Sin 2: Money is the root of being pissed off.

WORD UP.

Good day sirs, Bryan Bishop here with his weekly bullheaded, mean-spirited column. Ready for some more 200 proof cynisism, with no chaser? Good, because here it comes.

Sin 2: Owing money to a friend.

You know, I hate busting people out. It’s awful! I hate saying somebody’s name and exposing them as the sniffling, pathetic cheapskate they are. But I got this friend, by the name of Chris, who is a sinner. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this boy has broken commandment #2: Thou shalt not owe a friend money. A nice tag for this one should also be “thou shalt not lend money to a friend”. Because friends are like that, aren’t they? “Aw, I’ll pay you back. Oh, you dont’ have to worry.” And you can’t get harsh with them. Unless, of course, you’re a dickhead like yours truly.

But I digress. Now, the story.

It was fall of October, and I was a miserable bastard. I had one friend who was a Zoloft-snorting asshole, and another friend who was great, save for his utter lack of drive. So me and said friend, CHRISTOPHER ADAM SHUTTER, are hanging out, and he’s lamenting the fact his Zoloft-hoochie roomate is throwing him out. So he asks for money.

I should have looked into the situation a little right then. Here was a guy who couldn’t get a job… couldn’t? I’m sorry, couldn’t be bothered to get off his ass to find a job. And I’m going to give him money? How much money, Bryan?

100 bucks.

I give it to him to pay his rent. And then he swiftly leaves anyway, with my money. I ask when I can get it back.

“Well, uh, I gotta pay back my parents, and then Marty, and then Jason, then you.”

What? That’s not how it works. You have my money, and when I ask for it, you better have it or better have something worth 100 dollars to give to me.

So, still clinging to my ‘nice guy’ mentality, I let off 25 bucks, so I can get my money back. Nothing. Spring goes by. Summer. He lives at home, rent free, and has a job delivering pizzas. Fall comes. Still no money. I cut it down to sixty dollars, just wanting my money. Then I invite him over for a bender.

…and he has a brand new hat with earflaps, an a 150 dollar SKS illegal Serbian rifle to show off.

…yes, there was an axe handy. No, I didn’t use it. Mainly because of the rifle.

So I’m thinking, “Okay, okay, one slip up, no big deal.” Wednesday, I go over to his house, and he shows me his massive DVD collection.

Chris: At one point, I was buying a DVD every day!

Me: What about my money?

Chris: Oh dude, I had a car payment.

…worthless asshole.

This man is a sinner, and in two months, if I don’t have my money, he’s going to be a sinner in small claims court. If he doesn’t have the money, I’ll just ask for one thing: the trigger for that rifle, and a trip to the bathroom.

Flush.

QUESTION

Why did ABC stop using John Tesh’s NBA on NBC theme, and turn to something by suck artist extrevant Justin Timberlake? And why am I seeing a cartoon of this sorry individual on my TV, trying to get me to go to McDonalds? And why is it that Marvin Gaye, John Lennon, Tupac, and Jam Master J are dead, and nobody’s taking shots at Timberlake or Nelly? Explain this to me, okay? Geez, you pop one attractive girl’s cherry and the whole world wants your autograph.

TOBEY KEITH IS A FASCIST

This guy I hate. You know him. He’s the fat, gravy guzzling wanker who first came into our consiousness singing “How do you like me now?” Wow! A country musician who doesn’t adhere to the norm! Rad! But wait… something bad happened. So he’s singing, and…

“We’ll put our foot in your ass/courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue.”

“We got too many gangsters doin’ dirty deeds…”

“…Take all them bad boys, hang them high in a tree”

…I really hate this asshole. Untalented, childish, simpleton banter, geared to connect with the lowest common denomenator. And it sucks to listen to, also! This guy isn’t some fun-loving guy. He’s a racist son of a bitch! And he pays country music, to boot. Fuck him, and fuck everybody like him.

…sorry about that. Arkansas sucks, and sometimes the cynisism is hard to break. But next week, never fear, for I will be back to talk a little more to you, and fill your heads with four-letter words and rubbish. Ta!

Happy Thanksgiving

I just wanted to post something to drop our readers a line.

Here in the US we are busy observing the national holiday of Thanksgiving where familys gather from all around to basically reflect and be greatful for what we have as families and what our freedoms grant us.

In observance to this BP.com articles will not be published as usual today and tomorrow. BP staff members are given time off to spend with their family and other loved ones, posting is purely optional, so I wouldn’t be overly shocked if one of our international staff members published something, or one of our US ones who feels like it, but as i said, it is not expected.

From our family to yourse the staff of BaloolaPalooza would like to wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving.

Wasted Words 8

Recommended download: Vendetta RedStay Home

Hey everyone, it’s me again. A day away from Thanksgiving, and I’m getting a little excited. I really enjoy the holiday season, it makes me kinda sad too. Unfortunately, most of my family has drifted apart over the past few years since my Grandmother passed away. Seems the only time the family gets together is when there is a funeral to attend. Not very cheerful huh? This year will also be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Father, who passed away back in March after just turning 49. Thankfully, I still have my mother and two brothers, as well as my two year old daughter to keep my spirits high. When I’m down, I turn to music a lot. To quote a Rancid song, “When I’ve got the music, I got a place to go.” This statement holds quite true, because music seems to hold the key to our emotions. When I’m sad, putting on a favorite CD can lift my spirits and change my mood. Most of the time anyway. Of course, maybe it’s just me. Speaking of music, I haven’t gotten any new albums this week, which is rather unusual. I did go this evening to buy Funeral For A Friend’s album, but fucking Best Buy didn’t even have a spot for it. No other store in town has it either, so it looks like I’ll be ordering it online. Fuckers. I watched a couple new movies the other night. Well, they were new to me. One was called Speed Demon. It was about a group of street racers who were in a cult, and they worshipped something called speed demons. The speed demons helped them go faster. It was kinda cheesy, and pretty low-budget, but it was a decent movie nonetheless. The other movie we rented was May. I remember a column being written about this movie awhile back, so I’m sure a lot of you have heard about it or seen it. This girl was fucked up, bottom line. Her only friend is a doll. She’s draw to certain people by specific body parts on them that she finds attractive. She kills these people, cuts off said body parts, and combines them to create the perfect friend. Like I said, she was pretty fucked up. It was a pretty good movie, though I predicted what she was gonna do at the end and had to turn my head. I couldn’t stomach watching what she was about to do. I won’t say what it was, so as not to ruin it for those of you who have yet to see it.

The first three confirmed bands the Vans Warped Tour have been announced on Warped Tour.com. New Found Glory, Taking Back Sunday, and Coheed and Cambria have all been confirmed to be taking part in the tour’s 10 year anniversary. Not a bad start with the first three bands. I’m hoping NOFX, Bad Religion, and Rancid come out this year too. I’d be satisfied with Anti-Flag, Avenged Sevenfold, Rise Against, and Thursday too. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

Anti-Flag have posted the video for Turncoat, over on MTV.com.The song is the first single from the new album, The Terror State. It’s a pretty cool video, and an even better song. It’s rather odd finding these guys on the MTV web site though. Check it out. Turncoat

Motley Crue are reuniting for a tour and possibly a new album. All I gotta say about this is, hell fucking yes.

Another Warped Tour DVD is on the way. Kung Fu Records is planning a May release for the DVD, which will feature performances from Rancid, The Ataris, Poison the Well, and many other Warped Tour bands. I own the first Warped Tour DVD and it’s pretty good. It’s got some great performances from NOFX, Alkaline Trio, and The Used. Not only that, but it’s got interviews with Warped Tour alumni New Found Glory, Good Charlotte, and the founder of the tour, Kevin Lymin.

Nitro Records is having a Holiday sale on their website. All CD’s, with the exception of compilations and EP’s, are priced at $8.00. All vinyl is priced at $6.00, cassettes are $5.00, and T-shirts are starting at $3.00. Head over and pick up some great albums by AFI, The Damned, Rufio, and The Vandals. Christmas will be here soon, and if anyone wants to pick me up some old school AFI, I wouldn’t be mad at you. Nitro Records

Thanks for reading. Until next time, I’m out. Happy Thanksgiving.

Punk Rock Rules

When I was first exposed to punk rock I was 15. I remember vividly being in a car filled with people I barely knew, people I both admired and feared. I was to say the least enthralled with this new community of people and the possibilities that they could expose me to a counter culture world. So there I was, in a 1994 Blazer, 15 years old and na�ve beyond belief. There was a rather tumultuous argument over what CD to play, which at the time I thought was rather odd. Finally an agreement was achieve and in popped the CD that would forever change my life. My virgin exposure to the world of punk rock was Punk in Drublic by NoFX. My first impression was a bit skeptical, after all, I wasn’t used to such fast paced music and I could barely make out the words. But after a few more songs I began to tap my foot and nod my head with the rest of the occupants of the car.

Fast forward to five years later and you have present day me, a present day me that has learned an awful lot about the punk rock scene in a relatively short time. I have come to a series of conclusions about the punk rock community, two of which are guiding principles in my life. Number one: punk rock does in fact rule. The music, lifestyle and mentality behind punk rock music provides an outlet for many people and enforces an alternative way of thinking. Punk rock, like many fringe movements, encourages people to think for themselves. Number two: punk rock is hypocritical. After five years of music listening, show attending and culture observing my experiences have led me to see the punk rock community in a strangely exposing light. For a movement that claims to be anti-establishment and concerned with breaking the rules society creates, punk rock sure has a lot of rules. Here is some of what I have encountered:

Punk Rock Rule 1: We must be different! I have found that much of the punk community looks down on people who aren’t “alternative enough” or aren’t “punk rock.” Although I have a pyramid belt and a few band t-shirts I would consider myself a relatively understated dresser. I buy what appeals to me, end of story. But every once in a while I get looks from the roosters (you know those guys with the giant purple mohawks) in spiked jackets. Looks that convey: “What the hell are you doing here?” Apparently I don’t dress quite punk enough for some people. I thought punk rock was about freedom of expression and individuality. If I wanted to wear a uniform I would just put on my old skirt from Catholic school.

Punk Rock Rule 2: Our music is better! People thoroughly immersed in the punk rock community seem to think that punk rock is the be all and end all of music. Why can’t I love the style of bands like NoFX and Anti-Flag and still listen to bands like The Strokes? I wasn’t under the impression that I could somehow lose my status as a punk rocker by liking other types of music. I know quite a few music elitists and I wholly disagree with that attitude. Whatever happened to freedom of thought? My preference in music can be eclectic and tasteful at the same time. If the sound makes me feel good, if the lyrics say something meaningful, if I can identify with the song I deem it good music. Good music is good music, regardless of genre.

Punk Rock Rule 3: You are a sell out! What does this term even mean? I don’t think I have gotten the same answer from two people. But apparently “selling out” is becoming well known or being played on the radio. If punk rock appeals to any part of the mainstream crowd it is deemed “sell out music.” Wait just a minute here! How can punk rock grow and attract different types of people if nobody outside the scene is ever exposed to it? That makes no sense. When bands like Less Than Jake change record labels and sound a bit different it is a crime (according to the “real” punk rockers). Now this band can’t even sell out three nights at Roseland Ballroom because their die hard fans have deserted them after a somewhat mellower album and a change from an indie label to Warner Brothers. I bet that if they made the same minute change on Epitaph (instead of a major label) no one would be quite so upset. Here is the true definition of a punk rock sell out: change.

Punk Rock Rule 4: Punk rock trends you must abide by! Bands like The Clash and the Sex Pistols are idolized as punk rock legends. But what happens if you should not like said bands? Well it simply means you have no taste and cannot appreciate true punk rock. Huh? I didn’t realize that there were historical requirements for appreciating punk rock music. I personally love the Sex Pistols and The Clash but I wouldn’t hold it against someone who didn’t. There are also modern bands that demand a certain respect in the punk community, Rancid and NoFX being two very well respected veterans of the punk rock movement. I love NoFX with a passion, but am not fond of Rancid (primarily due to the fact that their lead man, Tim Armstrong sounds like a drunken third grader with a speech impediment). I have encountered an unfathomable amount of hostility for this opinion (which I force on nobody). I know of no other music genre with such stringent taste requirements.

Punk Rock Rule 5: Think like us or you are wrong! All of these little pet peeves are based around a guiding principle. Punk rock is a way of life for many people. To these people there is no better way to be than to be punk rock. Exemplified by elitist tastes, strange dress, body modification (i.e. tattoos and piercings), and similar ways of thinking, punk rock seems more restricting than the very principles it is suppose to be against. Punk rock culture reinforces the ideas of being different and thinking different. Then why is it that people appearing different, thinking different or with different tastes than those of ‘true punks’ are ostracized and seen as somehow lesser-than? It seems to me that punk rock has become just another set of rules to abide by and another culture to belong to. After all that talk about being an individual and thinking outside the mainstream, punk rockers really belong don’t they? They belong to punk rock, they fit in and they follow.

I don’t regret that day I first heard NoFX. Despite all of my disappointment in the scene, punk rock is and will forever remain close to my heart. I still believe that under all the hypocrisy punk rock encourages individuality. I think punk rock can reach people in a way that not many music genres can. It is a powerful weapon against the herd mentality enforced by society. Punk rules because it can throw a party and bring awareness to social issues at the same time. Punk rock still rules because it makes me feel good and after all is said and done, isn’t that what music is really about?

Highlights From The Music Snob's Stash

I have spoken to many people about my extensive c.d. collection. All 345 of them hold a special place in my heart, even Kid Rock’s “Devil Without A Cause” which I bought in 9th grade during my rap metal phase. Some of these well worn babies go into more rotation than others. For example, NOFX’s “Punk in Drublic” gets more play time than say, the burned copy of Alien Ant Farm’s “ANThology” which my exboyfriend Josh gave me back in high school. It is in this spirit that I bring you today’s article, a peek at three of the most beloved albums in my collection, the history, the meaning behind them and why they rock so very much.

“Life in General”- MxPx
History: This little gem was purchased in late fall of 1997. Christina Inella (a good friend of mine back then) and I had walked down to Slipped Disc in search of new music to rock out to in her basement. Christina has pointed out the c.d. to me, telling me that she “heard really good things about it.” So I bought it with the money I had scammed out of my mother somehow and we brought it back to her house. The second the guitars kicked in on the first track, I knew I was going to rock out to this for a long, long time. And I was right.
Meaning: The entire c.d. itself represents probably the worst year of my life, 8th grade. However, instead of a bad symbol, it reminds me of the times when I was so happy, jumping around in Christina’s basement despite the horrible things that were going on in my life. The upbeat music and lyrics kept my spirit up when all I wanted to do was disappear and never come back. Life was horrible for me, but this album made everything a little bit brighter. The song with the most meaning for me would have to be “Do your feet hurt?.” It is about having really strong feelings for someone, and trying to let them know. I used to dream that I would meet someone who would sing this to me, and then I met someone who actually did. It is the only song on the c.d. which still makes me feel the way I did when I was a little wanna-be punk rocker at age 14.
“How will I get through tomorrow if I can’t make it through today? How will I get through tomorrow when today is in my way?”

“Whatever and Ever, Amen”-Ben Folds Five
History: My brother gave this to me when I was a freshman in high school. At first, I thought it was going to be lame because I had heard “Brick” on the radio and I wasn’t really into it. I really didn’t give it much of a chance until March break of my freshman year when I needed something to calm me down on the plane ride to Florida (I really hate flying!) The I popped it in, and the whole rock mixed with piano thing really got to me. It became a permanent fixture in my c.d. rotation.
Meaning: The real meaning behind this c.d. does not revolve around the c.d. itself. When I was 15 I met Pete Morgan, a gorgeous kid who was smart, and funny and wonderful. We met at a Blue Meanies Concert when I accidentally spilled soda all over him. Sparks city folks. So our first real date was when he and I went to go see Ben Folds Five at Summer Stage in Central Park. It was a warm June evening. We sat on the grass behind the stage listening to the music and talking. It got chilly and he held me closer to him. As Ben sweetly sang “Evaporated” (which is by far and away the BEST song on that album) Pete turned to me and we shared our very first kiss beneath the clear night sky. It was this first kiss from what would turn out to be my very first love. Sometimes I will put it on and remember the night when I felt like I was invincible.
“I poured my heart out. It evaporated…see?”

“Head On the Door”-The Cure
History: Ok..it’s not Boy’s Don’t Cry. It’s not Disentegration. But dammit, it’s my favorite Cure album. I bought this about 2 years ago when I realized how super sweet The Cure is. I bought it at the record store right next to DoJo’s on St. Mark’s Place in Greenwich Village. I remember thinking, “I really need a Cure album or else my life will not ever be complete.” Boy was I right.
Meaning: Over the summer I took a lot of indulgence in only working twice a week. During my days off I would sit in my hammock in my backyard with a beer, my cigarettes, and the Cure rocking on my stereo. This album is the best to just chill out to. When I had a huge party over the summer it was what was playing for a bit and it really brought everyone together. When I listen to it as the leaves fall and the sky gets dark by 5, I can still feel the summer sun and the slow motion rocking of the hammock as all my cares melted away. The best song on the album? It’s a toss up between “In Between Days” and “Close to Me.” And for the record? Robert Smith rules.
“Yesterday I got so scared I shivered like a child. Yesterday away from you it froze me deep inside. Come back, come back, don’t walk away.”

I’ll do more when I feel like it. Until next time, turn off your friggin radio. .

The Gut: I'm Back

I’m baaaaaack!!! After a few weeks off the gut is back with some bold predictions and some great games to take a look at for week 12 of the NFL schedule. I apologize to all of my readers, yes that means you mom, for my few weeks off but I had some things to straighten out. But like Eric Bischoff “I’m back and I’m better than ever”
Lets get things started with a quick overview of last week. First off lets address the huge sigh of relief that the 72 Dolphins let out when the Cincinnati Bengals beat the undefeated Kansas City Chiefs so they would remain the only undefeated team ever to this point. Some other scores of note were the next to hopeless Raiders beating a struggling Vikings team and the Jets pulling their best new kids on the block imitation by hangin tough against the colts and only losing by a touchdown.
Now on to this weeks games. We have a few good games on the schedule and a few games that should just be fun to watch because of sheer domination by one side. Lets get to the picks

New England @ Houston
The young upstart Texans certainly surprised a lot of people when they knocked off the Buffalo Bills last week. They held the mighty Bills offense to 10 points and managed to squeak by with 12 points of their own. This week though they play the Patriots who since the week one disaster against the Bills have played pretty well. Tom Brady has been playing hurt for the past few weeks but finally seems like he is 100% and the 3 man wrecking crew of Mike Cloud, Antowain Smith and Kevin Faulk has really started to produce as a unit. The Pats lost 3 defensive starters to injury in the 1st 4 weeks but the defense has jelled and they are now 8-2 and poised for another big playoff push after beating the cowboys in the battle of the “Bills”

“Gut Feeling”
The Pats are too well coached to suffer the same letdown that the Bills had last weekend. David Carr has become more than the Texans could have asked for in year two and so has the franchise. The Texans are not the pushovers that second year expansion teams are supposed to be, and yes I know neither were the Jaguars or Panthers in their second year.
This very well could be game of the week material here but the Pats will come out rolling and win 27-23.

San Francisco @ Green Bay

The 49ers have out played everyone’s expectations over these last few weeks with backup quarterback Tim Rattay taking over for the injured pro bowler Jeff Garcia. Rattay has energized the Niners and has thrown 6 touchdown passes vs. 1 interception since taking over the huddle. This team looks so different with him in there that superstar wide receiver Terrell Owens has not only quit his whining but was seen last week throwing a lead block on a Kevin Barlow 74 yard touchdown run. Brett Favre and the Packers certainly have their work cut out for them this week but this team isn’t just Favre’s arm anymore. They have work horse Ahman Green in the back field and his NFC leading 1172 rushing yards and 10 rushing touchdowns have kept the packers in quite a few games this year.

“Gut Feeling”
Rattay just has this thing about him that makes him not only fun to watch but successful on the field. He reminds me of Jacksonville’s Mark Brunell in the way he came out of no where fast. I’m a huge Jeff Garcia fan but I think his time in San Francisco is past and this is going to be Rattay’s team until he gives them a reason not to. The only way the Niners lose this game is if Ahman Green not only controls the clock with his feet but he also helps Favre out with one of his big pass receptions out of the backfield. All of Greens 4 touchdown receptions this year have been for longer than 20 yards so he has the big play ability that the Packers are going to need to pull this game out. I just don’t see it happening, Niners win a squeaker 34-31.

N.Y. Giants @ Tampa Bay

Well as I’m sure anyone who has read my article before knows I am a diehard Giant fan, and a big time Shockey fan. So what did the G-men look like last week without their all-star tight end? Well they looked just as bad without him as they did with him. They lost to the resurgent Eagles 28-10. The Buccaneers looked a little better than the Giants did but the defending Super Bowl champs lost another one, this time to the Green Bay Packers 20-13. Both teams lost big playmakers over the last few weeks with the Giants losing Shockey and the Bucs placing wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson on the shelf for the rest of the year. There has been much talk about how big of a mistake this was but the Bucs spent two first round draft picks and 4 million dollars to get Coach Jon Gruden from the Raiders and they couldn’t let Johnson disrespect the team or its coach anymore.

“Gut Feeling”

These are two of the most disappointing teams not only this year but in recent memory. Both teams were picked before the season to go deep into the playoffs and now neither team will make it there. Tiki Barber’s fumbling problem hasn’t gotten much better this year and the Giant defense has looked like a Tecmo Super Bowl team going up against Bo Jackson. It has just been awful not only as a Giant fan but a football fan in general. The only thing worse would be being a Bucs fan. This team was picked hands down to repeat and now all they are doing is insuring that one of those draft picks they gave up will be a high one to help the bad Raiders get better. This Monday night game will go down as one of the stinkers of the year, my Gut feeling is that both teams will score 3 field goals in regulation and it will go into overtime tied 9-9. Then it will turn into a Sega Genesis game. The team that wins the opening kickoff takes the return in for a touchdown. There will be no winner to this game only the fans will win when it ends. Personally I hope the Giants lose so we have a better shot at Eli Manning. Bucs win 15-9

Well that’s all the games I will highlight for this week. Due to some BP.com scheduling conflicts my article will be now moved to Tuesdays. Thanks for reading and good luck to all of your favorite teams unless you are a Jets fan that is.

Tales From the Bishop: Sin 1.

WORD.

Yup, Bryan Bishop here, and he’s ready to offend people. Let’s see, goin’ down the sin list…. first one… oh.

1. Treating Women with (undue) Respect.

Heh heh. Angry? Good. Some of you are nodding your heads, and some of you are seething…. saying things like…

“OMIGOD! HOW CAN HE SAY SUCH ATROCIOUS THINGS ABOUT THOSE PRECIOUS ANGELS!”

Seriously, go to hell, allright? There’s nothing angelic about anybody. Just because they got long hair and hoots doesn’t mean you have to play right into the roadblock. First off, let’s dissect that phrase.

“Precious”

-meaning rare and worth something. I got outside, and I see a lot of women. They ain’t rare. And as for ‘worth something’… chances are, they’re gonna cost you more than you’ll get out of the relationship. People who are ‘worth something’ don’t make a scrawny geek like Justin Timberlake a cultural icon. People who are ‘worth something’ don’t talk to me for twenty minutes about how “scary” The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was. It wasn’t scary. It was stupid. Much like someone who would find it scary.

“Angel”

So what’s your interest in them, then? Quoting scripture?

Why this isn’t sexist.

I know what you’re saying right now. “This Bishop guy’s a male chauvanist pig! Fat, too!”

Allright, listen. Doing the opposite of what I’m saying would be sexist, because you’d be cheapening…well, you. When you put women on a pedestal, you degrade males, and vice versa. So in my mind, nobody goes on a pedestal. In fact, what the fuck are all these pedestals doing sitting around? Get them out of here. We’re all equal, nobody’s a precious angel. Ugh… what kind of dickhead says that, anyway?

Guys, women are just the same as you, and Gals… have pity on the dorks who can’t fathom the fact that you don’t sprout wings and ascend to heaven after work.

All I’m saying is to treat each other equally. If somebody’s doin’ somebody a favor by being in the relationship… then don’t bother with it.

THE FIRST WEEKLY NUMBNUTS AWARD

My first weekly award goes to Micheal Jackson, the guy who underwent the most frightening change since Lon Chaney Jr. in “The Wolfman” From cute kid in the Jackson Five to pop superstar (and a damn good one) to a pale soft rock psuedo star to the souless vampire pedophile he is now. And you know what? As undeserving as Justin Timberlake is to be compared to Jackson, I like it. Say he’s the next Micheal Jackson more often. Maybe he’ll follow the same path, and I can laugh with glee at his stupid expression in his mug shot.

Jeez, what a worthless asshole. At least “The Jackson Five” made some good songs, with instruments. Timberlakes “Launch Pad” seems to have been already forgotten, and likely so. I just hope Alicia Keyes, Nelly Futardo, Nelly, DMX, Ja Rule, Fifty Cent, Project Patt, and Christina Aquilera all follow suit and dissappear in the same manner, along with their vacuous lyrics, canned beats, and excruciatingly corporate style. And tell them to take their choreographed dance videos, hair gel, “Bentleys” (fucking ugly car), attitudes, drum machines, fake hood stories, thongs, hair streaks, watches, and gold teeth with them. Leave room for real artists, who can provoke emotions besides boredom, irritation, and disgust. And learn to make an interesting video, or get the fuck off of my TV! How is it that in the 80’s, every video had an idea, told a story, and was generally bad ass? “Take on Me’ had a cool video. The guys in”Come on Eileen” weren’t trying to look cool… they were staying true to the spirit of their song. And if the spirit of your song is flashing your ill-gotten jewelry in my face, keep it to your fucking self. Hype Williams should be drug out in the street and shot.

…allright, I’ve angered the MTV set and women. So looks like I just have to offend old men, and I’ll have it made. Until next time… keep on truckin’.

Wasted Words 7

Recommended download: Bad ReligionNo Control

Ladies and gentlemen! Children of all ages! Please rise, and allow me to introduce….myself. Yep, it’s me again. Back at you again with the real shit. You know, that feel good shit. That real good shit, and some things that make you go hmmmm. Okay, so that was a lousy attempt at a humorous, hip, and cool introduction. Read on and get over it. As I type this, I’m watching a show on MTV, which is featuring Thursday and Thrice in concert. It’s awesome, and you jokers who don’t watch MTV don’t know what you’re missing. Or maybe you do, considering it was followed by Nickelback live. Not that there’s anything wrong with Nickelback, cuz they’re not a bad band, they’re just no Thursday or Thrice. I picked up the new self-titled, Blink 182 album. I can’t really pick out a favorite track quite yet, though I Miss You and Stockholm Syndrome are both standout tracks. It’s totally different from any other Blink album. Is that a good thing? Yes, and no. I love the new album, but I still long for the old Blink. You know, the poop and wiener jokes. The songs about fucking dogs in the ass and adult diapers, and pop-punk anthems like Damnit. Yeah, those guys. It’s good to see them evolve though, and maybe more people will take them seriously as musicians. They deserve it for sure. I finally had the opportunity to watch 28 Days Later the other day. It definitely lived up to the things I had heard about it, which were nothing but praises. It was a good scary movie, something which isn’t very common these days. It made me jump a few times, that’s for sure. I’m still working on the Anti-Flag, Terror State review. I promise I’ll finish it eventually.

I’ve got some more news on the Goonies sequel which is in development. Apparently it will feature the original cast which includes Corey Feldman, Josh Brolin, and Sean Astin. There will also be some newcomers to the movie, who will be called the Groonies. Why the Groonies? The Chinese kid, Data, owns an electronics repair shop and speaks with a Chinese accent. Hence, The Groonies. Haha, I get it. Oh yeah, and it’s gonna have Chunk. Only time will tell if this movie is as good as the original, but with Chunk back in the mix, it has to be a winner. Doesn’t it? Truffle shuffle!

Blindside have a new album on the way. Titled, About A Burning Fire, the album is due out February 24. If the title track is only a hint of how good this album is gonna be, it’s sure to be a great album and bring orgasmic feelings to your ears. Their previous album, Silence, was a damn good album. I have no doubt this one will be as well. You can check out the mp3 here.

Chicago band, Numb, is organizing a charity concert for Child Abuse Prevention. Currently, they’re aiming for February 15. If you’re in a band and would like to perform, or maybe you’d just like to volunteer your own personal time, email tony@numbmusic.com. This is definitely for a great cause, and any help you can offer would be awesome. Numb

Just when it seemed this jackass couldn’t stoop any lower, Ja Rule proves us all wrong. Ja teamed up with American Idol winner, Rubben Studdard, to record a track. The song, titled What Is Sexy, will appear on Ruben’s debut album. I’m thinking Ja Rule should take notes from Jay Z. Get this guy a pension, cuz it’s time to retire.

Puddle of Mudd’s new album, Life On Display, is due out November 25. That’s next Tuesday, in case you didn’t know. You can stream the entire album now by clicking here. What I’ve listened to sounds pretty good. It’s worth a listen if you liked their first album, Come Clean.

Dropkick Murphy’s have announced that tickets for their annual Boston St. Patricks Day shows are now available. For more information, head over to Dropkick Murphys.com. Be sure to pack up your Irish Flags and take them with you. It makes for an awesome site to see all of those Irish and DKM flags flying over the crowd during the show.

That’s all for this week. Thanks for reading. Until next time, I’m out.

Buried Treasure – Review: Cel Damage

Fast Facts
Title: Cel Damage
Platform: GameCube
Publisher: Electronic Arts
Developer: Pseudo Interactive
Release Date: 01/07/2002

Right off the top, let me mention that for the most part Cel Damage is either completely overlooked or crapped upon by reviewers. Well they’re clearly all anti-fun. Cel Damage should be played by every GameCube owner out there, because it’s a fresh spin on vehicle combat games that’s been vastly ignored.

The opening video sets up the premise of the game, a television show in the cartoon world where the cast of contestants cruise around in their personal rides blowing the living crap out of each other for cash and prizes. That’s about as deep as the plot gets, but this game isn’t about plot, it’s about mayhem and destruction, and lots of it.

The gameplay, which has been berated in most of the reviews of this game that I’ve read, is really solid. My guess is that the “experts” got frustrated when they couldn’t master the game in the first ten minutes and quit, but I digress. The controls are simple and fit the style of play well, which basically revolves around killing as much as you can before you are in turn offed, then respawning and doing it all over again. The computer AI is pretty punishing, especially on beginning players, but once you’ve made it past the rather steep learning curve the computer combatants cease to be frustrating and settle into the territory of challenging.

The characters and weaponry are a big part of the freshness of Cel Damage. There’s Fowl Mouth, a smack-talking gangster duck from the 1930s who is in black and white because colour wasn’t invented back then, Sinder, a demon with bladder-control issues, Violet, an anime-style evil girl who likes to blow things up, and several others. The weapons are straight out of a Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoon, featuring black holes that your opponents can fall into, axes to chop them in two, boxing gloves that pop out of your hood to beat your foes Lennox Lewis style, and even a heli-pack that lets you fly and fire twin machine guns. The entire game is cel-shaded, hence the title, but unlike most games the cel shading actually enhances the experience instead of just being a fancy trick designed to distract gamers. The game actually looks like a cartoon, and all of the locales(the Wild West, a jungle, Transylvania, and outer space) are beautifully done.

Each world features three different levels with their own unique challenges(aside from the constant challenge of homicidal toons trying to blow you to smithereens). For example, in the first level of the Wild West, a train periodically runs through the stage, smashing anybody who gets in its way. In the final Western level, a giant magnet can be activated that will pick up nearby drivers into a car-compacter, then ejecting them in their new form, a tiny cube. Piranhas and ravenous plants plague combatants in the jungle. A crossbow firing flaming bolts and monsters lurking in caves are featured in Transylvania, and in space screwy gravity adds a twist.

There’s no story mode, as such, but instead three distinct challenges for each stage. The three challenges are different gameplay modes. Smack Attack is a deathmatch style affair in which combatants wreak as much havoc as possible in their quest to reach 500 Smacks first. Killing opponents garners various amounts of Smack points depending on how you killed them, so wholesale carnage is the name of the game here. In Gate Relay your goal is to pass through the pair of gates alternately until you’ve gone through a total of twenty gates. How you do this is really up to you. I personally prefer to drive through one, then turn around and go against the flow of traffic to get back to the other one. The final mode is the intense Flag Rally which has contestants trying to gather four flags and make it to the designated goal. The catch is that the flags have legs and flee when you approach, and when the computer characters realize that you’ve finally managed to get four flags they’ll come after you with all the fury of a rabid lemur. Completing all three modes in every level of a world unlocks a new addition to the playable toon roster, such as Whack Angus, a homicidal bull, or T-Wrecks, a dinosaur-gone-Hollywood.

At the end of the day, Cel Damage is all about fun. Rampaging, explosive, destructive fun. Give this game a shot and I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s Buried Treasure.

A Review of One Fucked Up and Wonderful Movie

South Park is, hands down, one of my favorite shows on television (second only to Conan O’brien.) It’s funny, clever, and down right enchanting! Trey Parker and Matt Stone are two of the smartest, funniest guys in the entertainment industry today. They take current events and use them in their shows to help convey their opinions on the world (see Red Hot Catholic Love or Ladder To Heaven.) However there was genius long before South Park ever came to be. This is a genius known as “Cannibal: The Musical.”
This piece of cinematic orgasm is based on the true story of Alfred Packer, a miner who led a group of 6 men across the Colorado Territory in hopes of reaching a place with more prospects for wealth. The miners fell on hard times and resorted to cannibalism in hopes of survival.
Cannibal!: The Musical takes this story and adds to it until its filled to the brim with side splitting laughter and hilarious musical numbers. Packer (played masterfully by Trey Parker who was billed under the name Juan Shwartz) is a young, doe eyed dreamer who has a song in his heart and a horse named Liane. The opening number is an upbeat ditty called Shpedoinkle Day. *Side note* At the end of every South Park episode the little song is the opening few notes of the song.
Parker is coerced into leading a rag tag group of miners on an expedition to Colorado Territory. As the trek goes on it becomes very clear that not only does Packer not know the way, but they are going to have some serious turmoil within the group. The icing on the cake of trouble (ooh! Metaphor) is when the ill fated miners meet up with a group of rough and tumble trappers, lead by the short but tough Frenchy Cabazon ( played by Robert Muratore.) After Liane disappears one morning along with all the supplies in her pack, the trouble grows even stronger. Lead by his desire to have back his beloved horse, Packer leads the miners deeper into the snowy Colorado Territory. Is Packer leading the miners to the promised land? Is he just following the trail that leads him back to his horse? Are they going to survive the snowy mountains? And what exactly does shpedoinkle mean? Find out!
The most amazing thing about this movie, asides from the wonderful and catchy musical movies, is the fact that this was done on spring break by Parker and his friends. Produced by Troma Pictures, you really can’t go wrong with this cinematic darling. I highly recommend you also watch it with the commentary. It is Trey and Matt and their friends getting drunk throughout the entire movie, and knocking things over. Run, don’t walk. Get this movie!