Maybe he should run in Tennessee.

Profiles in Bastardry: Florida
The proverbial fox in the henhouse, who asked eggs how they jerked off and then bought them dinner.

Mark Foley. Is there anything really left to say? You could almost feel sorry for the guy. Then you remember that he was quite vocal in his defense of children against online predators, like chairing a committee on it in a very visible way, and you realize he was as full of shit as the rest of them.
So you just prop your feet up and watch him burn, and fully enjoy yourself.

Bonus Observation: “Jesus wants you to vote for me, now check out my tits.”

Katherine Harris. A living punch line to the least funny joke of all time. The woman who may be indirectly responsible for the deaths of at least 6,000 Americans. She wants to be a senator from Florida. And she says she’s going to win. Never mind she’s down in the polls by somewhere around the area of twenty points. She knows how to steal an election. God, does she ever know.

Katherine knows other things, too. Like standing sideways during an interview to show off her boobs.

But beyond that, she also believes that separation of church and state is a fallacy. Great, Katie. Go to the churches and tell them to make out a check for two hundred and thirty years of back taxes.

Now, I know what yo’re saying. What about the boobs again? Well, I say get a life.
Just kidding. Here’s more of Katherine McJesus being classy.

Alright, well, it’s five days until the election. Have fun.

Shut up and Listen: Repent, dear King, or go to Hell. *

Arkansas is a religious state. Okay, not the religious state like islamic countries… we’ve just got more than our fair share of pious folks walking around. And pious folks are raised believing that they are right, and everyone else is wrong.

As a youth growing up here, I was lucky enough to learn early on that chances are, I was wrong about everything. I was what they called a doubter. I doubted my religion, my goverment, my relationships, everything. I guess you could say it was a case of “paranoia, paranoia, everybody’s comin’ to get me” or something. Everything was a little hard to trust.

As a recovering Baptist, I tend to look at religion with a very speculative eye. I’m seeing a disturbing new trend: the posibility of strong religions beliefs leading some to take a political stance, and for those who take this stance to welcome socially counterproductive ideas as their own as a means to show contempt to the “godless”.

The liberal world-IE, the world where all people are considered equals, and no special priveledges are awarded to people based on class or race or gender, there is a strong move for equality. The ten commandments and prayer disappear from school and courtrooms, and it is seen as a blatant attack. So what? Sew buttons.

The Republican party, and therefore 75 of all Christians, were bought out long ago by companies that have sub-par environmental policies. So now, if you love Jesus, you support deforestation and global warming. And despite the impending death of everything on our planet, there are darker intonations. I have my own private qualms with the Republican party, so I won’t go into that. But is the liberal “academic” movement… much maligned by the religious… leading them to embrace hatred?

Today in my course on the Rhetoric and Theory of Composition, we were given a passage written by a student who had a lot to say about Black History month. The following is quoted as best I can remember.

“Black history month… makes me sick. All black people do is cry and whine about crap. They whine about racism, they are the racists. White people have done as much to get blacks their rights as black people, why isn’t there a white history month?”

(…where did the rights go to begin with, Sherlock?)

“…we should have WET. How come black people get their own station? How come rap is a black thing? I guess that means everything white people do is a white thing.”

We were asked how we would respond to getting such a paper from a student. Silence filled the room for about two minutes, until a few people offered some meager suggestions, including myself (tell him to back up his argument rather than using inflammatory comments). However, the professor, an outspoken woman who never shies away from anything, let us know what she had done: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The sad thing was that I know who wrote this. I recognized one of the jokes he made early on. He’s an aquaintance of mine. A fastidious conservative. God is his co-pilot.

We live in a culture where people scream at each other. “Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them” and “How to talk like a Liberal if you Have To” (or something like that) are both books that sold like hotcakes. Both showcase a blatant contempt for the other side, a rejection of all they stand for. Are people really lining themselves up like this in this country? If I support environmental regulations, to I necessarily HAVE to support abortion as well? If I oppose gay marriage, must I also support Social Security Privatization? In a free country, should I have to slice away what I believe to fit with the one that is least likely to screw me over?

Two of the biggest movies of the past year were “The Passion of the Christ” and “Farenheight 9/11”. Both were polarizing, both featured bloody violence. “Passion” easily outgrossed “9/11”, as should be expected. But anyone who’s seen Passion (or anyone for that matter) it can attest to the fact that it’s a more than a little strange to watch a man be murdered over two hours. To paraphrase Marv, “I just know it’s pretty wierd to beat people.”

Some Christians harbor a contempt for other religions, based on one of the early commandments, and it comes out in their sermons. “If you’re a winner or a sinner, a nudist or a Buddhist,” was the refraim in the last sermon I went to, and every time it was spoken, a low, reptilian chuckle ran through the crowd. Equating a widely held belief that stresses deep thought with walking around in the nude? How respectful. Then again, when a religion doesn’t have enough respect for its base teachings (love thy neighbor, peace) to follow them, it can’t really be expected to coexist with anything else.

We really must seperate religious ideology from politics. We’ve seen, several times in our waking lives (and even in Sin City) that people who tout their faith are rarely as faithful as they’d have people believe, and rarely have the best intentions in the forefront of their minds.

But at the same time, Liberal all-inclusiveness and white male bashing have driven people to fall to the feet of malicious liars, and follow them to the ends of the earth, with contempt and outrage burning in their hearts. Liberals, no less militaristic, have met them across a national bloodpool, and we have a country almost evenly split in two, or from a red-blue point of view, a hemorage of outrage held in check by three tattered strips clingin to the outer edges.

Opinion is formed in the early stages of life. It is my concern that Christians who accept the George W. Bush mindset as the mindset of Jesus Christ will teach their children to reject other cultures and existentialism, and instead lead them to lives of piety and quiet labor. At the same time, I fear a world full of P.C. hippie police, forcing me to celebrate Kwanzaa.

Faith and Paranioa dictate everything we do. Both sides of this country are caught in a game of one-upsmanship. We are more evenly divided than we were in the age of the Civil War. So what can be done? How can academics learn to preach their message in a way that does not outrage the faithful? How can the faithful learn not to snap at the hand that tries to feed them new ways of thinking and insight?

I don’t know the answer, but I bet it’s most… most interesting.
* Name the quote.

Brent Bozell, Dickless Wonder

L. Brent Bozell III. Perhaps you’ve heard the name? At one point, this red-haired, bow-tie wearing fella was riding high in his assaults against the WWF (Not the World Wildlife fund, although there’s a good chance he’s against that too), garnering a lot of attention for decrying the sexual content and language of the show. He’s bitched like none other, filing 99.8% of all complaints to the FCC. Luckily for us, this loud-mouth has kept his gestapo-esque opinions to himself, and kept his hyper-religious reindeer games to himself.

Oh, if only that were so.

During (and after) the 2004 elections, Bozell dove into the mix, endorsing Bush and “exposing” “liberal” “slants” in the “media”. But going back… in 2000, he slammed McCaine, the more “moderate” Republican, endorsing the take-no-prisoners, “My way or go fuck yourself” Bush Cheney ticket. Well, good for him. Angry white bloggers just don’t get the job done sometimes. Bozell’s bitching helped boost his own popularity, and who knows… maybe got his column in a few more papers. But look out! Bozell’s breaking all the rules… even his own!

“Notice how PBS would rather not have “this kind of debate,” a debate about bias. They just want their billions from the government, and save the bias debate for someone who gives a damn.”


Not only that, but consider this exchange between him and Paul Waldman (Editor of the Gadflyer

WALDMAN: He didn’t accuse any individuals of anything.

BOZELL: You’re a liar!

WALDMAN: He never accused those guys of anything.

BOZELL: John Kerry is a liar, and you’re a liar!

WALDMAN: What are you talking about?

BOZELL: Fuck you!

Heavens! Well, thank god no cameras were on you, Brent. Then again, I guess hypocrisy really isn’t that big a problem for you. Just titties and cuss words.

Really now… do we seriously require yet another stuff-shirt, unfunny, dickless conservative douche who spends his time (the time most people devote to either work, having sex, or watching one of these shows Bozell hates) trying to tell us what we can and cannot do? One was enough, but we’ve had dozens this century.

Bozell is a bland, boring addition to the Conservative movement; not as attractive as the Bush twins, not as articulate as Zell Miller, not as well endowed as Anne Coulter. But he’s a noisy bland, boring addition, endlessly droning his message of bland, un-fun entertainment, liberal-bashing, and various other repetitive crap we’ve all heard a hundred times before. Bozell has led a coalition to destroy PBS for it’s political bias (ie, tolerance to all people), yet has left Fox News unscathed. Why is this?

Well, Bozell is a pedigreed socialite, rich and fiercely religious (at least for the cameras) figurehead of the PTC, and columnist for the Media Research Center (a very official sounding name for several megabytes of conservative horseshit-Bozell likes that word too). He has five children, which is sad for Brent, because this means that his wife is probably cheating on him. That is, of course, unless he’s somehow found the ability to have sex without a penis.

But I digress, to a topic that people might actually want me to prove (unless some wierd soul wants to see Bozell without pants): that Brent Bozell III is a radical, condescending fascist with no respect for anyone else, be they supporters or detractors.

Go here:

Note at the top of the page: The Top 10 Best and Worst shows for YOUR Family. Because we all know every family is alike, and that they’ll love shows about, oh… wholesome white families. Except for that black family he tacked on at the end… you know, where the father figure makes fun of one of the children for being a possible homosexual. But this is okay… Bozell manages one minority family amid his boring wholesome family show collections, last year he gave some airtime to the Mexicans in the form of George Lopez. Look it up!

Speaking of which, scroll down a little more. Bozell takes it to the fags by attacking Will and Grace. Despite the fact that the banter is tame compared to a lot of other sitcoms that have come and gone (where the hell is the Simple Life on these lists?), this show has maintained a place on the list since it began. Bozell can beat around the bush all he wants, but his columns at the Media Research Center show that the man has a serious issue with homosexuals. Which is usually a defense mechanism for men with serious sexual repression issues. My guess is that either Bozell was called gay while growing up (How could that happen?*) or knows how precarious his position is, and can’t admit to it, or that he hates seeing potential heterosexual penises being used in this fashion. Borne of penis envy, perhaps.

Bozell, despite his strange “Salem 1600s” style of tolerance, states in a column…

“I was preparing for a recent interview on a national newscast the other night when the reporter asked me off-air if it was correct to label the Parents Television Council, which I founded and head, a “conservative” group. Next he asked: With which religious movement was the PTC affiliated? When I answered No and None, he seemed genuinely perplexed…
…my personal ideological perspective on things political is no secret, and it is to be expected that the connection would be made.”

NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK. A man who wastes money he could be donating to the poor (which is an idea I think might have been in the Bible at some point) doing things like this…

…just might have a conservative bias. How much did it cost to get Charlie Daniels to play at your bitch-fest? Didn’t he have some biscuits and gravy to eat somewhere? To all those chic young male Republicans: Keep in mind that when you grow up, your life of personal repression and closemindedness will leave you either a douche in a bow tie with a bad haircut, or a morbidly obese old man with a fiddle. Either way, you probably won’t be able to see your dick.

I tend to treat religion, sexuality and politics the same way: learn to express your opinions in a meaningful manner, and give respect where respect is due. Which, I figure, is a lot better than becoming a media terrorist with delusions of destroying the institution of free speech and instilling Radical Christian Doctrine on a nation that was built on the institutions of Freedom and Liberty (hey, using those concepts to make a point is fun!). It’s not up to the networks to raise children. And it sure as hell isn’t up to Brent Bozell. The sooner he realizes that some people are smart enough to make their own decisions and have the discipline to keep pasty douchebags like himself out of their family member’s lives, the better. So Bozell, do us all a favor. Shut your fucking mouth and get a real job.

* Here’s an idea:

Shut up and Listen: A column at gunpoint

Howdy folks, it’s Bryan Bishop. Well, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. “Howdy” wouldnt’ be fair to the people who consistantly read my column… I’m more popular in blue states and England. So scrap the howdy.

I was sitting at my desk, dozing in an out of sleep, occassionally waking to try and beat my pinball score, when Jeff Martin walked in, and began brandishing a gun at me. He’d been drinking heavily, as I could tell by the beer bottle he’d stuffed down the front of his chaps. Yes, chaps. His team had won at the rodeo, and afterward, it appeared he’d been making rather merry. On his stumbling walk back to his apartment, he’d broken into someone’s apartment to check his email, and seen I had not written my column. Needless to say, the furious Canadian made tracks to my dwelling…

So here we are. To quote the wierd Nazi guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark… what shall we talk about?

How about sampling?

A few years ago, Will Smith (a character actor who’s had a few minor roles in a few films) came out with an album. Yes, the man behind “Willenium” and “Wild Wild West” decided to give us another hit, this one “Miami”. You know.

“Party in the city when the heat is on!
All night on the beach ’til the break of dawn!
I’m goin’ to Miami… anna me o maggi aggi!”

Or something like that. Well, the song, like most music nowadays, featured… sampling. When some talentless yahoo needs to make a quick buck, he samples a song done by artists, shouts during it, and sells it. You can see this everywhere… Eminem totally raping Aerosmith’s “Dream On”, Piff Doobie or whatever you call him now DESTROYING “I’ll be Watching You” by the Police… but I have to thank Will Smith.

The song he samples is “And the Beat goes on” by Whispers, which contains one of the COOLEST backbeats in the history of cool backbeats, not to mention some okay lyrics (better than Will Smith wheezing like a pervert over the women of Miami, that’s for sure.

That’s why I’m inviting you to do me a favor. I want you to find the following songs, and compare them to the (real) music, which they sampled and totally screwed up.

“Miami” by Will Smith / “And the Beat goes On” by Whispers

“I’ll be Missing You” by Puff Daddy / “I’ll be Watching You” by the Police

“Out of Touch Techno remix by some asshole” / “Out of Touch” by Hall and Oates

“Men in Black” by Will Smith/ “Forget me Nots” by La Bouche

There, that should be enough. I’d seriously have more, but… yeah, Jeff’s getting antsy. Better keep moving.

I really don’t believe in structure, and this week has been a little rough, so I’m going to keep up this theme of music, since I’m on it. In fact… let me make a suggestion for your listening pleasure. And what’s the best way to do this? Why, plugging a CD of course. And best of all, these guys don’t sample… they make real music. The sort of stuff that rappers will be sampling years from now.

“Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots” by the Flaming Lips came out in 2001 (or 2002, I dunno). The band is mildly successful, with a distinct sound that dooms them to obscurity in these days of crappy, manufactured rap or pop. (Drop it like it’s Hoooot, Drop it like it’s hoooot….). You probably best remember them (if you never picked up this CD) as the band that played “Bad Days” on the Batman Forever Soundtrack.

“Yoshimi” is an album that grows on you. I use iTunes, and futiley rate each song as I listen to it… most of the songs on this CD I’ve listened to 30 to 40 times in a little over a month, in addition to rating them during a spate of boredom. Check out these facts on the album:

Track One: Fight Test
Personal Plays: 38
Ranking: *****

A mellow batttle song if there ever was one. Forceful, strange, and wonderful. I suppose this tells the story of a young man who backed out of tough decisions, until there were no more decisions to back away from, and he realized he’d wasted everything. The last line… “The Test is Over… F.” says it all.

Track Two: One more Robot/ Sympathy 3000-21
Personal Plays: 42
Ranking: *****

Beautiful, eerie, transluscent in meaning. On the surface, it’s the story of a robot slowly becoming human. But beyond that, it speaks volumes on the nature of humanity itself.

Track Three: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (1)
Personal plays: 30
Ranking: ****

The name says it all.

Track Four: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (2)
Personal plays: 30
Ranking: **

An instrumental that just comes across as dorky and screechy. But better stuff is on the way…

Track Five: In the Morning of Magicians
Personal Plays: 30
Ranking: *****

An epic, to say the least. Not sure what its about (I don’t think it fits into the “concept album” handbag), but it’s definitely telling a story that is absolutely glorious. “In the morning I’m awake, and I could not remember/what is love and what is hate? The calculations entered…”

Track Six: Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell
Personal Plays: 28
Ranking: ***

Slow, sexy, driving… not up to par with the song before it or after it, but still a hella cool song to play while driving around. Although a little wimpy at times.

Track Seven: Are you a Hypnotist?
Personal Plays: 41
Ranking: *****

A song about enigmatic people who play games with those of us who are paying them attention. Something wonderful, clouded.

Track Eight: It’s Summertime (Orange Throbbing Pallbearers)
Personal Plays: 41
Ranking: *****

Originally, my least favorite track on the album, now one of my most favorite songs ever. It’s a beautiful ballad about grief during a happy season… very close to heartbreaking.

Track Nine: Do you Realize?
Personal Plays: 33
Ranking: ***

A little hokey for my taste… but still beautiful to listen to, if not to think about.

Track Ten: All we Have is Now
Personal Plays: 32
Ranking: ****

A really cool song, about a man who is visited by himself… from the future. He learns his time is limited, and that all he has with the people he loves around him is… now.

Track Eleven: Approaching Pavonis Mons by Balloon
Personal Plays: 32
Ranking: ****

An instrumental to end things… a really cool, “we kicked ass” sort of feel to it. Definitely check this track out… you won’t be disappointed.

Well, while I await my free Flaming Lips memorabilia, it appears Jeff Martin has passed out. I’ll take this opportunity to sneak out before he wakes up… but let me leave you with a few passing words of wisdom….

“Drop it. Like it’s Hot.”
-Snoop Dogg

Shut up and Listen…Bishop's Movie Article

Like a serial rapist, 2005 is upon us. And that’s a good thing, I think, especially movie wise. 2004 gave up some decent films, but for the most part, it was a series of good-but-not-great sequels like the Bourne Supremacy or Spiderman 2 (bite my piece off for that one if you have to), straight up awful sequels like Shrek 2 and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and warmed-over movies that featured such familiar sights as Will Smith saying “Oh Hell No.” 2005 is overing us… well, it’s a mixed bag. I will not introduce to you my top five most anticipated movies… one’s I’ll probably be in there opening day for… as well as a few I think are going to hit the ground like a bag of war cow farts thrown from the Empire State Building.



What can I say? Everything I’ve seen regarding this movie so far has blown me away. They’ve assembled some great actors (as well as Jessica Alba in buttless chaps, which is something I thought I’d never see) in three tales straight out of the Frank Miller series of the same name… the original “Sin City”, as well as “That Yellow Bastard” and “The Big Fat Kill”. What gets me is the atmospherics of what I’ve seen… how every character lives in the person who plays them. Particularly from what I’ve seen, Mickey Rourke (as Marv) is supposed to take us in, but it’s the hard-jawed good-guy personality of Clive Owen (as Dwight) seems the most outstanding. Bruce Willis hasn’t stood out in anything I’ve seen in the previews (which I’ve watched a retarded number of times), but I’ve learned never to doubt him. Also, we’ve got Benicio Del Torro as Jackie Boy, Nick Stahl (yeah, I dunno who he is either) playing the Yellow Bastard, and Elijah Wood as a serial killer cannibal. Interested yet?


Batman’s cool. Anybody who can go from gay-ass pedophile in the 60’s to the murderous avenger of the night (and back if you’ve seen Batman and Robin) is cool in my eyes. After Schumacher treated the franchise like a Vice City hooker, I couldn’t help but feel depsondent. BUT THEN… BAM. We get the guy behind Memento and Insomnia to tackle this franchise…. to bring in Ra’as Al Ghul (most unappreciated Batman villian… ever) into the fray, plus the Scarecrow. But what gets me is this CAST…. this is a really amazing cast! Gary Oldman? GARY OLDMAN. Yeah, that’s right. Plus Katie Holmes, which is never terrible.


Peter Jackson is a hairy, sweaty, fat man. But he can make a mean movie. And when this filthy, rotund little mutant releases King Kong, I’ll be there. Know why? Because the man can truly turn fantasy into reality… and keep it so the average viewer can tell what’s going on. Can’t wait.


Night of the Living Dead is still the scariest movie I’ve ever seen. And Dawn of the Dead sometimes gives me messed up dreams. I’ve looked forward to this guy’s next entry, and from what I’ve heard, this is going to be a movie that will do things with this genre never thought possible.


I don’t care if the name’s retarded as the children of a imbred alchoholics who live under power lines. I want to see it. I dont’ give a damn what you think.


Steve Correll playing Richard Kane. Simply awesome.


TWO mothereffin’ Tim Burton movies in ONE YEAR. What the hell did we do to deserve this? And both star Johnny Depp. I’ll admit the Charlie trailer did very little for me with its wierd wierdness, but that won’t keep me out of the theater. And Corpse Bride… well, I just have to see a major motion picture with THAT title, don’t I?


Hey, remember putting that towel over your TV? Man, what a dork. Still, I’d like to see how they expand on this idea. Very curious about this one.


I don’t know why this is on here. They’ve disappointed me time and time again.


Would be higher if the trailer didn’t blow like Paris Hilton after five hits of ecstacy. I have faith in that neutered old wiener Speilberg, and figure this’ll either be Jurassic Park or, at the very worst, A.I. Which is pretty damn bad.



If I wanted to see bald men who appear to have down’s syndrome change baby’s diapers, I’d… I’d… well, why would I want to see that anyway? Why would ANYBODY want to see that? And why would anybody want to see this? Vin Diesel just sucks. I’m very sorry, but… I can’t think of anything to say that would spell it out any clearer. The fact movies like this get made gives me nightmares.


Yes, this is what we needed. A sequel to a movie that’s already as dated as a Duran Duran remix by fatboy slim. Not only didn’t they get any of the original stars yet, but they’ve decided to give us what the public has been asking for for as long as I can remember… TALKING DANCING BABIES! Awesome! This will be the best sequel since Baby Geniuses 2! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get a hot poker and Edward the Second myself.

3. XXX 2

Hint: If Vin Diesel wouldn’t do the sequel in your franchise, your franchise sucks ass. See Fast and the Furious.


Yes, there’s been a loud outcry for as long as I can remember for this movie. People just wanted to see a 50’s sitcom made into a movie. I mean, after the runaway success of Leave it to Beaver and Rocky and Bullwinkle, can Perfect Strangers be far behind?


Hey, Disney! Remember when you closed your animation departments to do computer animation? That was stupid. Let Pixar do what they’re good at. And don’t make your animators pay for your own sorry-ass business decisions.


Oooh, Jennifer Lopez in a comedy. Can’t you just smell it already? Wait, that’s just J-Lo.

7. SAW 2

You know, I hate movies that mess up my perception of the original. But Saw was such a blazing, fly-covered piece of crap that this can only improve things. No Cary Euwels please. If I want to see bad acting, I’ll go have sex.


Ah, Lindsay Lohan, she of the fake boobs and…


…Disney contracts suck a Persian dick, don’t they?


Think Saw 2, but worse. Rob Zombie should not be allowed near any technology, ever. And Diamond Dallas Page? STARRING? Let me point you to “Ready to Rumble” to give you some idea of how bad of an idea this is.


I think they’re sort of gay… “Flame On!”… but I was willing to give them a chance, until the trailer gave me Catwoman vibes. Ouch. Here’s an idea, when you do a trailer with music, use COOL MUSIC. People might see your movie, then.

Well, that’s enough out of my ass. Enjoy the damn article.


Merry Mas!

You may have noticed something on your daily walks. Or drives. Whatever, you know what I’m talking about. You may have noticed there’s a sudden influx-yeah, that’s right, influx-of people saying “Happy Holidays!” instead of “Merry Christmas!” Everywhere you look-“Happy Holidays!” Now, right-wingers, who as we all know, never scream or complain about anything that doesn’t matter, have begun taking offense to this. The popular story is that liberals are trying to take the “Christ” out of Christmas.

What can I say? You got us.

We’ve been doing it for a while. Just wait until you see what we’ve got planned for Easter. And Palm Sunday? Free Foam Hands. Yep, we’re gonna de-Jesusfy this whole nation, starting with Christmas. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Democracy’s a bitch, ain’t it? If only England had won the Revolutionary war, we’d still be under divine mandate (i.e., what Righties want) and everything would be okay, because you could do whatever you wanted in the name of Jesus. Well too bad, suckers!

Now, the question that must be asked is, “why on earth are liberals trying to de-Jesus Christmas?” Well, I’m here to offer a few ideas on the subject.

1. Political correctness. Yeah, you heard me. It’s not politically correct to push one holiday over the others. Chaunnukah (spelling? wrong), Ramadan, and god help us, Kwanzaa (those crazy negroes!) all fall around this time of the year. Not to mention the non-secular New Years and Thanksgiving (and boxing day, if you’re Canadian). By just saying “Happy Holidays”, imagine all the money and time you spend on signs! Not only is it politically correct, I daresay it’s fiscally responsible!

2. A Tradeoff. Yeah. Remember that thing that happened a month and a half ago where a bunch of religious crazies voted to ban gay marriage and re-elected The Idiot Who Shall not be Named? Well, it’s payback time. We don’t get our gay marriage, you don’t get your Jesusy Christmas. Now everybody’s pissed off and nobody’s happy. Except me, because I’m a sadist.

3. Because Jesus would have wanted it that way! Think about it, folks! Jesus was a humble guy. Does he really want everybody going nuts on his birthday, when there’s a perfectly fine, obese fake man that could get some of the attention? I know nobody celebrates my birthday that much (February 27, have gifts ready). I’ll tell you one thing: give me Jesus’s powers, and I promise you a lot better than loaves and fishes. Imagine this: all the hotpockets you could want. And no water into wine. Nobody’s going to get laid drinking wine. Let’s try water into Jack! Now we’re cookin’ with gas!

4. Because it helps the environment. Okay, that one I just made up.

5. Because we just want to piss off Conservatives. Let’s face it, you guys deserve it. You took the snow owls out of our forests? Well eat a hot dose of commercialism and nondescript greetings! Yeah, you heard me! No Jesus at Christmastime! Go watch some lame Christian movie like “The Passion of the Christ” or “Christmas with the Kranks”* or something.

6. It doesn’t matter. A greeting is a greeting, and if you need this much Jesus, just go blow your brains out with one of those numerous hunting rifles you own and see him personally.

Anyway, Merry Mas everybody! May all God’s/Yahweh’s/Buddah’s/Allah’s/Aton’s/Satan’s/Kali’s/Shiva’s/Vishnu’s/Bruce Cambell’s/Nobody’s blessings be upon you!

*Actual fact: due to a positive vote from the 700 Club, “Christmas with the Cranks” is a minor hit. Proving that no matter how crappy something is, if you slap something Jesusy on it, Christians will chow down like dingos in a maternity ward.

Tales from the Bishop: Put 'em on the Corner

Dear Entertainment Industry

Stop letting retarded skanks get famous. Seriously, it’s grating on the nerves to be an intelligent person in a world where stupidity, jackassery, and assholery are touted as genuinely positive qualities. I turn on the television, and what do I see? Paris Hilton, failing to make onion rings on the Simple Life, while waiting for a chance to show her cooch to somebody. Ashlee Simpson, cowardly leaving her band when she’s caught with her head up her ass, then blaming the professionals… who dealt with the cards they were diven by playing pretty damn well… for her own dishonesty. Tara Reid, taking twenty minutes to realize one of her revolting, surgery-scarred fake knockers is hanging out for all the world to see. That slut Dick Cheyney telling people to go fuck themselves. These are the people you idolize, the people you push on a world full of impressionable children… why?

Hell, there’s smart people out there. I know there are, I watch late night television. (Incidentally, I also know that if you get “Girl Power” free with “America Uncovered”, because that commercial is everywhere, even on the Church Channel). I see their handiwork on cable television… you show me the genius who wrote “We’ll eat like dingos in a maternity ward!” and I’ll show you somebody who should be writing television.

But now, television, music… it’s all synthetic, pointless drivel. Why is Ashlee Simpson a celebrity? She’s not good looking. Her sister was. Hell, that’s as good a reason as any for Jessica Simpson to be famous, you can hit the mute button and stare at her if the mood strikes you. But Ashlee? She’s just something to shove on people… a little bitchy prima-donna riding the coattails of a good looking human being with pop nuggets that are better off left in whatever damp and wormy seat-cushion they were dug out of. And Paris Hilton? What the hell did she do to become a celebrity? Screw people? Be rich? Industry, THOUSANDS of people do it on tape and film it. Most are better looking than Drips McGee. But she’s rich, I guess. Sort of makes you look past that jagged nose and lazy eye. And gigantic…

…but I digress. Some of the people you push on us actually have talent. Tara Reid, she…

…okay, bad example. But Avril Lavigne… okay, tangent time.

“My Happy Ending” is a pile of crap. It’s not a song, it’s a bitch-fest, much like this column. It would not get ANY airtime if the singer was not already famous. Is this really a song good enough to promote? Good enough to WANT to sing over and over again and concerts? Does anybody BOTHER learning the lyrics? Jesus Christ…

So I go back to my old stuff. And I listen to it. And one day you’re flipping radio stations, and it’s the same sound you’ve heard for years… WITH SOME RAPPER RAPPING OVER IT. You know what I mean? I’ve never gotten over Puffy and Faith Evans slowly mutilating the Police Classic, “Every Breath you Take” in such an uncreative, mentally constipated song. And then one of my absolute FAVORITE songs… “And the Beat goes on” by Whispers… gets used as a backdrop for Will Smith’s “Miami”. What the hell? You know what we’d call that in writing? Plagarism! Fucking uncreative people tweaking someone else’s perfection! But in rap, it’s called sampling.

Of course, actual musicians from the age when music was good have to pay the bills, and sell out to these talentless hacks. Which explains Miami. But Sting’s a billionare! Why the hell would he sell out to P. Diddy? Makes no sense! So now I have to wish death on two people. P. Diddy and Sting’s tantric ass.

Hell, I have more respect for Lil’ John than P. Diddy. At least that backbeat didn’t come from some talented artist… and the backbeat is really what sells the song, people. You know this. A song is like a house… the lyrics really are unimportant if it sounds good. Sometimes, the voice contributes… but can you really see P. Diddy’s voice contributing to anything but a murder-suicide?

Well, keep shoving these people at us, and you’ll get what the entertainment industry got with the advent of 80’s New Wave and Nirvana…

…lots and lots of money.


There’s an easy way to stop the industry from making all of this garbage, and forcing it on us. So…easy. All you have to do is ignore it. Destroy it’s food by not buying the records. No money, no reality shows about how rich people are. You know what you do to the Tara Reids of the world? Don’t buy into their crap when they drop 20 lbs and they have to buy new hoots to stay sexy. Let ’em live with what they got. You think Karen Allen ever got a tit job? No-she just took care of herself, and was a distinct, talented actress who smacked the living crap out of Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Give us more Karen Allens, Hollywood. Hell, give us a Grace Kelly, someone who at least tries to be classy.

Take your Lindsay Lohans, your Paris Hiltons, your Tara Reids, your Nichole Richies, your Christian Agulierminas, your Britney Spears’s, your Dick Cheney’s, and let ’em earn their money the way a whore should. Put ’em on the corner.

Signed, R.B.B.

Stepping off the Donkey-A message to the Democrats

Okay, look. For my entire life, I felt like I was one of you. Like I was in line with your beliefs, because I love animals, and I’ve always heard that Republicans want to destroy nature. The world is my cheif concern, because it contains us all. However, at the end of this election, it was clear that one party was the “Look at us, we love Jesus and War” party, and the other was the “look at them, they love Jesus and War” party. I saw a grown man stare like an idiot into a camera, and another grown man bring a quiet, reserved young woman into the political fray like a steaming cut of pork.

The fact is, you’re both out of touch. The Democrats, moreso.

The leadership of the Democrats has made Republicans out to be Jesus-loving, gay-bashing bible-thumping warmongering tree-chopping theives. And they really aren’t. The war in Iraq was wrong, but hell, how bad has it screwed up your life? I mean, really? People are dying over there, but I doubt President Bush would REALLY go to war on the fly. And as for Social Security Privatization… I’m all for you being the “anti Republican” party, but when they press a VERY NECESSARY IDEA, then there’s no good in pressing back.

The Democrats were everywhere this past election, calling Bush a liar, a coward, a monster, a killer, a moron, and whether any of them were true, it just didn’t work. There’s something stupid about listening to country and waving a flag… but there’s also something noble about it. It’s faith in a leader. And while you shook your heads in disgust back in 1998… I promise you, now they do the same thing. The country is fractured, but it is not the fault of one man. It’s the fault of both parties.

And that includes the Democrats.

Michael Moore, lying about facts in Farenheight 911. John Stewart, screaming like a lunatic at Tucker Carlson. Underground websites comparing Bush to Hitler. I mean, really. Is it wrong to wave a flag and be a Christian? Is it that bad a thing? Some chose to support their leader, some chose to act like pricks. The Republicans chose to do it in 1998, the Democrats are doing it now. Both are justified in a way… but why do they do it?

I’ll tell you why. Because neither side wants what’s “greater” and “nicer”. You think most Democrats want gay marriage? Hell, most are just doing it to get the “trendy young woman” vote and the gay vote. Same as the Republicans supporting the NRA and Big Tobacco. It’s all for money and support, and I see that now.

Shame on you, for trying to sway people like me. Shame on you, for lying to me to get my vote. Democrat? Republican? Long ago, both sides lost what they stood for. They no longer stand for parties, but rallying points for the pacifists and the extremists, the elitists and the ignorant. Both sides talk about understanding, but neither side cares to understand.

If the Democratic leadership does not take stock at how far they’ve wandered out of the realm of the common man, they will never control a house again. A word to the wise: Nobody likes a whiner. That’s why this election was less like 2000 (or 1996, for that matter). You whined. You whined your way right out of the race.

If the Republican leadership does not take stock of how far they’re going toward a religious state, our country will end up just like all others do. You’ve got to reach out to everyone, not just your constituency. Meet with black leaders, even if they don’t vote for you. Ignoring a problem never makes it better. Anybody who’s ever had Clamydia can tell you that.

And Ralph Nader… there comes a point when… Christ, nevermind.

The fact is, I care about the world, and conserving it. If either of these two “parties” will bother to get off their asses and try and work for the good of the planet, then by all means, you’ve got my vote. Until then, you can take your gay marriages and your social security privatization and your tax cuts and just beat off to them for all I care.

I’m an Environmentalist. And from now on, that’s all I am. I’m through being a Jackass.

Somewhere a Home

“The guy who wrote “The Star Spangled Banner” knew what he was doing. He set “freedom” to a note so high, that nobody could reach it.”
-Tony Kutchner (Told you it wasn’t me, Jaz 😉 )

Well, the elections are over, and we’ve chosen a lot of leaders. But one thing really stood out to me that echoed the mindset of this country more than any electoral tally: 11 states voted to prevent Gay Marriage in any form. Is it because homosexuality is considered wrong in these places? Or it makes people uncomfortable? America has spoken, homosexuality has no real home in America. So what I will propose in this column is something rather radical… but something that I think is absolutely necessary.

Israel has become a home to the Jewish race and faith. It is the soul “Jewish” country in the world, albiet one that is always in grave danger from it’s bedfellows. However, it has stood as a bastion of hope and understanding for an entire people.

Liberia became a home to the African Slaves brought over to the United States who managed to get away. They formed their own nation, named “Monrovia” after the president who helped them, and started one of the longest standing nations in Africa. They aren’t perfect, but they stand for the power of one people to unify, and to create a new home, in the face of adversity.

Every race…group… has a home in this world. Puerto Rico, England, Canada, the United States, Liberia… every group has its home in one of these places. American Liberals gather cheifly in the metropolis areas, while Conservatives hold sway in the rural areas. Everyone has a place to call their own, in a sense. Except one group; the homosexuals.

Now, one could say a lot of smart-allecky things at this point. “Don’t they have Massachusetts?” No. They have a country that seems disgusted by them. That denies them the freedoms all other consenting adults can enjoy. That portrays stereotypes of them for comedic effect on Television. That has preachers talk about how they will all burn in hell, and how they disgust God. The Democratic party, after this bloody repulse, will begin to lean farther right, leaving the Gay Rights movement sitting high and dry. So what can these people do? Are they doomed to put on appearances, quell their innermost longings, and try to fit in even if their heads and hearts say no?

Many people have been persecuted throughout history. Jews. Gypsies. Blacks. Indians. But all of them have or have begun to overcome the pressures holding them down, trying to drown them in a sea of hate. All except one.

So what do we do? What can we do for these people?

I say we give them an Israel.

Baja California stretches south of the United States, running parralell to Mexico. The land is made up of warm beaches facing the cool Pacific. I’ve been told it’s a beautiful place, where the sun sets over a sparkling ocean. Much like the Gadsen Purchase of long ago, we could buy up a small stretch of this land. It could be a safe haven… a small nation… for a people with no home.

The location is irrelevant, but the necessity is real. Our country spoke last night, and said that we are not a culture of equality after all. Or we just aren’t ready to be yet. We ask our gay citizens to be A.E. Housman rather than Oscar Wilde. When they hold out their battered arms for comfort, we shower them in Bible verses. When Mathew Sheppard dies tied to a wooden stake, rednecks and football players in high schools cheer. This is not a home for the homosexual populace, any more than Germany was a home for the Jews in 1933. Any more than America was a home for the Souix in the 1860’s. Any more than… well, you get the picture.

I’m not saying we move all of them out. I’m saying we give them the option of a place where they can avoid bigotry… avoid oppression… and feel free to be themselves in a culture that does not harbor hatred for them. We owe them that much.

One day, we might be capable of being the true “Land of the Free”. But until then, we should give citizens who can’t be free here a place where they can be. We did it once before, and we can do it again.

“Everybody needs a place to rest, everybody wants to have a home.”
-Bruce Springsteen

Last Requests

One of the sorriest displays of politics in recent years is winding down to it’s inevitable halt. In two days time (god willing), we will know who our new President is. George W. Bush will either have his second term, or Kerry will have his first. Whoever wins, they will have a thankless and very difficult task on their hands. I’ve laid my chips with Kerry, however, I’d like to request things of both candidates. No matter which one ends up winning out, there are things that either candidate would benefit hearing. So here goes.

To President John Kerry…

Okay, so I guess you’re wondering how you got this far. After all, you were getting schooled by Howard Dean this time last year. Thank God he’s a screamer… because I doubt he would have come off well at all in those debates. But here you are. President John Kerry. How are you liking it? Well, that doesn’t really matter that much. What matters is whether or not we like it.

And a good half of the country won’t be. Half will be screaming at you from day one, and a good quarter of the other half will be wary of you. You’re “the lesser of two evils” to these people. And how a task falls on you. You must unify them all. I doubt you will recieve a “unifying” moment, such as 9/11. No, I feel that your presidency will be very similar to the Clinton years. You’ll have a Republican congress standing in the way of your every move. And you know you lack the charisma of old Slick Willy.

But all the same, you must try. And I don’t mean donning camo and going out shooting ducks. You have to learn what your forerunner did not, that you must work for all of America, not just the side that voted on you. Democrats will be foaming at the mouth to undo four years of Republican control… and you must contain them.

And Osama remains. You must find him. You must. America will never fully exorcise the specter of 9/11, but so long as Osama remains alive, it will rattle its chains, and scream in our ears.

Iraq must be defused. But not abandoned. The answer to the snafu that took place between the Tygrus and the Euphrates must not hemorrage with the blood of America’s youth… but it must not be something we run away from. The world is looking at us right now, and only with understanding, well-thought out actions, will it grow to respect us as it once did.

All else is incidental. Tax cuts, gay marriage, and immigration. If this world… and us along with it… is to survive, then we all must work together. The outsider cannot be won over with brute force, but he also cannot be won over with a hug and a Jimmy Carter smile. It must be a balance of the two. I do not know how to do this. But you must find a way. Otherwise, you will join the forty-odd men who have failed at your job: unifying the world against the tribal politics and old hatreds that have poisoned it for so long.

Godspeed, President Kerry. Godspeed.

To President George W. Bush…

You’ve done it again, George. I seemed to know you would pull through somehow, and here you are, ready for another innauguration day in your egg-covered limo. How do you feel? Are you ready for more of this? At least you don’t have to worry about re-election now. And I know you’re not obligated to fix what you’ve broken. You can sit on your laurels for four years, until some other candidate with something to prove steps up. You can do this, and cement your place in history…

…or you can try something else. You can try redemption.
As night fell on September 11, I never thought I’d see a country as shattered as it is now. I knew we were going to band together. You could hear it in every American voice. I knew you’d get re-elected, but if you could pull through for us, I didn’t care, no matter what happened in 2000. You were our president, and we believed in you.

And for a while, everything was fine. Everything was okay. But then there were cracks in the lining. And then everything shattered into pieces when you declared war on Iraq. It was America’s first pre-emptive war. We’ve done some crass things in our history-poisining the Souix with Small-Pox laced blankets, blaming the destuction of the USS Maine on Spain just so we could take Cuba…. but this took the cake. We swept in and chased out the gremlins of your father’s failed war. We toppled the Statue. We were triumphant. You drove down on your steel bird, screaming “mission accomplished”. For those who would hear the Siren’s Song of blind patriotism, it was a shining moment.

But it didn’t last .

Fire in the night. Gunshots in the streets. Fat goverment contracts. Flag-draped coffins. The liberal backlash. Michael Moore, trying to sign up people to go fight for your war. Anne Coulter, claiming anyone who didn’t support you was a Traitor. And before you know it, we’re back to 2000, fractured into two pieces, and all we’ve got to show for it is an empty stretch of ground and four thousand new graves (and counting).

So you’ve got another four years. Do us a favor. Redeem yourself.

No more Halliburton garbage. Be open to everyone. Stop listening to the bald man in glasses, and listen to your promises from 2000. Leave no child behind. Leave no adult behind. If you want to make it certain every unborn child makes it into the world, give them the means to craft their future. And keep their future rife with possiblity, not isolation and paranioa. Stop trying to scare people, and stop trying to use Jesus as a prop. Religion is not the cure for the world’s suffering, it is the cause of it. Address your shortcomings. And transcend them.

You are a good man. You are not a stupid man. But you are not very articulate, and you let yourself be pushed around by those below you. You can do little for the first, but you must do something about the second. You know what those troops in Iraq are going through. Show them that you care about every last one of them. Form an Exit Strategy.

But your greatest task will be to build back those bridges you burned. The rest of the world stands around us. We can hate them, and spar with them, or we can overcome two million years of bickering and killing. It’s our choice, I say we make the right one now.

You’re back, but you don’t have to go down in history as the guy who just squeaked by. Or as the man who mortally wounded his country. You can be that grand uniter. But you must work with those who you disagree with. For unity is made up of the acceptance of all people… not just the ones on your side. So it should go in the United States of America, and so it should go in the world-no matter what the armchair generals, the rednecks, the nascar dads, and the spoiled trust-fund babies say.

Be the President we know you can be. And be it now, whether your presidency ends in 2005 or 2009.

Thank you gentlemen, and goodnight.

In closing…

The choice is before you now. And no matter who you choose to support, make that support known. Every vote cast strengthens America. It brings us together as one people, working together to decide our future. So vote Kerry, or vote Bush, or vote Nader, or vote for Benny Hill… but take part. Don’t do it for your party, or your agenda… do it for yourself.

The future is what we make it. So help make the future on November 2.