A Peerless Perspective.

A STORY
There once was a man who did something somewhere. He didn’t do it here, though. So if you feel like bringing it up… bite me.

WASTED TALENT
A while back, I talked about my column on alchoholic musicians. People kept coming up to me with suggestions. But they came to me with people who’s drinking had resulted in bad stuff. I’m all about positivity, so I’m not gonna touch on Pearl Jam’s rum-swilling frontman or any of that. Even if it wasn’t his frontman. You won’t see me mentioning Jim Morrison. I’d rather stay on two happy drunk people.
The first is Jimmy Buffet.
Now, we all know that Jimmy Buffet wasn’t just drunk. Nobody thinks up “Cheeseburger in Paradise” while drunk. “Margaritaville”, maybe. But “Cheeseburger”… wow. You have to be on some crazy magic fruit pills to come up with that.
CRAZY magic fruit pills. But the guy is absolutely a hoot sloshed, more than you an say for most folks. He changes lyrics on stage. He’s just a nice guy. Drinkin’ and singin’ about Cheeseburgers. And stars falling on Alabama. You could groove to that shit, man, you could groove all the way to St. Elle’s. No bad feelings there. No threatening to shoot people and smoking weed. Just drinkin’ and cooking shrimp.
And no problems at all. Take that, Eric Clapton!
But the king… the lord of all drunkenness… is Frank Sinatra. You doubt this? How can you? Listen to the end of “Strangers in the Night”, where he slurs “DOO BEE DOO BE DOO… BA BA BA BUhhhbeehhhbu…” And how wasted do you have to be to sing “My Way?” And how wasted was the COUNTRY TO EMBRACE AND LISTEN TO THAT SONG? It was the fourties, I know, and we were riding on a patriotic high, and prohibition was repealed… and there wasn’t a depression or a war to keep us from drinkin’… but STILL. C’mon, people… seriously. I know sex appeal can lead (Timberlake) us to embrace (Spears) really (Aquillera) crappy (Usher) artists, but still…
“I did it maaaaaaaw way!”
Good lord. Good….lord.
It’s still better than Linkin Park. Although lyrically, the only difference is the big nerdy words.

KILLING HOOKERS IS A BLAST

I don’t get the outrage over GTA3 and GTA Vice City. I do however think it is absolutely HILARIFYING that the same prudent, powder-smelling rich women who decry this violence back a president who’s made his legacy in blood. What’s a dead pixelated hooker compared to a dead American soldier? Not a lot. “But you can burn them with fire! Or drive over them! What the hell do you think is happening in Iraq? Nobody’s dying of food poisoning. And this sure isn’t Bill Clinton’s fault. IT’s the fault of YOUR president, you pampered cows. You and your impotent ex-footballing failure husbands elected this guy while watching Fox News and reading Paul Greenberg. Why are you so mad your kids are seeing violence? Don’t want them to get burned out before they turn eighteen and can go fight for Bush in some other nation that might have a weapon?
Mr. Bush will not read this column. But if he does, he should know that an American soldier is not his toy. These are damn fine individuals, and damn brave ones at that… and who the HELL is he to risk losing them? His information was faulty? No, that’s not adequate. If you’re gong to risk the life of an American, you better make sure there’s a damn good reason. If you can’t do this, or if you don’t see any point in it, then you’ve no buisiness being an American, much less the president of America. Bush should take his bogus morals and pompous blowhard attitude, and go over to Iraq. Fight for once. No Air National Guard this time, you squinty-eyed liar. You squinty-eyed, lying, self-righteous, double-talking, alchoholic, selfish, senseless ASS.
Whew.
Wasn’t that exciting?
Now I’m gonna be like Meg Ryan’s good looks, and suddenly vanish. Catcha on the flip-side
-Bishop (courtesy of Yowzer.net)