This Week in Things That Pissed Me Off! -11/24/06

Ok so I’ve missed a few weeks worth of articles, so what? If you have got an issue with that then you can direct your comments and opinions to my mailing address: 123 I Don’t Give a Rat’s ass Lane, P.O. Box Up Yours.

Ok so first up this week is something that has been bothering me for a while now. A while back one of my friends decided to have her birthday party at this place called The Slipper Room, it’s a bar in NYC that still holds cabaret shows. Now first of all, cabaret is dead, it has been dead, and I am pretty sure that back in the 1850’s it was dying an early death. I don’t see what the appeal of scantily clad women who appeared to be their 40’s who like to dance in tassels to techno music is, and I am most certainly sure that I will never be able to solve that mystery, however people did seem to enjoy the show, and it was my friends birthday, so whatever. I decided to amuse the idea and “expand my horizons of culture” I just hope those $6 beers will be worth it.

Now I am sure you are asking the question “But why go to the cabaret if you knew it’d blow, do you enjoy subjecting yourself to such torment?” And the answer to that question is simple, I do these things so that I can actually have a valid statement for saying something sucked and bitch about it, other then staying home and imagining the suck fest, because let’s be honest folks, things will suck so much worse then you could ever possibly imagine. Which brings me to topic #2.

People aren’t entitled to jack fucking shit. Tipping is not mandatory, its customary, sure it brings in a large amount of income for someone who is in the serving profession, but if you’re a waiter you are not guaranteed a fucking tip. If you take 20 minutes to bring me a menu, spill food on me, burn my dinner, get my drink order wrong, are rude, and are just plain dumb, you will not get a good tip from me, if any tip at all. Why? Because you are failing your job, and people who fail at their jobs don’t deserve to be paid for them.

Now recently I had met a certain female bartender who refused to serve me and another person I know because “We didn’t tip her.” Now I am not referring to not tipping her the entire night, I am referring to not tipping her on the first beer. I don’t tip the bartender on every drink that I buy, I also rarely tip on the first beer I purchase. Why? I just got in to the place, I want a quick drink, shove the cash in my pocket and see what people are up to, settle in, then on every other beer I will tip, and before I leave I will tip one last time, I know plenty of people like this and it works for me well, and bartenders seem to have no complaints, in fact they are constantly giving me free drinks. Furthermore, it isn’t even like the bartender had some excellent service, she slammed the original drink I ordered down on the bar top and half the beer poured out due to the impact so she could go back to daydreaming. Now she should just go do her job, honestly though, any chimpanzee could do her job, open up the cooler in front of you, stick your hand in it, and give me a beer you dumb bitch! But to demand a tip or else she wasn’t going to serve me? I can’t believe how backwards this slut had the concept, she was basically trying to change the rules and serve me based upon how well I was as a customer, and not serve me as if she was trying to earn her tip. Was she on the rag? Did she have a one night stand and get kicked out of the guys place naked the night before? I don’t know and honestly I don’t care, don’t bring your shit to work if you want people to pay you well.

She obviously didn’t even want to be there, and if only I had one more beer in me I could have made that possible for her by letting her boss know how much money she was costing him, because think about it, if she was to act like that to everyone who didn’t tip? The bar would lose a ton of cash. Oh, and if you’d like to know where this bar was, well, amazingly enough it was also at The Slipper Room. See how that works? If I didn’t go out to the cabaret I’d have never met the ho who wanted to be paid for not working.

To wrap up that wonderful evening, I wound up leaving most of my friends early to go home, way I figured, I was having a miserable time why stick around when I could be sleeping. I was able to grab the 1:46am train out of the city. Now for those of you who aren’t aware, the 1:46am train is one of the most crowded trains that run. This is because all of the drunks coming home from the city are on it. The train is loud, crowded, and smells. Random people can, and will begin talking to you, if you are a 21 year old girl a 50 year old guy may grab you, it happens. I’ve had random men begin talking to me about local native American tribes that once populated Long Island, I’ve also had girls ask me to stand between them and drunk perverts. Hey whatever. The Long Island Railroad STILL charges about $8 for this train ride regardless of time and it’s occupants, and the conductor will still come through and charge an extra $5 if you didn’t buy your ticket in advance, but in all honestly I am actually fairly glad I had caught the 1:46am train. The next one to arrive would have been the 2:55am train. The reason that train is worse then the 1:46am is solely based on the fact that the 2:55am train contains the angry sobering drunks who missed the 1:46am train.

Now if you don’t mind me I only have 30 days left until Christmas and according to the consumer market I don’t have enough time to do my shopping, apparently I should have started back during Columbus Day.

This Week in Things That Pissed Me Off! – 10/27/06

So it’s fairly late at night and I am surfing the web when I get an email. Enclosed within is a message informing me that someone wishes to be my new friend at Myspace. Oh boy! Who is this mysterious person who I have never met who wishes to brighten my entire dark void that I call a life with pointless comments and as much of their unfunny banter as possible? I’ll tell you who this person is, its that crappy emo band that covers Whitesnake with trumpets, or that 13-year-old girl who dresses more slutty then a prostitute in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, or perhaps it is neither and maybe its just Tila Tequila.

Regardless of who the invite is coming from, its always the same motive, they only want to be listed at the top of the Internet popularity food chain. Well guess what? It’s the Internet, no one really cares about you, and sadly, the only reason people will accept these invites is to boost their own level of self-security and raise their level of Internet popularity by a few numbers. Plain and simple, I don’t care about your crappy band and the crappy music you put out, I don’t care about how sexed up you wish to be at the age of 13, and I most certainly don’t want to be your friend. Oh and to all of you 21 year old girls who dress slutty and want to be my friend, you need to stop too. I get enough scantily clad girls from the True adds that liter the screen every time I need to log on because a friend harasses me to comment on a new picture of theirs, if I want to see T & A I’ll download some porn. Please, this is the INTERNET for Christ sakes, lack of cloths isn’t as good as no clothes, and no clothes is even more accessible then a little bit of cloths, so please just stop.

Further more, to people who aren’t in the boat of winning the popularity contest, please stop showing off your crappy artwork and awful mini self-projects. Myspace is NOT a place to be artistic either, go and create your own web page to show this stuff off, I swear these people also most likely add a link to their Myspace account on job resumes nowadays to show off their work and what they are capable of. Finally, on a personal side note, stop sending out those retarded chain letter posts, no one is going to come back from the dead to kill you if you don’t continue to post them and true love won’t find you not because you didn’t send out a new bulletin, true love won’t find you because you never step away from you lousy computer screen.

Moving on, I was at the bar last weekend, and it was a fairly good time and everyone was having fun, and then what had begun to occur was possibly one of the biggest crimes against humanity that I have ever witnessed. A girl weighing in at 250+ got up on the bar top and started to dance. I swear to god, your not hot, you don’t have a good body, and no one wants to see your ass crack. If you are a fat girl, don’t show off your goods, no one wants to see that, and you know who I am talking to. Girls who weight under 115 pounds go crazy trying to lose weight to fit into a bikini, so why do girls weighing 215 have no trouble putting one on? Are they that delusional? Do their friends tell them that they are sexy and cute? If you are a fat girl, do not wear skimpy cloths, do not dance topless at bars, its that simple, you will make people throw up. I don’t see how this is such a huge issue today in America, but it happens all the time, its not something that’s an isolated incident, fat women think they are hot and dress as if they were 10 sizes smaller, please, this goes out to all those fat girls friends, tell them they are fat, tell them not to wear certain outfits, do not let them dance on bars when their pants will fall down, just say no to them, don’t worry about hurting their feelings because when someone calls them a beached whale, it’ll just be that much worse on them and you could have prevented it, I mean sure, fat chicks need love to but, that is why Thomas Edison invented the damn light switch.

To wrap this week up I will just be posting a very one sided online conversation this week between me and John.

Big Danny D: the batman
Big Danny D: the crappy cartoon on channel 11
Big Danny D: on Saturday mornings
Big Danny D: they are up to Clayface 2 already
Big Danny D: ON THE CARTOON
Big Danny D: I turned it on
Big Danny D: and they were actually calling him Clayface II
Big Danny D: and I was mad
Big Danny D: so very very mad
Big Danny D: because that shits pointless
Big Danny D: especially on a kids cartoon
Big Danny D: its just not needed
Big Danny D: like they REALLY messed up Clayface
Big Danny D: the show originally focused around batman and these 2 cops
Big Danny D: who were trying to get him and arrest him
Big Danny D: one of the cops, a guy, was Bruce Wayne’s college roommate
Big Danny D: and they were prominent characters
Big Danny D: and the cop who was Bruce’s friend…
Big Danny D: he became Clayface
Big Danny D: Clayface I
Big Danny D: which, ok, I’ll admit, it was cool
Big Danny D: he had a real back story
Big Danny D: u knew who he was
Big Danny D: and u felt bad for him
Big Danny D: cause he legitimately was a good guy
Big Danny D: who became a bad guy thru the torture of people on the street not accepting him
Big Danny D: he went insane
Big Danny D: now
Big Danny D: Clayface II
Big Danny D: was just some smuck
Big Danny D: who we didn’t know
Big Danny D: and they gave him a background story in 10 seconds
Big Danny D: and u got an evil clayface with no remorse, and a good Clayface
Big Danny D: I understand, the 2 Clayfaces of theater
Big Danny D: comedy/tragedy
Big Danny D: its dumb
Big Danny D: why?
Big Danny D: because its a kids cartoon
Big Danny D: and 12 year olds can’t understand this
Big Danny D: i hate when they switch shit up in comics
Big Danny D: but 10-15 years can warrant a change
Big Danny D: 2 seasons on a damn kids cartoon?
Big Danny D: its like the god damn power rangers, i hate that shit
Big Danny D: and even they were full time real actors who had to be paid and eventually want to move on in their careers
Big Danny D: this is a villain on a cartoon, taken from a pool of what? 60+ other batman villains
Big Danny D: who appears in the show once, MAYBE twice a season?
Big Danny D: were the writers that much out of ideas?
Big Danny D: they couldn’t come up with a new puzzle for the Riddler?
Big Danny D: or something with 2 sides for two face to steal?
Big Danny D: or an insane rampage with the joker thru the streets of Gotham?
Big Danny D: or did they just run out of giant birds for the penguin to steal from a zoo
John: haha
Big Danny D: the original batman animated series made it thru like 4 seasons with no problems, then went into justice league for Christ sakes
Big Danny D: they even gave robin teen titans
Big Danny D: so pissed off

Now go link this article to at least 15 people or you’ll be forced to sit through 1 episode of Perfect Strangers for each person under 15 that you don’t send this too.

This Week in Things That Pissed Me Off! – 10/20/06

So there I am, watching Comedy Central when on comes a show that makes me literally want to rip my eyes out, Scrubs. Oh boy! As if we weren’t lucky enough to see the same 5 episodes of Mad T.V. re-aired over and over again that now I need to be force-fed this poor excuse for a sitcom with jokes that are so painfully unfunny that unless you were tripping out on acid you should have no reason to laugh at.

That brings me to my next question; why do people like Zach Braff? His whiny comedic antics are on par with that of a roller coaster flying off its tracks and killing hundreds in its wake, the man’s just not funny. Don’t get me wrong here either, I could understand if he was good looking, but the reality of the matter is that he just looks dirty and lazy. Are people really THAT bored that they’d pay to watch him on television and in films or are they just stupid?

Which leads me to The Marine…. Who on God’s green Earth even thought to say “John Cena isn’t exactly the most gifted wrestler in the WWE, so let’s give the man a movie deal.”

Now before I continue I just want to say that I’m about to give away a spoiler to this abysmal piece of art that will forever truly haunt the great archived classics of Hollywood. I’m going to be straight forward here, if you are really going to be upset by a spoiler of The Marine that means you actually want to see this movie, but have been too lazy to go, because this is simply a film that you go see opening week or you don’t go. That fact alone justifies me for spoiling this film for you, because you suck.

Back to the topic, in the film ‘The Marine’ John Cena portrayed an ex marine who was discharged from the military. Now even if you missed the high paced, action packed thrilling first 5 seconds of the film that created such an intriguing background story for the film that literally kept all 15 movie goers on the edge of their seats (probably ready to vomit and leave the theater), or were just a complete idiot and didn’t realize what movie it was that you paid to see, well don’t worry, there’s good news! John only mentions that he was a Marine all about five thousand times in the film. Seriously though, the man had 3 lines throughout the entire film that he had to constantly recite. It was like one of those old dolls with a pull string on the back, pull it for “I am a MARINE!”, “My wife was kidnapped!”, and “Oof!” Ok I guess we can’t really count the last line as an actual word. Of course however, to be fair to John, if his acting goal and directive was to try remain stiff and emotionless well then the man deserves an Oscar, because that was the best portrayal of a wood board I’ve ever witnessed. Oh and as for the ending? Well the entire film was your typical action film, wife gets kidnapped, bad guy double crosses another bad guy, the double crossed bad guy winds up being the cop whose been helping you out, etc. So you can easily take a wild guess as to how it ends.

Jon-Mikl Thor… Enough Said, look it up, moving on.

Sony, listen up. I don’t want a PS3, especially not for the $600 price tag. Oh wow, Blu-Ray DVD, whoop dee doo. Many people still have televisions that can’t differentiate the quality between VHS and DVD, why do we need an improved quality format? Was DVD really all that terrible? And are you really saving money buying a PS3 over a Blu-Ray player ANYWAY? Realistically? No your not, because chances are unless you were on line at a store at 7am last Monday waiting to buy a preorder, your going to be spending $2000+ on ebay for one. Honestly, this is beyond necessity and wanting, this is just stupid. Soon enough there will be a level of quality so precise that the human eye won’t be able to detect it and yet people will still believe that it’s a must. Further more, most of these games will be available on cheaper systems, sure their will always be the exclusive titles, but remember folks, graphics do not make the game, no matter how much you lie to yourself, it is the game play that keeps you coming back, the background story and characters that you learn to love and wait with anticipation of it’s sequels, not the flashy graphics and pretty pictures.

Back to the preorders. It is estimated that 75% of the preorders made are going straight to ebay, in fact many already made their way there. Some were removed, others not. Some for as high as the $2000 I mentioned earlier. Impressive? No, not really, quite sad actually that people feel the need to spend that amount of money of a product that will most likely collect dust. Even if you get a ps3 who are you going to play with? Chances are many of your friends won’t have it so friendly online play can be ruled out, have fun with the 12 year olds kicking your ass in one on one. Then of course if you pay the ebay price for it, how will you even afford games? How do people HAVE this kind of money to just toss away? People claim we’re in a depression and jobs are hard to find yet people are paying 2g for video games? Give me a break.

Finally, to round out the things that pissed me off the last two weeks, this past weeks Monday Night Raw had both Kevin Federline on, as well as Jackass and Wildboyz (It hurts me to even type that) stars Steve-O and Chris Pontius. Although K-Fed was booed without mercy, he did bring up a good point, that people are still buying his records and buying the magazines to read up on his life. STOP SUPPORTING HIM! I don’t care why people buy anything with his name on it or in it, even if it’s to make fun of him, stop, just stop it. That’s all I’m going to mention about him because if I say his name one more time, he will probably get a new record deal or something, simply cause he’s being mentioned on the internet.

As for Steve-O and Chris Pontius being on Raw, well, they wanted to get their asses kicked in a fight, which is fine, they’re stunt men who can’t make it big other then filming themselves getting injured in very comical situations. Its funny sure, and someone’s got to make this kind of comedy, but when one of them begins to actually have a successful career like Johnny Knoxville then its time to pull the plug. I wished I didn’t have to point this out, but if your claim to fame is having others throw bowling balls at your crotch then you DO NOT DESERVE to be put on the cover of GQ. Steve-O, Chris, remember these words I’m about to impart to you, keep on amusing us with your crazy stunts that no one else who is sane would ever do, but remember, we will never see you winning an academy award, so don’t try, because you won’t, if you were serious and even semi-decent actors, then you wouldn’t have to set your pubic hairs on fire for people to like you.

This is Big Danny D, and those were a few things that pissed me off this week.